AIBU to change my mind about this dog?

[pamplemousse]

Brief overview: Husband left in Feb, he moved in with his new girlfriend in March, she got a Rottweiler rescue young dog, dd who is 4 visits every other weekend and one night for tea in the week and a sleepover if she wants to.
So... I banned her from the house for 2 weeks when they got this dog as I wanted it to settle and them to see what its like. I feel powerless about it, I have to trust my exs' girlfriend's judgement about a dangerous breed RESCUE rotty. Theoretically ex only lives there 3 nights a week but I know he does every night. So he uses his Dad's address instead. AIBU to insist he takes dd to his dad's instead of his girlfriends house?
She is face height to this creature, which may well be lovely, but why a rescue and it 'loves' playing with her apparently. This fills me with horror tbh.
Please give your opinion....
I have allowed her to go as thought they wouldn't be so stupid as to risk dd's face/life, but having spoken to a (very pro dog!) friend recently I am thinking I've been an idiot.....

You lost my sympathy the moment you said, "a dangerous breed RESCUE rotty.".

1. A Rott is no more of a danger than any other breed.

1. A decent rescue would not home an unreliable dog where there are children - and a rescue dog does NOT equal a problem dog.

I and my younger child have just spent best part of the past week staying at a rescue. Not a shiny, 'elf n safety' mad large organisation but an independent one with almost 70 dogs where we have interacted, as we always do, with virtually every one of them. Two of these were Rotts, incidentally, and a third a Rott X Mastiff... and all of those three would be very near the top of my list if I had room for another dog to add to my RESCUED German Shepherds and RESCUED Labrador.

Now, put aside your prejudices please - it's bullshit like that which costs dogs their lives - and contact the rescue so you can get the full run-down on the dog AND their rehoming procedure. If you have any queries once you've done so I'm sure either Mothership or I will be able to help you.

You are more likely to be seriously hurt by a Rottie if it attacks you than a yorkie for eg.

Are 100% it actually came from a proper rescue? not just someone couldnt look after it anymore so she took it in?

A proper rescue willknow if the dog is suitable to be housed with young children.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't let my kids spend time with any dog I didn't know.

Very pro dog people will always say you've been an idiot for not giving the dog the benefit of the doubt and that's their perogaive. Not much good after your child's been mauled though is it.

YANBU to be concerned, particularly if your DD isn't used to dogs. I think the best approach would be to talk to Ex & GF, make sure that they wouldn't leave DD unattended with the dog. Possibly even meet the dog, see for yourself how it interacts with people?

I think it's worth making the point to your ex that you aren't just trying to create issues within his new relationship (I don't know what your relationship is like, but if it's still a bit raw he might jump to unreasonable conclusions)

Very pro dog people will always say you've been an idiot for not giving the dog the benefit of the doubt

Oh no they won't!

If you're unfamiliar with the dog, and don't 100% trust the owners, giving it 'the benefit of the doubt' could be quite unfair on the poor creature. For the dog's benefit as well as DCs', you need to be sure that the situation will be managed properly - not to expect a potentially nervous, fearful dumb animal to behave like a responsible, self-aware human being.

"A Rott is no more of a danger than any other breed."

Sorry, that's bollocks. An adult Rottweiler weighs between 50-60kg. That's as much as I do. An adult Shih Tzu weighs about 5 or 6 kg. An aggressive Rottweiler poses far more of a danger than an aggressive Shih Tzu for perfectly obvious reasons.

I mention Shih Tzu on purpose - I work with dogs, pitbulls and Rottweilers included and the only dog I've ever been bitten by was...a Shih Tzu! But I'd rather be bitten by a Shih Tzu than a Rottweiler.

A Rottweiler is less LIKELY to show aggression than many other dogs, but in the unlikely event that it does, it will obviously do more damage than a small lap dog and it will be much more difficult to stop.

OP, do what you think is best for your peace of mind and your DD. In your shoes, I wouldn't allow my DD around a large dog like that, mainly because I don't know the owner and a lot of people are complete idiots.

Golden Retriever, Labrador, Collie, Rotweiler... Any of these breeds is equally capable of doing serious damage to a child, but I suspect most people wouldn't be anywhere near as worried about the first two.

