to want to keep my dog?

[whizzyrocket]

Hey there,

This is quite a saga I'm afraid. I have a three year old poodle cross called Maisie, who is a cracking little dog: friendly, obedient and very sweet. My mother bought her first (against my advice) and then decided she wasn't a dog person so I inherited her. I have put in the time and money training her and getting her immunised etc. but my grandparents (in their 70s) have looked after her from time to time and have tried all sorts of emotional blackmail to get their hands on her.

I have thus far stood firm even though my mother has wanted to give her to them just to get them off her back because poodles have hair that grows inside their ears that needs to be plucked or their ears become horribly infected and painful. They would not be prepared to do this and I don't want to see my little dog unnecessarily unwell. They would also feed her far too much- their last dog was a little tank with a leg at each corner in the end.

My husband doesn't want or even like dogs, but is ok with me having this one because she is small and well-behaved. I am pregnant and so can't just get myself another dog as I wouldn't be able to train it as I would like to in the three months I have left. I live on an RAF base a few hours from all my close friends and family so really appreciate the dog's company.

The problem is this: I recently had to go abroad for a friend's wedding and left the dog with my grandparents thinking that they'd quite like to look after her for the week I was gone. I was right. While I was away they managed to convince themselves that I had given them Maisie, completely ignoring/choosing to forget that I had told them when my husband and I would be back to pick her up. My grandmother cried when I took her away. I felt dreadful.

A couple of days later my grandfather had a stroke. He has been discharged but apparently isn't himself. My mum says it's as if he had dementia (I don't drive or I'd have been to visit) and has suggested that having Maisie might be wonderful as some sort of therapy for him, especially as he loved her so much before. If he really isn't himself any more my grandma might also find Maisie a huge comfort.

If Maisie were really some cure-all I would give her to them in a heart-beat, but I doubt she'll do that much, and now my grandad, who was the more active of them, is unwell, I wonder whether they'll be able to cope with a young, bouncy dog.

Am I being selfish to want to keep her because I don't think I could get another dog for possibly the next five years?

Would you give away an animal that might help your relatives, even though you knew it would damage the animal's health?

Do you have any solutions? My husband and I have been talking about dog-shares and lending her to them, but wouldn't I just become even more the "evil-grand-daughter" every time I took away "their" precious dog, and couldn't that shock cause further illness? I'm feeling responsible enough about having taken her just before my grand-father's stroke without anything like this happening again. I know my aunt is blaming me for it.

I feel no matter what I do I'll be held accountable for anything that goes wrong so I'd really appreciate any advice.

dont do it. My mum had a stroke at easter and tey have a dog but she doesnt get walked as much and dad finds it stressful with both my mum and a dog to care for :(
She's your dog and they wont be able to care for her, as well as you can and trust me your nan will have enough to deal with.

"Would you give away an animal that might help your relatives, even though you knew it would damage the animal's health?"

Of course not!

Consider the DOG, not the wants of the humans involved... what's best for her?

I'm a rescuer, staying for the week at my pal's rescue. I have 3 big dogs of my own. One of my dogs is actually owned by this rescue, I'm just his long term foster owner, so as you might might guess they trust me as a dog-owner. I'd LOVE to take home another of their GSDs but they wouldn't let me... and do you know what? They're right!

Much as I'd love to have him, much as I'd love him and care for him I haven't the room for a 4th dog and a 3rd German Shepherd nor can I really afford it...and they know that and I know that, so it's a no-goer. The dog MUST come first, despite what I want.

And so it must be the case here, and you seem to have the right idea. PLEASE, put your dog first, she cant speak for herself.

I agree that the dog would be better off with the OP and of course that is what should come first.

But leaving that aside for a minute, how selfish of the family to be putting thier happiness above that of the OP's. They must know she loves the dog and would be willing to take away something she loves for thier own reasons. What if the OP had a child and they 'fancied' trying thier hand at parenting again so were pressuring her to give them her LO?

I am afraid I will go against the stream here. Please give your dog to your grandparents. If they do not take good care of her, then think of an alternative. Your grandmom will probably want some relief from looking after grandad and even if it helps them feel a bit more cheerful, isn't it worth it?

I can't believe that some people are so callous about the grandparents! FFS, I bet the grandparents have made all kinds of sacrifices in their lives for their family...these things are not just about me, me me [not that the OP sounds like that, just some of the responses ].

Can you trust your mom or aunt to clean your dogs ears? And ok,the dog will probably get overweight, but it is not the end of the world...

I know if was me and my mutt whom I absolutely adore, no contest, I would hand her over to my family if I thought it would be of help, given that she is comfortable with them.

