...to wish my elderly mum was like a mum to me......

[ssd]

I just feel so sad about this, normally I just get on with it but its getting me more and more down

there's nothing anyone can do, its just the way life goes sometimes

my mum is in her mid eighties and housebound, she has many things medically going on but more or less ok day to day

she can't walk and only sees the carers that go into her although she has some clubs she goes to as well (in a care set up)

she's just old and totally slowed down, its not her fault, its just she had me late and now I have youngish kids and an old mum

I have siblings, they live 100's of miles away and have down for 20 years and aren't involved with mum a quarter of what I am, has been the same for years

basically I just want my mum to be a mum

I want her to visit me, phone me when I'm not well, rememebr whats happening with my kids, make me a cuppa when I'm tired, babysit (wow that would be amazing), say to me "you look awful go and put on some lippy and meet ur pals, I'll have the kids for the night", have a conversation, take an interest, have any energy at all, just be a mum, nothing special, not having my kids all the time so I can party or drink, just be a mum to me instead of me being a mum to her

my siblings had my mum being a gran to their kids and a mum to them, my neices and nephews are grown up now, my siblings are so far removed from me and how I feel its like another world, and when I try to talk to them they either laugh or say "mums fine, you worry too much", they are as much help/use as a chocolate watch. anyway they have their own lives.

just sad about it all

It's sadly a demographic trend, people our age are called The Sandwich Generation, having young children AND elderly parents to care for. I still have my Dad who's pretty lively at the age of 84, but my Mum passed away 8 years ago.

My Dad was able to babysit my DS while I was at work up till last year when DS was 11. Dad went out briefly to the shop and left the gas on under a pan and the fire alarm went off. DS was terrified and rang me at work, which is a horrible situation I wouldn't wish on anyone. Since they DS has not wanted to go to his grandfathers.

Not quite sure why I went off at this tangent but, well, our parents get older, sh*t happens. As I said, The Sandwich Generation. I do feel for you OP.

karma, trust me they think they are doing enough and always have, the inequality just wouldn't occur to them at all

they don't really feel like siblings to me now, more distant cousins I see maybe once/twice a year but I don't feel close to them at all, I deeply resent them but I know thats not healthy and I'm trying not to feel like that

it is sad, it just is

I know I might be on here soon saying my mum has passed away and that'll be a different grief and a whole lot of guilt for saying how I miss her now

Then not they!

YANBU I feel much the same now my mother is well into her eighties and we can't do the things together that we used to. She doesn't want to go out to lunch because she can't eat much, isn't up to shopping, doesn't like being away from home, worries about everything. It is a sort of bereavement while she is still alive. Just sometimes I can gee her up to do something nice and she will enjoy it, then it is gone again.

There's a relatively short tiime between parents taking care of the child, and children taking care of the parents.
You can't blame your mum for having you late or your siblings, it's hard but it's just the way life is.

Betty I am truly sorry that you lost your mother, and at no point wanted to imply that you wouldn't rather that you hadn't lost her. I am sure at some point we all wish we had more time.

All I really meant was that sometimes I believe it is fine not to be grateful, and to acknowledge that life is unfair. Perhaps I didn't say it eloquently and I completely get the point about grieving for the person you once knew, even if an illness has caused that person to go and seemingly another one to come into the same place.

In all honesty I think we should grieve for the loss of dreams, and the ideal relationships we thought we would have, and not to be grateful that we have something else in their palce. In my view that is part of grief and I think we should acknowledge it as such.

I am sorry if I caused you any offence.

Oh man I feel your pain. My mum died before her grandchildren were born. My dad lived on longer but he was older than she was and disabled by a stroke so we cared for him.

As you say there are times when you just get on with it but there are times when you look at your friends whose parents come and babysit or take them all out for lunch or go on holiday with them and you can feel so ..... denied!

Not to mention the existential angst that goes with losing a parent or watching a parent age. Your own mortality dawns on you and you start pondering the meaning of life and all that gloomy shit.

I wish I had some magic words or inspirational wisdom to share that would lift the feelings you have but I don't right now. If I ever do, I will come and find you.

thanks filthy!

I was thinking about this yesterday and it sort of helps to write it down, to unscramble it in my head if that makes sense

I feel I've been grieving for my mum for years and it just goes on and on, because she's still here

with normal grief its terrible at first then as time goes on it still really hurts but a tiny bit less every day, until you get to the point where you can say the persons name without immediately bursting into tears

but with my mum the grief goes on and on because she's still here and the problems are still here

the only thing that'll start the grieving process properly is the unthinkable - her not being here anymore, which I half expect every time the phone rings at an odd hour and I feel I'm just steeling myself for, I expect it and I totally dread it all at once

its a really weird combination of caring for her/resenting that its all been down to me/wanting her to care for me/grieving a mum thats still alive/dreading when she goes

my heart goes out to everyone on this thread, whether you have lost your mum or have lost her in other ways