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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want another baby even though I don't enjoy being pregnant, and don't enjoy maternity leave, can't afford another baby .... and millions of other reasons not to

43 replies

majormetldown · 03/08/2011 20:48

Anyone else have these seemingly irrational urges? I desperately want a third baby even though I don't enjoy being pregnant; don't enjoy maternity leave; can't afford another baby; know it would damage my career which I love; it would upset my DH a lot; ummm, well loads of other reasons why it would be a very bad idea. Strange.

OP posts:

biddysmama · 04/08/2011 09:02

i had an old lade stop me once and look at my newborn ds2, she told me she was 70 and if she could she'd have more babies

pommedechocolat · 04/08/2011 09:05

Explains weirdness of some mothers and MILS post birth!

WoTmania · 04/08/2011 09:06

YANBU - I'm the same so DH went and had a vasectomy :( I get insanely angry at him sometimes usually a few days before I ovulate (blimmin hormones) but I suppose one of us had to be sensible.

icooksocks · 04/08/2011 09:10

I'm so glad I'm not the only one, dh has been asking for number 4 for a while now and I have been staunchly refusing. But I'm starting to crumble, my head says no mostly for practical reasons but my heart is saying why not. We can afford another.

LadyWord · 04/08/2011 09:17

OP are you me? Exactly the same here. I have had the most exhausting couple of years going through a really difficult pregnancy, having my much-longed-for DC2 at 40, older DC starting school with much upheaval and upset about it, baby being ill all winter, sleep deprivation, horrendous work deadlines and thinking "this stage will pass, it will get a bit easier" - while somehow simultaneously dreaming of having another cutie little baby pie! Mini boden catalogue dropped through the door yesterday and I turned straight to the babies and started cooing.

allhailtheaubergine · 04/08/2011 09:21

My GMiL who was 80 at the time got as broody as anything when dd was born.

I am currently pregnant with number 3 and am writing myself a letter to be opened in case of thinking another one would be a good idea.

whoneedssleepanyway · 04/08/2011 09:23

I posted a while about this, I think that whatever stage you decide it is your last there is a sense of sadness that, that is it...

So the chances are you would have DC3 and then feel sad you wouldn't have DC4....

In my head I know the sensible thing for us is to stick with our 2 DDs, but in my heart I just want another little baby...

Original poster

majormetldown · 04/08/2011 09:46

Oh wow. It's so lovely just to hear from other people feeling the same. Your messages have made me laugh and almost cry a little bit. Did I say how old I was in my original message? I'm 38. I think there would be time 'biologically', although of course you never know. But my DH is absolutely dead set against it. I worry most about what it would do to our marriage through the inevitable hard bits, the tired bits, the skint bits, the me being grumpy because I hate being pregnant bit, if he didn't want it in the first place.

But on the other hand I truly believe that life is about sometimes doing the 'stupid' thing and I am also fairly sure that if I have a regret in my later life it will be not having a third child. In my thirties, I did a series of really 'stupid' things in that I left my then boyfriend (that wasn't that stupid, he was very nice but not the right relationship), sold flat, went travelling, came back, did a Masters and changed career. It was absolutely terrifying, my family thought I was mad, and I'm much poorer as a result, but it was the best thing I ever did! Having a third child might be hard, but could you ever regret it? I don't think so.

I often hope for an 'accident', but I don't think anyone who knows me would be remotely convinced by that! I was desperately hoping that our second would be twins (no history so was always unlikely!) so that the decision would be taken away from us!

Loved what Imperial said, and have also to add that I consider myself blessed with my two lovely DC's.

OP posts:

Stangirl · 04/08/2011 09:52

The day I had DD (at 41) I told DP I wanted another one. 17months later I had DS. Second time around I hated pregnancy with a vengeance and the birth nearly resulted in my death. I swore to DP that I didn't want to go through all that again and he was relieved - but 3 weeks later and I'm already changing my mind and storing DD's clothes rather than giving them away "just in case".

us4downhere · 04/08/2011 10:05

I completely understand! I have 2DC but really really want another one.

