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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my husband going to Las Vegas for a week-long stag do when our first baby is 3 months old?

110 replies

MonkeyMcNunkey · 02/08/2011 11:21

We haven't even had the baby yet - due imminently. Still, my husband announced that he had been invited on a stag do to Las Vegas for a week and was clearly excited at the prospect of going although he did acknowledge that this was 'controversial'. So far I have said that I don't want to talk about it at the moment - not least because I though I was having a contraction at the time! My concerns are principally that we have no idea what the needs of our wee one will be and although I will be the parent at home and DD will be out to work, I would expect his support in the evenings and weekends so that I do not lose my sanity altogether. He seems to think that his social life will continue as normal. Then there is the cost - I think the astronomical cost of a week long stag do in Vegas would be better put towards a family holiday for the 3 of us which I think we will be in need of. I don't want to be a nag, but equally I don't want to set an expectation that creates a rod for my own back - I saw that with my parents.

He wanted this baby at least as much as me.

Any advice?

Thanks!

OP posts:
belgo · 02/08/2011 11:22

YANBU, I don't mind my dh going away skiing every year, but not when your first baby is just 12 weeks old and not wasting money on a ridiculous stag week.

DoMeDon · 02/08/2011 11:25

YANBU

It's not a stag do if it's a week in vegas - it's a holiday

Why would anyone want to go on holiday alone at such a crucial time?

A/ They are selfish
B/ They are stupid
C/ Both

Answers on a postcard

Flowerface · 02/08/2011 11:26

Definitely, definitely YANBU. It's outrageous that he's thinking it's OK to go. The whole thing stinks of the "oooh, I'm being a bit naughty, but her indoors won't give me a pass" stupid, teenaged, laddish mentality. He should grow up!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/08/2011 11:26

YANBU. Cost would be the decider for me. Who are these minted grooms-to-be, so keen to spend everyone else's money for them?

whoneedssleepanyway · 02/08/2011 11:26

Shock at week long stag do...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/08/2011 11:27

Hmm at 'Shag Vegas'....

Anomaly · 02/08/2011 11:28

YANBU

Who on earth has a week long stag do? In Las Vegas? Is he close to the groom?

Mitmoo · 02/08/2011 11:30

It's all been said, selfish git. When are you going to get to go to Vegas and leave him home with the baby?

freybean · 02/08/2011 11:30

YANBU he is having a laugh, fucking off for a week while you've got a 3 month old

Albrecht · 02/08/2011 11:31

YANBU! This is not nagging fgs, its an expensive jolly while you'll be stuck at home quite possibly exhausted and sleep deprived with a young baby!

Sorry if this is upsetting but what if you or the baby have complications after the birth? Hopefuly he just hasn't thought about this properly. DH was just starting to go out for the odd evening once ds was asleep at this age and we agreed I had the right to call him back any time (never needed to but it was reassuring to know he was close if needs be).

squeakytoy · 02/08/2011 11:36

First of all, the week in Vegas wasnt HIS idea. This is someone else planning a stag do. So you cant blame him for the location.

You cant blame him for wanting to go if he has been invited. Only you know whether it is a fanancial option. If his going means you have to forfeit a family holiday, then it definately isnt on.

In fairness, a 3month old baby does not require a great deal of attention. Many women are single parents, or have partners who are away working during the week, so that really shouldnt be a major factor in this.

YouDoTheMath · 02/08/2011 11:40

My DP went away for a week when our firstborn was 8 weeks, and then for another week when she was 12 weeks - but they were both obligatory work training courses so I saw them as an investment in our future. I stayed with the inlaws one week, and my parents the other. Enjoyed the change of scenery, actually! Can you do anything like that?

I think it depends on the "bigger picture" (sorry about the cliche). Will he be likely to pull his weight at all other times, or do you have other reasons to suspect that he thinks his social life will continue as it did before, whilst yours remains on hold for the foreseeable?

squeakytoy · 02/08/2011 11:44

I think when it comes to Stag Do's, just like Hen Parties, they are in someone elses control. You get invited, but then you have to work out if you can afford to go. You cant expect other people to arrange their weddings around you and your baby.. so its a case of go (if you can afford it), or dont.

The stag or hen should be able to understand that people have family comittments and financial restraints, so while they may be able to have a five star sort of send off, not everyone will be able to attend.

solidgoldbrass · 02/08/2011 11:46

Unless you are loaded (as a family) then it isn't reasonable for him to spend a large amount of money on himself. Also, what if something goes a little bit wrong (I am not wishing horrors on you OP) and you need a bit of extra help around that time? He might end up forfeiting the money he's paid and not being able to go.

farnywarny · 02/08/2011 11:48

YANBU, I would have gone/be going mental

SmethwickBelle · 02/08/2011 11:49

I have a mixed response for you!

Its not ideal timing but to be honest you would be fine for a week on your own with the 3 month old baby, really you will, even if you haven't family around.

I'd let him go but in all seriousness expect to get a week "off" at some point in lieu. Far from making a rod for your own back it is an opportunity to reinforce that if he gets a morning lie in, or a day out to pursue hobby, a week on stag/holiday - that's fine... BUT then you get the same too.