I think the best thing to do in this situation is to discuss it sensibly with your ex and his girlfriend. Find out if the rescue is a decent and reputable one, if they say and have evidence that the dog is good with children. Ask what precautions they are taking to make sure the dog and your DD are safe together, make sure they will not leave your DD and the dog alone together at any time. Find out how well trained/exercised the dog is, as this will give an idea of what sort of dog owners they are in general.

You can also help by making sure your DD knows how to behave around dogs, that they are to be respected and not woken when asleep, 'cuddled', she mustn't 'get in their faces' etc. Not to go near the dog when it's eating, not to try and take things from it etc.

Rhinestone, I meant my comment just as you articulated far more coherently, sorry for giving the wrong impression. What I was saying is that a Rott is no more likely to be a danger just because of his breed than any other. ANY dog can be a danger, breed doesn't come into it, though if a dog is out of control then of course size does.

Just thinking... in many other situations where a lone mum says that she doesn't want her child doing something whilst with dad and which she considers a worry folk on here have often berated mum, saying that the child is in the care of her father and that if the mum trusts the father to have the child then she should trust his ability to exercise care and common sense on the issue in hand and if not the child shouldn't be unsupervised with dad in the first place.

The same could be argued here as the OP has said nothing to indicate that dad's judgement, care or common sense with their DD is questionable.

But then again, the OP hasn't returned since her first post to say anything else, either one way or another!

DogsBF I think re your comment about lone mum and dads judgement, The dads judgement is one thing......dads judgement doesnt control a dogs actions in any way, that is the difference here I think.

I trust a select number of people with my DCs...I dont trust any dog around them [as in dont know what may happen]

DBF, no worries. I agree that in a perfect world, you can't judge an individual dog by its breed. I do however, think some idiotic people are attracted to certain breeds for what the likes of you and I would say are all the wrong reasons.

I call them 'status' dogs for want of a better description and therefore I do think that the fact that some people have a Rottweiler, Doberman, Malamute, Chow-chow etc could (I stress the 'could') be an indicator that they're a twat who wants the kudos of being seen to 'dominate' the fashionable status dog of the day and doing untold damage to the poor dog in the process. Sadly that dog then might show aggression but it's not because of its breed, it's because of the fucking idiot who chose to get that particular breed for all the wrong reasons and fucked it up.

But it's a complicated issue and it's just my theory. But I certainly think all dogs are individuals and as I said, I've handled plenty of pit bulls and I get bitten by a Shih Tzu!

Re the husband, I'm reading between the lines a bit here but seeing as the OP said her husband left in Feb and moved in with his girlfriend in March, I'm guessing he's a bit of a twunt!

Rhinestone, I'm with you every step of the way re idiot owners! I guess you and I are both involved with dogs in a similar way. :)

Amberleaf, you said, "The dads judgement is one thing......dads judgement doesnt control a dogs actions in any way, that is the difference here I think.

I trust a select number of people with my DCs...I dont trust any dog around them [as in dont know what may happen]"

Now you and I differ there... as a dog owner myself (and, as I said, a mum whose DD is also a rescue helper) I DO trust certain people and dogs without me being there, not just family but dogs owned by friends we visit and have over the years, where sometimes DD has had sleepovers and, for example, the rescue dogs I spoke of as I have complete confidence in the rescue owners, now friends of ours, and not just their care for my DC or their knowledge of their dogs but also their ability to "read" those dogs. We'd have had a bloody lonely and boring life without them! :)

And of course I trust my OWN dogs and my OWN judgement and care/common sense wrt my DC and my dogs. My judgement and that of a responsible owner DOES control our dogs' actions, as much as a person ever can (so it's a risk assessment, IYSWIM, in the same way that a car can be dangerous and I wouldn't allow DDs to go into a car with a bloody idiot but will do so with sensible drivers).

Just being nosy here, but does that mean that you don't allow your DC to visit or have sleepovers with family or friends who have dogs?

DBF Yes I think we are. I know we've disagreed in the past as I think I'm more dubious / wary / pessimistic about certain breeds than you but it is purely for the reasons I outlined above. Sadly some breeds attract total cunts and in acting out their sad, pathetic 'pack leader' fantasy those cunts do untold damage to the dog's psyche and aggression is the end result.

It's never the dog's fault of course and it's an outrageous injustice that the dog often pays the price for the personality defect of a human.

I think all children should be taught the history of dogs as part of the curriculum - how dogs were the first animal humans domesticated and they are categorically NOT naturally aggressive. We wouldn't have allowed them into our cave and to sleep right next to us if they were! So anyone trying to train a dog to be aggressive is fundamentally corrupting the essence of dog!

