DH has told me my reasons for wanting to move are ridiculous - are they?

[whoneedssleepanyway]

So we live in a two bed terrace with our two DDs who have shared a bedroom since DD2 was 11 months.

I have wanted to move for a while but DH has kept saying to wait and see what happens with his latest business. I am at the stage now where I really want to move. DD1 starts school in September and it would be nice for her to have her own room as she does get disturbed by DD2 in the morning as DD2 has always been an early waker and poor sleeper. Also their room isn't very big, in fact it would be too small for 2 single beds so they have bunk beds and with them both getting bigger it would be nice to have more space.

I would like to have the space to have family and friends over more, my family is dispersed around the country with my sister overseas and we can never have any of the them to stay, also my best friend (who is godmother to DD1 and I am godmother to her DS) lives over 100 miles away from us and we always stay with them and can never have them to stay with us. DH has told me that these aren't reasons for needing a bigger house, they are "nice to haves", and at the end of the day we have adequate space for the 4 of us which is what matters.

We could afford to move somewhere bigger but it would mean moving to not such a central area and DH basically doesn't want to do this, in fact has refused point blank to even consider some of the areas I have suggested. He keeps saying what is the point in spending money on a move if in a few years this latest business is successful and we could afford somewhere bigger, we will have wasted the money moving. I don't look at it like that and think this is our home and so if we have to spend money to have a better quality of life so be it.

I said I wanted us to set a timescale by which we would move, ideally I would have liked this to be in time to make DD2's reception application in Dec 2012 as otherwise we will be moving and trying to find a school for the 2 girls that has spaces in both their years and it would be nice at least if DD2 didn't have to move school. Again DH has dismissed this as being a reason and says loads of children change schools and we just have to deal with this.

He also says setting some "arbitrary" timescale as he calls it is ridiculous, what is the point, we should just wait and see what happens. I don't think it is unreasonable to plan for things.

I just feel like I have supported him with all the business ventures he has tried, I have stayed in a job that I don't like very much and has an awful commute so that we have a guaranteed income, I have waited and waited to move but just feel like enough is enough and at some point we can't keep waiting for what might happen and be around the corner. Added to which we have done nothing to our house for ages, I would have liked to have spent some money on the garden having it done up/ new patio etc but DH kept saying wait until we move...but that just isn't happening.

He told me my reasons were ridiculous and that I should just listen to him but I feel like all the above are valid reasons and he should consider them and at the very least agree that we will set some kind of timetable at which point we will say enough waiting.

I realise all this makes him sound really really selfish, and he isn't in other things and I think he just gets so wrapped up in trying to make his businesses a success that he loses sight of other things.

AIBU?

Sometimes it pays to be patient, we now have moved to a bigger house because it was the right time and the right house and both DH and I felt that way IYSWIM.

In our case we knew we needed more space the moment I found out I was pregnant with DD4 but there were 3 things in the way, for DH it was money and for me it was I simply did not want to move (7 years is the longest we had stayed anywhere and for the first time the place where we lived felt like home also as we were after renting rather than buying there was far less on offer as far as larger houses are concerned. However, during the years we 'put up' with less space we managed to put a bit of money on the side and when the time was right for all of us and a big family house came up for letting we just went for it. It felt right for both of us at the same time. There is light at the end of the tunnel and depending on how well your DH new business will go, it might be sooner than you expect. All the best anyway, I really hope you find a way to make both of you happy!

Hmmm....I'm kind of in two minds about this.

I think your reasons for wanting to move are valid enough, but not essential I'm afraid. Wanting to host Christmas isn't any reason to move...neither is not having space for guests....and certainly, your kids having to share a room is a rubbish reason. Why does everyone think kids need their own rooms these days? Imho your home as it currently is, is perfectly adequate for your needs......the reasons you mention are desires. Or as your husband puts it 'nice-to-haves'.

I'd be curious to know what he would say about the bedroom issue if one of the girls was a boy. Would he still say the same?

well you both have valid reasons and i think his best reason is financial
I think 2 girls sharing a room is fine the younger one will not be disturbing older one within a few more months, my parents had 3 bed house and 5 children it is not unreasonable to expect girls to share a room until they leave home, nice to have your own room but not entitled to it. not wanting to increase your mortgage in todays economic climate is very reasonable. and some people really really do not like debt and would rather be in a smaller space because of that

On the other hand moving before your DD starts school is reasonable, wanting more space is reasonable, wanting room for guests and room for dining table that seats 8 is a luxury nice if you can get it, if you move to 3 bed house you will still have no guest room unless DDs share again

I think your DH is right you do have to stop being emotional, I think give it a few months without talking about it much see how new business goes, no point in doing garden this late in summer draw up pros and cons like business plan and weigh them up. commute , your job/ his job mortgage etc

movng is not cheap and house prices are not going anywhere fast. they do say the worst house in best area is better than the beast house in a worse area not sure I buy that entirely

lots of people can not stay in same area for next 15 + years so kids can stay in same schools, ideally not moving but stability in school is more important once 11+

YANBU but then neither is he BU hope it works out but do not keep discussing it every few days

Melly I am not sure...