Keep the dog. Don't even think of handing her over.

My Grandparents had dogs all of their lives and still absolutely love dogs, but they don't own one any more because they know they cannot physically look after a dog any more.

My Grandad had a stroke and my Grandmother is his carer, and even though he was fairly mildly effected he still struggles to walk any distance and my Grandmother has to do nearly all of the day to day chores that need doing. There is no time to look after a dog properly.

It would not help your Grandparents to have your dog, it sounds like they are not in a position to look after her properly and if they have any kind of conscience they would end up feeling bad about it. If they are dog lovers surely they wouldn't be happy if they saw the dog suffering as they were unable to sort her ears out/exercise her properly?

Apart from anything else if you do not know how badly effected your Grandfather is it might be that your Grandma effectively has to become a full time carer to him, in that case I can see the dog eventually ending up being resented as another burden.

Maybe you could visit with the dog every now and then, so they could take her for a walk etc as a one off? I wouldn't leave her with them without you there though as they reacted so badly to that last time. Alternatively is it possible for them to have another kind of pet which is more low maintenance (Obviously only if they could care for the new pet properly)?

I know it must feel difficult but I honestly think you would be doing the wrong thing for everyone if you handed the dog over, not least poor Maisie!

I honestly don't get three things:

1. Why the dog should have the best life possible - yes, she should not be abused, but not getting long walks and being overfed is not abuse! A lot of dogs are working dogs. For example, a farmer we know has a very loyal dog who had to get her leg amputated because she had arthritis from rounding up cattle for years and getting kicked by the cattle on occasion. The dog looks perfectly happy, even though she didn't get the best life she possibly could. None of us are entitled to a wonderful life, we all contribute and adjust and make sacrifices for our families and society.

2. The notion that dogs require lots of care - mine doesn't, at any rate. She happily eats what I feed her and listens to what I say without mouthing back. There are days I take her for long walks and days where she is indoors and she is absolutely fine. And loads of our French friends have dogs who are walked very sporadically at best. So, it is not ideal, but so what? If your grandmom cannot walk the dog, surely the family can arrange for a dog walker to do so every alternate day or so?

As OP mentioned, she is pregnant and DH doesn't really like dogs. Well, when she has her baby, she will be swamped too. So in any case, the dog will need to get used to playing 'second fiddle' so as to speak, and put up with irregular walks etc.

3. That your grandparents will somehow take out their frustrations on the dog...I don't get that at all. Why would they? If they cannot take care of her, won't they just give her back to you?

I honestly don't get the fuss - give the dog to GP. If they cannot take care of her, they will give her back to you. Dog won't really suffer as she is comfortable with both families. Just try to problem-solve walks and ear hair, which can be taken care of relatively easily by engaging a dog walker and/or taking the dog for frequent grooming [make that a condition for giving your dog]

Wishing you and your grandparents all the best, OP.

You need to decide if you and your DH actually want the dog.
If you do then could you help them adopt an older dog, there are many older dogs unsuitable for homes with DC pernamently living there that need homes.
They have to consider what would happen if your GF has another stroke or your GM becomes ill.

The problem would be if the dog lives with them and they cannot care for her, you may not be able to have it back because it is not used to living with a DC.

Please don't give them the dog. I understand your feelings of guilt and wanting to make your gps happy, but I believe that you are the best person to care for Maisie at this time.

flatbread "1) Why the dog should have the best life possible - yes, she should not be abused, but not getting long walks and being overfed is not abuse!"
Actually being overfed is tantamount to abuse, and the RSPCA/ SSPCA have stepped in in the past and warned owners of grossly overweight dogs that they are at risk of having the dog taken off them for abuse. Being grossly overweight makes a HUGE difference to a dog's life, both in terms of quantity and quality. Dogs don't sit around watching TV. They require a physical lifestyle, especially at Maisie's age, and don't deserve to have that compromised needlessly

2. The notion that dogs require lots of care - they do, and the fact that many don't get the level of care they need isn't to say that it is ok! Will the elderly GPs be savvy enough to notice the beginnings of an ear infection, and be able to get the dog to the vet easily? or will the poor animal sit in pain? Will they be able to administer medicines or drops? Can they get to the groomer and be relied upon, in the midst of all their own problems, to make those regular appointments?