And don't even get me started on that 'pack theory' bollocks or that Cesar Milan twunt.

What I mean is I can trust adult humans judgement [a select few!] but I dont believe you can ever be 100% about an animal.

Re your question;

I dont have any immediate family that have dogs [my family are more cat people] but I do have friends who have dogs, both incidently are rescue dogs!

One is a retired greyhound who is the sweetest person dog ive ever known! very placid.
I wouldnt for a second think she would 'turn' but as she is an animal I wouldnt totally trust her, but honestly I cant express enough how lovely she is. I wouldnt have any qualms about my DCs staying over with her there.

The other is what could be considered a 'dangerous' dog, he is high spirited but also good natured, my DCs love him but I am more wary of him probably because he is stronger than the greyhound Ive mentioned, But I trust my friends doggy [as opposed to parenting!] skills and know she would know if her dog was getting over excited or stressed and would remove him or the kids as and when appropriate.

I think basically it depends on how well I know the person and the dog.

I would prob be more cautious about the DCs playing at a school friend [that I dont know] that owned a dogs house

Is this an issue about the dog or an issue with new GF judgement?

I don't really like that the emphasis is that it was a RESCUE dog? Are all rescue dogs savage? Wtf?

:) Thanks Amberleaf. Sounds perfectly sensible to me, much like the trusting DC to be driven in what CAN be a lethal weapon called a car scenario.

Rhinestone, there are too many of those twats you mention around. :(

Just as twattish as the idiots who have a dog without thinking of the long term commitment/hair on carpets etc or who give up their dog when they have a baby.

I stopped my ds from going to my ex-mil's because she had two dogs (i wont mention the breed) not because of the dogs, they seemed sweet natured (with people anyhow) but because she had no control over them.

The breed of dog isnt important, as many have said, its the owner.

DogsBF yes! The car analogy is a good one!

OK first thank you to people, particularly rhinestone, for your comments.
Just to say I say RESCUE because I know several people who have had rescue dogs who have turned out to be biters, and they have only found this out from talking enventually to the previous owners not the rescue centre, who told them it was angelic, and of courrrrse it would be all right with their 6 year old niece.
I agree rescuing dogs is admirable. BUT when they are 32kg plus and there is a 4 year old involved I am allowed to be slightly hysterical about it. I asked for opinions on what to do, not general critiscism about the ethics of rehoming Rotties. I'm sure they can be lovely, but quite frankly my dd is scared of it, and I'm worried.
Yes I am pissed off to some extent with ex, I am human. But I know he is a lying bugger, and I don't know if I said 'supervise at all times without fail' that he would. GF thinks the dog is 'sweet'.
I am sorry in way I said it was a rotty, I hold nothing against the breed, I agree any dog mishandled could be dangerous, its just a nip from a Jack russel could be a lot less serious that a nip from a big heavy powerful dog could be a lot worse.
Kayano - would you trust someone who you don't know with your child?? And as I said I having issue with rottweiler ffs or rescue dogs.

No problem pample, what have you decided to do?

Oops irrate typo
And as I said I DON"T havE AN issue with rottweilers ffs or rescue dogs.

Rhinestone, try and talk to them I suppose. Its just know my ex he will say yes yes yes til he's blue in the face to get me off his back, and then carry on regardless. :(

Well I think at the very least you need to meet the GF and the dog and see how they interact. And still insist that DD is not left alone with the dog, even if GF and ex are only in the next room. This is as much for the dog's sake as your DD.

And make sure they don't do any silly 'pack leader' stuff but hopefully the rescue has assessed the GF as being a non-twattish dog person.

pamplemousse - if DD is scared of the dog, then of course she and the dog should be kept away from each other - especially if you don't feel you can completely trust ex and gf.
Sorry if posts on this thread seem inconsistent, but what you've said in your last post puts things in a very different light to what you seemed to be saying in your OP.

TY tchootnika :)
Well I spoke to ex and he seemed fairly sensible and insists dd is never left with dog.
Also was v brave - not cos I'm scared of dogs, but because I don't particularly want to see her - went to meet dog. Its a rottie cross, its didn't even bark when I drove into the drive, and was friendly but not pushy at all. It has put my mind at rest a bit. The gf is not a twat (that was painful to say) and trains her dogs well. PHEW. Thanks so so much for support, really helped me sort it with all concerned :)