The other thing in all this that I guess makes me doubt whether he will commit to anything in 2 months time was, that initally he was totally adamant that we could not possbly have a 2nd DC in our house and needed to move before that could happen (we had both agreed we wanted at least 2 DC), I basically said that I didn't want to wait indefinitely to have a 2nd DC (also am in my 30s to wanted to get a move on) so he reluctantly agreed we would try, see what happened and then move. As it was I got pregnant straight away and we agreed to stay put until after I had had DC2. If I had given in to him on this we would still only have the 1 DC.....He has now obviously totally changed his mind on this point and thinks it is fine to have 2 DC in our house.

Anyway my point is that he found that it has been ok to have 2 DCs in our house (until now) but it took a lot of convincing to get him to budge initially, so he doesn't always no best but it is just getting him to realise that...

Know best obviously, not no best

if you move to 3 bed house you will still have no guest room unless DDs share again

I think this is a very good point too.

he is just stalling you, your reasons are plenty good enough.

I guess one of the DDs could give up her room and bunk in with her sister while guests were there? (if they had the 3 bedrooms, I mean).

I do think it's a bit of a luxury to have one or more rooms permanently set aside for guests, surely most people don't have that? When I was growing up it was always a case of getting out the camp bed and/or someone sleeping on the sofa, to make room for relatives staying over!

The stability for the DDs schooling is probably the best argument. Of course children do move schools and it's usually fine, but not ideal if you have the option of avoiding it.

OP, no, your reasons are not ridiculous. Also, it sounds like you have supported him a lot during the past six years, and worked hard in a job you don't like. I'm sure you rightly feel it's about time you bore the fruit of you labour.

Perhaps you could show him this thread?

Who is he proving himself to? It sounds like he desperately wants - no, needs - to make it. And make it big? It is not reasonable for him to force you all to support him, particularly if he has not rationally laid out what his plans are and, from what you say, has moved the goalposts.

But I would say again - who is he proving himself to?

I don'#t think your reasons are unreasonable whoneeds. I don't think the actual reasons are important, more that you are very distressed - that is reason enough imo. I also would shudder at moving kids to a different school. imo it is better to get them settled where they're going to stay.

YANBU - moving before starting school would be sensible and having more space would make it easier on you all as a family.

However, moving to suburbia (which I'm guessing is what you are suggesting from moving from a central location to have more space for less money) is pure hell - I don't blame him for baulking! My DH wanted us to move to some ungodly new build estate 20 mins drive from the nearest shops at one point. I told him I'd rather get divorced!!! My absolute insistence was that we had a 24 hour shop within walking distance. Could you figure out what his personal non-negotiables are to living somewhere else? It might be he wants a short commute, or that he'd miss the cafe culture, or maybe he wants to be able to walk to the shops, or maybe doesn't want to live in an identikit house (I sure didn't!!)? Those things are possible in suburbia, but require a bit more hunting!

Your feelings are not at all unreasonable - everyone wants the best quality of life - however, your husband sounds to me to be quite prudent (although you don't really allude to his business acumen, his general risk aversion sounds fairly sensible to me).

Sometimes, you have to make short/medium term sacrifices - both to end up better long term and also to make sure that you don't end up taking on too much risk (i.e. debt).

Forcing him to go against his doubts and ploughing ahead could put a lot of stress/pressure on him whilst he's trying to get his business working. You then face the possibility he'd crack, or maybe it'd be the making of him.

Personally, in these times I'd opt for caution, so he's NBU.

I think the reason you get 'emotional' over the house issue is because you feel powerless and unable to make plans.

Your dh keeps changing the plans. It is like saying to the dcs 'you can have chocolate after lunch. No, you might have it at 3pm. No, maybe at 6pm...'

It is not big deal for children to share or to not have guests room but it is big deal that you dont feel in charge of your life and family.

hear hear laquitar - great post

I meant to add that i am like your dh, i dont like moving and i dont like a big mortgage. But i made that clear to my dh at the begining.
The (only) mistake your dh made is that he promised you something and then he is dragging it. That does make the other person frastruted and 'emotional'.

Agree with Laquitar. I think he owes it to you to sit down and have a proper talk (by which I mean he should actually listen to you, not just label your views as "emotional" and therefore free to be disregarded).

It seems as though he thinks he can get away with saying "later" rather than "no" to pacify you and make the issue go away for a bit. Which is VU on his part, as that is how (some) parents treat their DC, not how two equal partners in a relationship should relate to each other. He needs to understand that he doesn't get the final say on this decision - you need to reach an agreement between you.