There is no real reason why we can't - we have the room, and we would 'get by' but DH is adamant! :( He was one of 7 and hated his big family - I have pointed out I will stop at 3 but he's not moving!

I think he knows that I will win though...

My DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 5 so I need to get a move on or I will have to have 2 more so they are close in age!!!

whoneedssleepanyway · 04/08/2011 10:23

OP - what if DC3 was twins, I know that is one reason DH is adamantly against this, it happened to people we know, she was nearly 40 had an accident with Pregnancy number 3 and ended up with DC3 and DC4....

Obviously more likelihood of multiple pregnancies increases with age...

Original poster

majormetldown · 04/08/2011 10:50

I know whoneedssleep, that has often crossed my mind. I think it is unlikely - there is absolutely no history in our family, but of course you're right, and it is possible. I have to admit, and this is so irrational again, but I would regard that as a significant challenge!

One of the things I tell myself about this, is that there are loads of kids out there who don't enjoy stable home lives etc and that I might be able to use the 'spare' energy and time I get from not having a third child to somehow help them. Sounds a bit do-gooder doesn't it, but I'm thinking something along the lines of mentoring disadvantaged kids (there's lots of schemes around for that), even just helping out in schools, something like that. And perhaps donating a bit more cash not spent on the third child to charities like Kids Company which I think do incredible and important work.

OP posts:

tulipgrower · 04/08/2011 11:40

OP - I could have written your post. 38 and my biological clock is screaming! 2 gorgeous, healthy DCs, but 2 just doesn't seem enough. I'd love a 3rd. Of course then everything would be tight - money, space, time, ..., but we'd manage. DH isn't convinced, but then again, he's also not said no ...
(Any tips on how I can get DS2 (7mths) to sleep through?, it might help my side of the arguement. )

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 04/08/2011 12:20

YANBU but very normal. I blame the hormones. I hated every second of both pregnancies yet am still going mushy at the thought of a third ickle bundle to cuddle!

porcamiseria · 04/08/2011 12:26

Op, me too!
38, 2 lovely DC. would a love 3rd but know that

it will fuck up my career, struggling enough now
cant afford it, really cant. how will be pay for my reduced pay? cant afford another car etc, plus 2 bed house
but for me the biggest issue is how I can give my time to 3 when I work FT?

I dont buy your argument that if you dsont do it, you might regret it. this is not travelling around asia, this is another human being!

all I can say is focus on what you DO have not what you DONT have

the urge is normal, alot of us have it. but the skll is to not let is consume you

porcamiseria · 04/08/2011 12:33

spelling! I also have to leave this thread as clearly alot of people feel like us, and thought fuck it, and did it anyway, I get a massive klump in throat when I pass out maternity hospital where both were born

I do find it sad that people spend their life regretting they did not have a third, what a waste! be happy with what you have! accept that for varous reasons you stuck at 2, and remember our poor sisters that cant even have 1.....

hannahZ · 04/08/2011 13:06

I can so relate to all this. DH and I have tentatively talked about a third DC - I think I want one (he's of similar mind), we could afford it, have the space, it wouldn't necessarily be the end of my career although it would make it even harder than at present BUT I really wonder whether I could cope. It was bad enough with DC2 as I have terrible pregnancies and am not good at looking after myself in the first year or so. DH is not good at emotional support nor does he cope well with sleep deprivation, so it's all a bit of a recipe for disaster. Well, as between us anyway - DC are happy, very well looked after (I think, anyway) and loved to bits.

I had a big age gap between the first two so only ever had one in nappies at a time and eldest was in school when I had my second maternity leave. DH has always said that if we're having a third, it would need to be a shortish gap this time as he feels too old to wait much longer. I honestly don't know whether it's mad to have another...

Original poster

majormetldown · 04/08/2011 18:48

When I say regret, I don't mean that my life would be nothing but sadness without a third DC. I really do (obviously) feel so blessed with my DD and DS. But I think it's possible to be very very grateful for what you've got AND still hanker after something else as well, isn't it. Although I do try to bat those feelings down. Just another thought though, when my second was a son lots of people said, you don't need to have another one now! I always wanted to say, Yes I do!

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