To be running out of patience with my mother

[Grumpystiltskin]

She's an alcoholic which is bad enough, she won't admit it and I constantly find bottles of this or that around the house, I have tried talking to her about it for the last ten years to no avail. Before we got married she called by husband a Gold digger because I earn more than him, she frequently falls asleep at mealtimes and is rude and embarrasing and obnoxious, I had told DH about her very early on in our relationship so he was prepared but it's still mortifying.

On Friday returned early from an overseas trip with my husband's work (I have CRB etc so help out if they can't get enough staff from the school to help) because I was offered an early flight as one of the staff who was due to leave decided to stay so we swapped. It made sense as I start a new job on Tuesday at 8am and we weren't due back 'til Monday at 9pm. So yesterday I thought I would nip (3 hours each way....!) home to see mum and dad as I don't get to see them often.

Now she has told my brother that DH and I are splitting up and her women's intuition tells her that there is another reason that I came home early and it's not to do with new job etc. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This is sort of the icing on the cake as she lets me down more than she doesn't. I just can't give up on her though but it's a real thorn in my side, DH hates being alone with her (sometimes unavoidable when we visit) and she makes me so angry sometimes I shake.

aaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Is there any reason you can't just back off from her?

My dad has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons and I'm very close to him, if I don't go home occasionally then he can't cope with things like cleaning and other bits and bobs around the house.

Maybe I should but I worry she will just get worse and worse and my dad will be left to cope on his own with so much to do.

Maybe that's what I should do. So angry at the moment.

I too have a parent who is an alcoholic. It has been painful but I have had to sever all contact with him. He refused to accept any help from me, won't acknowledge he has a problem, tells lies, causes trouble (he completely wrecked my wedding which was unforgiveable), has alienated family from me by telling them that his problems are all my fault. I have had no alternative but to walk away from him, for the sake of my mental health. In the last year he has driven me close to a nervous breakdown with his behaviour towards both myself and DH. He is also backed up by his band of drinking cronies who have all attacked us too and can't see that he has a problem either. Painful though it is, I have had to conclude that you can't help an alcoholic who doesn't want to be helped and they will eventually turn on you and try to blame you for all their problems (I was even warned that this would happen by his GP but never thought he would turn on his own daughter, until I experienced it). If you can't back off from your mum, you'll need to develop a hard shell to protect yourself.

Thank you Jaffa. I wonder how hard it would be to still see my dad but not my mum or if I must actually see her, at least exclude her from my life IYSWIM.

as on leave tomorrow at my family at my mum.

Ah. That's hard, I'm sorry.

Can you talk to your dad about your mum?

Yeah, we do talk about it and about how to improve things but my dad is totally non confrontational and only takes her to task very occasionally. I think my dad is the person I am closest to (other than DH but closer than my best girlfriends) and vice versa. I feel so sorry for him that he's got this awful (though thankfully mild at this stage) disease and he can't spend his retirement years enjoying himself with his wife.

It breaks my heart.

Grumpy - would it be possible to see your dad anywhere outside their home at all? It is so hard to know what to do for the best. My mother died a long time ago so it is just my dad on his own. Sadly it has got to the point where we are just waiting for him to drink himself to death so we can have some peace. I know that sounds so harsh, and it is, but we can't do anything more.

I really feel for your poor dad - he doesn't need this added stress in his life. We had a lovely neighbour (at our old house) who has Parkinson's disease and have seen him getting steadily worse over the years to the point where he really won't be able to drive soon. I don't know what to suggest.

Thanks for replies, I'm on my own at home and feeling shitty so it really helps to just have some replies.

My parents are farmers (well my dad is, my mum just is nothing really since she retired from nursing last year) and part of why I enjoy going home is to work on the farm where I grew up, I love helping my dad with the animals etc and I know he would be devastated if I didn't go back there. It's a great thought Jaffa and I would do it if the farm wasn't such a big part of why I go home.

My dad saves up difficult or two "man" jobs for when I go back so I can help him, I love it.

Al Anon family groups is the place for you. Or try Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I'd forgotten about Al Anon - you can read other people's stories and see how they've learned to cope with whoever it is in their family who has a problem. I didn't post anything on there at the time I found out about it when the problems were at their worst, but did find it really helped me to understand I wasn't the only person out there with a shitty parent. It gave me the courage to make my decision to walk away. I really hope you manage to find a solution that works for you. Have you tried talking to your mother's GP? Sometimes they are willing to talk to family members where there is a problem.

I have an aunt who was a serious alcoholic for years and years. What was interesting is that the people who got hurt most were the ones who just couldn't admit that her nastiness was part of the disease - she wants to keep you at arms length so she can go about her addiction without you interfereing.

What you have to realise when she makes up an outrageous story is that:

1. She does it to get a reaction from you
2. Anyone hearing this story will take it with an incredibly large pinch of salt so it loses its power every time she does it

Ignore it - if she won't change and won't get help, there's nothing more you can do except support your dad and other family and not take her comments to heart.

Thanks northern. That makes sense, I will gave a good look at the websites, it does help to know I'm not alone.