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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby showers... urghhhhhhhh!

48 replies

passionforskiing · 02/08/2011 20:13

I expect I might get bah-humbugged out of cyberworld if not the real world for this, but... am I the only person that squirms when invited to a 'Baby Shower' (gushed in my best New York accent)???

Am I really the only person out there that thinks baby showers are a grotesque Americanism (no offence intended to any Americans out there - you are entitled to your own culture, it works pretty well in America!)?

Surely, I am not alone in resenting yet another imported celebration of consumerism. Doesn't anyone else feel a bit abused when the invitation comes through, listing what should be purchased for the forthcoming arrival, when it should be handed over and accompanied by which food stuffs that will contribute to the party event in honour of as-yet-unborn-infant.

I love to buy my friends' new babies gifts when they arrive in the world. Waiting to hear whether the newborn is a boy or a girl and then seeking out something special that might be appreciated by baby or parents or both is loads of fun. A baby shower shopping list, however, is brash, unromantic and rather insulting. Or is it just me?....

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 02/08/2011 20:57

I am American. I have never been to the type of baby shower you describe. Usually they are just parties, basically -- a chance to celebrate with the mum while she can still celebrate (and usually just for the first baby).

As for the gift list, what you see as ugly consumerism is seen by many Americans as pure practicality -- a way to avoid people wasting their money getting you something you don't need, or that someone else has already given you. They are not compulsory, you can also wait until after the baby comes. (I usually got a little something for the mum at the shower and a baby gift after.)

The tradition can also be explained by the fact that, well, Americans like parties! Ok that's a big generalisation but at least where I come from, people throw parties for everything. And I mean everything. So it would be pretty weird to have a Super Bowl party but do nothing at all to celebrate your firstborn.

Your typical baby shower is full of nothing but affection, laughter, lovely food, and extreme generosity. Don't hate the whole tradition because a few people go OTT about it.

Original poster

passionforskiing · 02/08/2011 21:22

Dreamingbohemian: Ah-ha. Thank you also for your explanation. I was definitely on a rant, but I really am appreciating hearing other people's take on the subject. Especially, I appreciate hearing from the American perspective because it does show the whole thing in a different light. I think what you say about American's liking parties (and therefore having them for lots of occasions that I might not have thought of), for instance is a really good point. Yes, I am learning something here.. and it's making me think...

OP posts:

redexpat · 02/08/2011 21:23

I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first. Weirdly, I don't find being pregnant all that exciting and have no desire to talk about it all afternoon, in much the same way I had no desire to discuss wedding plans. I don't want people showering me with gifts because I find it suffocating and we simply don't have the space.

However I can totally see why other people would relish it, particularly in light of the american social history lesson above - fascinating stuff!

Original poster

passionforskiing · 02/08/2011 21:25

PedigreeChump: HaHa, your post made me giggle a bit. Now, a 'bring-a-book' theme, I would have really liked that... So I'm thinking, maybe it is just the list of uninspiring items that I really don't want to buy, that has got my goat!!! The plot thickens...

OP posts:

Original poster

passionforskiing · 02/08/2011 21:27

redexpat: Hmmm... being pregnant (though very very much wanted) felt absolutely yukky to me so I concur with your thoughts. Yep, also loving the social history lesson...

OP posts:

PonceyMcPonce · 02/08/2011 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chibi · 02/08/2011 21:30

are you really invited to that many? really? it seems implausible for some reason...

MrsCog · 02/08/2011 21:30

I don't really like the idea, but one thing that really made me feel a bit uneasy was pictures of the 'games' at a friend of a friends on Facebook - practicing putting nappies on whilst on the phone, hanging washing and holding baby etc. It made my feminist side rise right up - you see Dads to be 'practicing' childcare like this - no. Women shouldn't do it as it just perpetuates the perception that childcare and housework is for women to take responsibility over.