Sadly, many of the saddest cases I have seen of neglect have involved elderly people who just aren't up to the task of caring for an animal. I once went to visit a cat that was a "bit quiet" only to find him being eaten by maggots (that the owner hadn't noticed) and in such a bad state that there was no option but to euthanase. The elderly owner didn't realise she wasn't able to care for the animal

It's not a nice situation for you to be in, OP. Could you maybe visit with the dog at times? I know it would seem kind to gift Maisie to your GPs, but in fact it may just end up being another strain on them in the long term. Wishing you luck, whatever you decide

OP, one thing you might like to consider is this. I do homechecks for a dog rescue. If I was invited to do a homecheck for your GPs, then I would probably (regretfully) decline them as potential adopters. Your GF's recent stroke is putting a big strain on him and your GM - they will have many months ahead of them of speech therapy, possibly physio, and the frustrations and dificulties of trying to recover. It will be a hard road for them and a dog is NOT going to be cared for properly as quite rightly their priorities will be elsewhere.

As they are dog lovers, then Pets as Therapy would be able to visit regularly with a carefully tested, checked dog (complete with CRB checked owner) who they can enjoy spending time with.

More broadly, it does sound as though your family has a habit of interfering and not taking no for an answer. Just keep telling them politely and firmly that Maisie is your dog and you have no intention of giving her to anyone. I believe it's called the "Broken Record" technique. Once you've said this, don't discuss it any further and move the conversation along briskly. Fortunately, when the baby arrives there will be plenty of other things to talk about!

I honestly don't get the fuss - give the dog to GP

Yes op.....give your dog to your GP...and don't forgot to hand over your first born too...

Does it matter less that this is a dog we are talking about? All you saying to give her over to the GPs...why should she part with an animal she clearly loves just to appease family?

Well, when she has her baby, she will be swamped too

I managed my newborn & my dog. It wasn't really that hard. The dog mainly did his thing & I walked him when I was able, or dh did it when he got home.

I don't understand those who are saying to give your dog away, OP. I couldn't part with my dog. Ill family member or not. It's not about being self self self, my dog gives me great comfort, he is company & he is security when dh is working late/away. It is wrong to ask anyone to give that up if they don't want to.

I will just say that I am at the responses. They are all about what is 'best' for the dog - what about what is best for the GP's emotional needs at this very difficult time?

My GF had a stroke. He was an active man who used to walk 5 miles a day. But in a few months everything settled back into a new routine - GF shuffled along and was determined to be as independent as possible. And they had loads of family visiting/staying, friends, care workers etc. So it is not like GM didn't have support with the actual care. The hardest part was their new emotional fragility.

If this particular dog will cheer them up and release some of their mental/emotional anguish, why wouldn't you help? I mean these are not random strangers, they are GP, presumably a core part of your family.

I think Masie is lucky to have so many people who love her. If you arrange for a few things (dog walker, grooming), she will be fine. All creatures adapt and it is not the end of the world that she gets fewer walks and more food. And to the poster who said that an overweight dog is an abused dog . yes grossly obese perhaps, but there are lots of overweight dogs and kids and lets not go OTT here.

Sorry again OP, this should be a time of joy for you with the new baby along the way. Hope everything works out and wish you all the best.

Maisie is yours, and barring the unforeseen, you and she should be able to have another 10 or 12 years together of happy times - managing a small dog that you already know and a newborn baby should be no problem. Your grandparents' future is much more uncertain, unfortunately. My husband and I have 4 parents in their 80s between us, all with various health problems, and my FIL's health saga has gone from one serious illness to another over the last few years. They have an elderly dog, which they've been able to cope with because when MIL has been spending all day in hospital, the dog has been content to be let out at lunchtime by a neighbour, but that's not suitable for a young dog, really. At this stage your grandparents don't know what the future holds. If their health problems go on for years and years, as they may, or if your grandfather's health deteriorates suddenly, which might also happen, then there may be times when they just can't manage Maisie. I would think that visiting with her regularly would be a good idea, and as others said, you might be able to find a local PAT dog volunteer who could visit them with her dog. If things improve for them, they could look at getting another dog in the future; the Cinnamon Trust is a charity which finds homes for dogs whose owners have died or can no longer care for them, and they might be able to foster a Cinnamon Trust elderly dog which was used to a family like theirs, perhaps. You are not BU!

flatbread "overfeeding a dog is not abuse". Of course it bloody well is! Stuffing a healthy animal full of food that it doesn't need because of some weird compulsion of your own is abuse how can it not be? Honestly I have heard some nutty things in my time but just takes the dog biscuit.

Op do NOT give your dog away, I actually think it is shocking the pressure that has been put on you over this. She is YOUR dog, you KNOW she won't be properly cared for if you give her to them, it's a no-brainer.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Your Maisie isn't a possession to be passed around or given away to whoever wants or 'needs' her most, her happiness and wellbeing are important and as her owner you have the responsibility to do the right thing for her.

And she's your girl, part of your family and household, and you love her. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to say she isn't going anywhere. Surely you can take her to visit your gps, it's not as though you're saying they can never see her!