It sounds to me as if he doesn't want to move or that he has now reached delusion point so far as having a successful business is concerned. Or a combination of both. Certainly, his past history so far as his business acumen is concerned suggests that you could be waiting to move forever. However, it is a very useful get-out clause if he doesn't want to move in the first place. So you have to tackle this excuse, ideally by setting a deadline for revisiting the idea. I realise that this might affect the school issue but given the age of your dd, this delay might not an insuperable problem.

Speaking as someone whose dp has just dropped a "refusal to move" bombshell - despite prior agreement to do just that - the consequences may have a terminal effect on the relationship and I'd not like to see anyone else in the same position.

Your reasons for moving are valid although I don't, personally, think that sharing a bedroom is a terrible hardship. However, if you can afford a larger house and it would make life more comfortable, it doesn't seem unreasonable to make the move.

If I were you, I'd want to get to the real reason he is avoiding this move. This might be insecurity, fear of taking on more than he can afford or even just selfishness but either way, there has to be something deeper going on.

Thanks everyone for your comments they have been very useful.

I think my resentment on the moving issue does also tie in with the fact that I am starting to lose my patience with DH and his business ventures. He has undertaken 3 in the last 6 years, to be fair none of these have folded and venture number 1 does make some money and he has learnt a lot from it, venture 2 is still ticking over but is probably not going to amount to much and and venture 3 could go either way. But I really do feel that if number 3 doesn't work out that has to be it and we draw a line under this.

If I am really honest I think he is probably worried that if venture 3 doesn't work, what will he do? I think he knows that this is the last chance saloon as far as running his own business goes, but not having been employed for over 6 years I think he wonders what he will do or could do. Someone said about him being a drifter and dreamer and there have been a few other things he has started in this time also, he considered doing one particular professional qualification and changed his mind and then actually did another one along side running the businesses but never ended up using it. So I guess I can see why he has kept putting this off as there is no point taking on more debt if he is going to struggle to contribute any more financially.

I think if in two months time things haven't moved on we need to have a very frank discussion about what he is going to do with himself and make some decisions regarding how to faciliate moving (so maybe make some compromises on location). I guess it is just a case of watch this space....

It depends how small your 2 bed is. We are odd in this country for obsessing over bedroom no. rather than sq footage. A sofabed is fine imo for visitors but if you have a tiny kitchen and living room aswell then you probably are a bit cramped.

Tbh if you are 5he one paying the bills then you should have the final say on financial decisions like housebuying. Could you maybe rent out your current place and rent a 3 bed as a temp compromise?

There's definitely a huge difference in 2 bed houses. The bedroom our kids share is 8'6 by 15', so relatively huge and certainly big enough for separate single beds. We have a long through lounge, which is staggered so it feels bigger than it actually is. We almost bought a 4 bed house with only 150 sq ft more than this one and I don't think we would have stayed there as long because all the bedrooms were tiny.

When my parents come to stay, they either bring their caravan or make use of the nearby travelodge. It costs less than the additional price of a house with a guest room would be.

And now, I would like to move to a 3 bed house for one reason. Both of the boys have ASD and it's impossible to leave them alone together. DS1 has real difficulty getting to sleep and hates DS2 and can be very aggressive towards him when he's tired and hyper. We end up having to get DS2 to sleep downstairs while DS1 (eventually) goes to sleep upstairs and he's getting too heavy to carry up the narrow, steep staircase. We will need to either move or extend in the next few years because the really will need their own separate space.

If we didn't have such extreme issues, we would be in ho hurry to move, though, or else would prioritise moving to somewhere in less of a backwater with more amenities over more space.

I would feel very frustrated in your shoes OP. Everything is 'jam tomorrow' with your husband, and no attention paid to the NOW. He won't move, in case you can afford even better in a few years. But he won't make the current house the best it can be while you live there. I personally would give him a couple of months to see how his latest venture is going to go, but then I think I would become as stubborn as a mule. You are the one with the rubbish commute, and you have valid reasons, i.e. the school issue and your DD1's sleep.

Your home has to suit all of you, not just him.

In my opinion YANBU, DH and I had a similar issue a while ago and one thing we looked at was renting ours out and renting a bigger place, for various reasons we didn't do it. But it meant no solicitors fee's and no bigger mortgage, we would have made money from renting ours (rent was more than mortgage repayments) so we wouldn't have ended up that much worse off. Meant when we did come to move we could sell ours and we hadn't lost that much, maybe a solution you could put to him? Just an idea, at least shows your considering his reservations.

YANBU. Turn it around and ask your DH to provide his reasons not to move.

Clearly wanting to 'wait and see what happens' (i.e. nothing! who wakes up and finds themselves in a new house?!) is not a reason. So far it would appear it is him who has ridiculous 'reasons'.

With your husband's employment status I'd seriously look into whether you could get a mortgage for a move. No point falling out over something that isn't a possibility, or getting him to agree a move and then find out you can't get a mortgage.