And however much it is costing the family for his week out that's how much should be budgeted for your week out when you decide to take it.

It sounds mercenary but tackling "time out" this way has saved my marriage.

SmethwickBelle · 02/08/2011 11:50

I meant to add the financial aspect was probably more of a reason for him NOT to by the sound of it.

redskyatnight · 02/08/2011 11:50

My DH also went away for weeks at time (for work) when DC were small. There is no particular reason why having a baby should mean that he can't go away.

Bigger issues are

  • What are your financial priorities as a family post baby and how you agree what as a family you will spend out on
  • What is his/your expectation for your social lives post baby? If he's really expecting to carry on as before while you pick up the slack, maybe you need a reality check?

Both of which could do with being discussed (maybe leaving Las Vegas out initially so it is more of a general discussion) before you have the baby.

notso · 02/08/2011 11:51

I think the cost thing would piss me off, if you were having to not have a holiday together or miss out on things so he could go, then YANBU.

However that aside I would hate DH to stop me from doing something socially because he felt he couldn't look after our children without me.
I can just imagine the thread now, and I bet people would be slating him and calling him a twunt etc.

crazygracieuk · 02/08/2011 11:52

How close is he to the stag?

I have to disagree with squeaktoy. 2 out of 3 of my children needed a lot of attention at 12 weeks as they had colic and were screaming the house down for 5 or 6 hours a day.

My dh has been away for a week but this was for business so was easy to ignore. I'd be annoyed if my dh was calling me when drunk/full of stories about fun/not calling at all while I was exhausted and frazzled.

If he goes make sure he realises that when he gets back, he can't use jet lag/hang overs etc as an excuse and if he is jet lagged and up at night then he will be looking after the baby at night.

A week is taking the pee and if my h was really close to the stag because it's a brother or something then I would probably have to compromise and say 3 or 4 days tops. I think it's unacceptable that you are giving up a holiday for you and your baby so that he can get pissed/have fun on his own for a week.

stabiliser15 · 02/08/2011 11:53

My DH went on a stag do to Amsterdam when our DD was 12 weeks old. I was reasonably relaxed about it and went to stay with my parents which was lovely.

We set a budget of spending money which he adhered to so we could control the total cost, which made it easier. It was a struggle to afford but I thought it was important he went - we live 20 miles from most of his friends so I have a better commute, so he often misses out on impromptu nights out etc.

He had a great weekend away with the boys and he was appropriately grateful that I hadnt stopped it from happening - and at some stage I will cash in on that gratitude and have a weekend away to see friends etc myself!

Flowerface · 02/08/2011 11:53

'A 3 month old doesn't require much attention'. Er.... depends on the 3 month old! I couldn't put mine down for the first three months. I had to have a wee with one hand (as it were).

This said, DH did go to a conference when she was about 4 months. But my Mum came to stay to help me...

The 'there are single parents' argument is totally absurd. She ISN'T a single parent, that's the point!!

notso · 02/08/2011 11:55

Would like to add it's not the end of your life being at home with a new baby, you might actually enjoy it. Not everyone loses their sanity.
I'm not saying everyday will be a walk in the park but it is certainly not a death sentence.

PeterSpanswick · 02/08/2011 11:55

My DH did this except it was a week-long snowboarding holiday and he had only taken five days off work when ds was born. I made my feelings clear then said nothing more, his decision to go so let him get on with it and the week he was away was fine as friends and family rallied round to help.

I'd say he regrets going as he missed the baby a lot, I was v distant for quite some time afterwards as was still fairly hormonal, felt his priorities were all wrong and it shouldn't have been so easy for him to leave us at such an important time and actually started to feel differently about him as a result.

Looking back he can see how selfish he was being and what a prat he made himself out to be to me and everyone around us at the time, who still remind him of it now! If we had that time over, I don't think he would have bothered going.

Starshaped · 02/08/2011 11:59

YANBU. DH has been invited to two (!) stag dos in Las Vegas next year and isn't going to either. As you've said in your OP, the cost of the stag do will be the same as a family holiday and there's no way that we can justify DH spending the best part of £2000 a pop on a stag do. Fortunately, he's not the only one who isn't able to go on either trip, so he doesn't feel like he's missing out too much.

I know one poster has said that a 12 week old baby doesn't require much attention, so that your new arrival shouldn't be a factor in the decision - however I think that's rubbish TBH. DD is a similar age and requires near constant attention as she is a complete daytime sleep refusenik. Having a newborn is hard work and I take my hat off to lone parents and those who have to get on with it because their DP works away. If DH had to go away for work at the moment, I'd cope but I'd find it hard and tiring. However, if he chose to go away for a week's holiday at the moment, I'd be pretty pissed off. Having a new baby doesn't last forever, and once she's a little bit older (and we've got a bit more money), he can go on whatever stag do he pleases!

To be honest, you might find that once the baby arrives, your DH is so enamoured with him/her that he doesn't want to go away. My DH can't wait to get home from work at the moment to see DD (don't think he's that bothered about seeing me!). They change so fast at this stage that he might not want to miss out if he doesn't have to.