I do think it's awful to let dogs get overweight. Not least because of the strain in puts on their joints, causing/exacerbating conditions like arthritis which can severely limit their quality of life and mobility. It can be difficult when you have a dog who loves his food, but it's part of being a responsible owner. And walks/outings/exercise are important not just for weight control but to give the dog a happy and interesting life! Especially a young lively dog like this.

They are emotionally blackmailing you - not fair at all. How long has Maisie been with you? Sounds like she is well and truly your dog and you have the right to keep her. And she has the right to be with the best possible person for her which sounds like you.

Ignore FabbyChic, what a nasty post.

Well the dog comes first, and being rehomed (especially unnecessarily) is a huge deal for a dog.

YANBU.

Agree that the comment was uncalled for Fabby, if Whizzy wasn't bothered she would have given the dog away by now. This must be really difficult for her.

I honestly don't know what I would do but I have to say it is very wrong to be using emotional blackmail, you obviously love your dog but are being made to feel that by giving it up or not giving it up you will affect the health of your grandad.

I know it's a bit morbid, but being realistic, if anything happened to your grandad - or grandma - how would one of them be able to cope with the dog. Your mum & grandparents need to be realistic and look at this from all angles, as you have been doing, and most of all think about the dog's wellbeing.

I also agree that not all rescue dogs are suitable, but at Beagle Welfare they have lots of older Beagles (7+) that need re-homing and as they need less excerise and are very loyal they make a great companion to older people....worth a thought.

I hope you manage to make the right decision and remember that whatever it is it has to be right for you and Maisy....oh and ignore any other nasty comments!!!

lovemyboysandbeagles- I have a 16 yo beagle and an 11 1/2 yo beagle, and they both STILL need lots of exercise and are lots of work!! Definitely not for elderly people, I would say! My 11 1/2 yo bitch will still run for the hills given half a chance, and my 16 yo is even more work now, as he is deaf, needs meds and is pretty senile and incontinent.

Joolyjoolyjoo - I was just going off what I have been told & read froom Beagle Welfare on success stories with older beagles being re-homed. I'm not saying they don't need walking but I know there are some at the moment that are older and well behaved etc that might be a suitable option to look into. I just don't think people should right off ALL rescue dogs, as it is not always the case that they are unsuitable & badly behaved.

Also, all dogs can get ill. Even if Maisy is given to the GD, there is still that risk that she could get ill and need looking after, so ththe comment re your older Beagle's conditions could apply to any breed of dog and also at any age if the dog gets ill - all things that need considering.

However, as someone has pointed out (i read it after my first post) they may not pass the home-check anyway.

I don't get it. If your GPs think having a dog would be a help to your GF, why can't they get their own dog? Why do they have to take yours?

lovesmyboysandbeagles- don't get me wrong, I'm all for rescue (especially beaglies ) but really not sure an elderly couple with health problems are suitable to look after any dog, whether elderly or not. I didn't mean that oldboy has health problems because he is a beagle, but rather because he is an older dog.

Can the GPs not be introduced to a PAT dog? Could the OP (or her family) look into this?

"I will just say that I am shock at the responses. They are all about what is 'best' for the dog - what about what is best for the GP's emotional needs at this very difficult time?"

Surely physical needs have to override emotional needs, whether we are talking animal or human.

Not having the dog will not negatively affect the GP's health. Whereas it sounds like them having the dog will affect the dogs health.

flatbread "overfeeding a dog is not abuse". Of course it bloody well is! Stuffing a healthy animal full of food that it doesn't need because of some weird compulsion of your own is abuse how can it not be? Honestly I have heard some nutty things in my time but just takes the dog biscuit.

Yes akemma, let's round up all the overweight dogs and kids and report their families for abuse, ok?

And while we are at it, why not extend the definition of abusive owners to all those whose dogs suffer from insufficient walks, or physical ailments due to their upbringing.

So let's round up guide dogs owners, the poor dears being ill-treated by not getting enough walks. And of course farmers with working dogs - how terrible that their wee bodies suffer from arthritis because of the work they do.

OTT generalizations of doggie abuse do not help anyone as no one treats their pets or kids perfectly [except the posters on this thread, apparently].

Whether the GPs get the dog or not, it is really not fair to call them abusive pet owners.

People who overfeed pets to the extent that it gives them/puts them at risk of health problems are abusive/neglectful. The same with those who don't walk them. Dogs need exercise. Full stop. Even if it's tipping down with rain or freezing cold, they need to be walked. Part of being a responsible pet owner is putting the well being of the animal first.

And lets not start playing top trumps with stroke victim grandparents.