Original poster

passionforskiing · 02/08/2011 21:34

PedigreeChump: An aside, just on the point of first birthdays; we didn't have one, but we did have a simple, very last minute, 2nd birthday party and I think I can offer a reason for why the parents of the party you attended might not have wanted to open the presents on the day. I found it really hard to keep track of who had bought what for DS (and it was really a fairly small gathering) so I was as subtly as I could writing down references so that I would be able to send out thank you cards properly after the event. I did manage to get all the cards out with only one slightly uncertain gifting reference but it made me realise why my sister used to put gifts on a table for later, like you mention.

OP posts:

Original poster

passionforskiing · 02/08/2011 21:44

Right, thanks everyone for your comments, thoughts and teachings. :-)

OP posts:

JanMorrow · 02/08/2011 21:46

I've never known anyone that's had one thank god.

PedigreeChump · 02/08/2011 21:50

passion ah, but you sound like a lovely thoughtful host who sends thank you cards. i.e not my BIL/SIL... A lovely simple 2nd birthday sounds nice.

This first birthday was a footballer's wives style party with 100+ invited. So maybe with that guestlist I can't actually be too critical of not managing to keep track of the present-givers!!

GotArt · 02/08/2011 22:10

Never been to a baby shower like the one you describe OP. My group of mum friends though knew I wanted a Sit&Stand stroller but DH told me that I had to sell the Quinney (I love my Quinney, its great for trails) if I wanted to buy a new stroller. They pooled money together to buy it and threw me a surprise baby shower. We've all pooled our money to buy one big gift that the mom wanted/needed and threw surprise showers for each. I like it.

A baby shower list is not any different than a wedding gift list... I suspect your disdain has more to do with the importing of the baby shower idea from NA.

A1980 · 02/08/2011 22:25

YANBU. I hate them. IMO no one should expect to showered with presents becasue they've decided get knocked up. You want it, you breed it, you buy the stuff for it.

A nice gift after it's born and when i know the sex is what i do. I'm also superstitious and don't believe in celebrating until it's here.

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 22:30

I think it just seems ridiculously precious. I know someone who had theres over a weekend away and had 'so and so's baby shower' banners posted etc. Hideously self centred imo and what person except the one duffed up is remotley interested in someone elses braxton hicks and pain relief plans?

HipHopOpotomus · 02/08/2011 22:38

YABU but to be fair your friends do sound a little weird. Baby showers I've been to in uk are simply not as you described.

YouDoTheMath · 02/08/2011 22:40

Blimey Bimbo, they must have been the first person in the history of the world to have a baby! And you're right, pregnancy is a dull subject to anyone who isn't.

InTheNightKitchen · 02/08/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/08/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baby2b · 02/08/2011 23:29

I know a baby shower is to lavish attention on the mum to be, but can honestly say that the chat wasn't entirely baby focused. When you are pregnant Bimbo you will realise that some people are generally interested and kind enough to share advice. I hope that is the case anyway, as I wouldn't wish anyone unsupportive friends during one of the biggest changes you can go through. Most pregnant people in my experience are after normality and that includes the usual banter with friends.

Baby2b · 02/08/2011 23:31

stewiegriffinsmum that could definitely be a thread in itself

maighdlin · 02/08/2011 23:36

i hate the idea of baby showers. i can't put my finger on why just think its very grabby. however have to own up to having a sort of baby shower. it was my birthday two days before DD was born and as we were really skint i asked my family for baby stuff for birthday presents so i did sort of have one, but it was only family.

harrietthespook · 02/08/2011 23:46

I love hosting baby showers for friends. Wish I could convert more British friends to them!

It's completely different when it's initiated by friends wanting to do something nice for another friend - and unexpected.

I have been 'invited' to a baby shower in Germany for an American friend three days before it was taking place. Would I be booking a ticket to Dusseldorf? With 3 days notice...um...no. AT LEAST PRETEND YOU WANTED ME TO ATTEND THE EVENT.

How many times was I emailed the gift list? Many. No, I didn't buy anything.

My mother has been asked to host babyshowers in the past with very restrictive gift lists. These are grim, true.

Agree w poster further up about tacky, grabby friends. they will always find an outlet - don't let them spoil it for everyone else.

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