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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was out of order and that she is lying

48 replies

yikert · 30/07/2011 16:01

My brother was knocked off his bike on Wednesday and needed to be taken to hospital and he was discharged yesterday. His girlfriend didn't tell me. I only found out this morning when I saw a friend who apparently saw it happen and have since contacted them and she said she forgot. We don't really get on very well and think that she deliberately didn't tell me.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 30/07/2011 17:52

If ANY member of my direct family was in hospital for THREE DAYS, I'd want to know about it!

Likewise if I was the Gf of someone I'd tell his parents/siblings the very same day FGS!

You don't forget to call. If nothing else she could have had an awful lot of support herself from your family. Did she tell her OWN family?

Is she isolating him in any other respect? That to me is a red flag, and it'd be writing on the wall for me, hopefully she is not going to be a long term fixture in your DB's life.

bredes · 30/07/2011 18:00

She should have told you, no doubt. It seems to me like she is trying to distance him from you and claiming she forgot is a pathetic lie IMO

freddy05 · 30/07/2011 18:04

When DH was knocked off his bike and broke his back the accident was witnessed by one of his uncles. They told the police there was no need to inform me because they would do it, they didn't they went to his parents and told them, we'd been married 5 years by then and he was five minutes from home expected for his tea. No one contacted me until an hour later when they appeared at my door, me obviously worried by where he was as he was so late. They then would not leave my side or his, one each, until a week after he was released from hospital. Not one second to get my head together or sort things for him or for him to see his daughter for nearly two weeks because they wouldn't leave us alone. DH's decision there and then was that they were never to be informed of anything like that again unless he did it because it was not good for his recovery in any way.

I'm not saying you would ever have interfered in any way but people sometimes need time to get their head together before other people are around.

Birdsgottafly · 30/07/2011 18:04

Before holding her responsible, you have got to speak to your brother about it.

One time when my DH was addmitted but knew it wasn't serious, he asked me not to tell certain relatives because he couldn't have coped with the carry-on out of them, on top of being in hospital, they make a fuss about nothing. Also they wouldn't have given us any space together.

He will be well enough for you to explore this next week. The nursing staff ask if there is anyone that you want contacting, he chose her and no-one else.

TheOriginalFAB · 30/07/2011 18:15

Maybe he only said his girlfriend because he knows the nursing staff don't have time to ring numerous relatives.

When people are in a relationship it can bump parents and siblings down a level.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/07/2011 19:06

When DF had a car accident last year I assesed the situation then decided I would wait until the next day to tell his parents/sister. Otherwise they would have only panicked and driven 120 miles at 8:30pm in the pissing rain to find he was ok, bruised, but essentially ok.

Maybe it was a situation like that? How far away are you to you brother? Did he maybe say not to tell you for the time being so that you were not being worried unnecessarily?

diddl · 30/07/2011 19:17

If they are both young & she is his gfriend, it might have occured to her to inform anyone if he didn´t ask.

fastweb · 30/07/2011 19:33

I would have called you.

On the day I was leaving ex h he was running a temp. He was OK, not needing hospital or anything and there were people to take care of him. But I called his mum AND sister anyway, so they were in the loop cos it wasn't the mildest fever I had ever seen.

Possibly because I would call myself, even when feeling a bit off an entire family in general, I don't understand why she didn't call you. And in your shoes I'd be pissed off and wondering what the hell her motive was.

I don't see it as a case of who owes who what based on the specifics of the sort of "legal" relationship they have.

It is basic "humanity" (slightly over egged term for the context, but can't think of another word) to let family know when their loved one has been hurt, (unless expressly told not to by said loved one) even if it is just to tell them, "don't panic, there's been a bit of a set to, but he's fine".

fastweb · 30/07/2011 19:36

last year I assesed the situation then decided I would wait until the next day to tell his parents/sister. Otherwise they would have only panicked and driven 120 miles at 8:30pm in the pissing rain to find he was ok, bruised, but essentially ok.

That I understand, delaying a call to make sure people who tend to over react don't put themselves at risk.

But I'm sure you would have told them that rather than telling them "I forgot" when they did find out about the accident, no ?

WhiteTrash · 30/07/2011 19:37

I adore my brothers. But if I was knocked off my bike, telling them would not be on the top of my partners to-do list. I expect it was the same for her.

RevoltingPeasant · 30/07/2011 19:49

YANBU, I think. If my sister were knocked off her bike, I'd expect a text at least from her DP. Maybe not that night, if he didn't want me to worry, but definitely the next day. Especially if your parents are abroad.

She sounds pretty thoughtless at the least. And tbh, no matter what your relationship with her, if she cares about your DB, then she should be thinking about your relationship with him.

bned · 30/07/2011 20:15

YANBU she should have told you, it sounds really suscpicious to me. She is either very immature and so didn't think or she was deliberately excluding you and the rest of your family. This would cause alarm to me.

picturelibrary · 30/07/2011 20:46

YANBU
I would be absolutely livid if I were in your shoes.

iscream · 30/07/2011 21:10

My brother had a heart attack, and had surgery and I only found out when I called his ex wife worried, as he always phoned me, and hadn't for over a week. She had their kids there, and did not call me or our mom! I was really, really annoyed, to say the least!
I think your db's gf probably did forget, if she is a self centered person, and your db was probably too out of it.
Sometimes a person is too stressed to think normally. I was in hospital for a week once and forgot to call a very good friend. It didn't occur to me. All I thought of was my kids and getting well. My husband did call my mother, but didn't call my brother, now that I think of it.

nolidio · 30/07/2011 21:48

YANBU if he was in hospital for 3 days then she should have notifyed your family

FreePeaceSweet · 30/07/2011 22:04

YANBU. They aren't married so shouldn't his next of kin been automatically involved by the doctors in charge anyway? When my uncle had a heart attack his daughters only found out by accident the next day. (My cousin rang his phone and a nurse answered) I don't always get on with dh family but not in a million years would I keep something like that from them. Its spiteful imo.

wonkylegs · 30/07/2011 22:09

I think you are possibly over reacting my family are terrible communicators and rarely remember to contact the right people they just seem to assume that everybody knows through some sort of psychic link
When my DB 22 got beaten up pushed 3 floors down a fire escape and smashed his face in I only found out because my mum was visiting me and he phoned her to see if she could pick him up from the hospital because they wouldn't release him on his own (she couldn't because she was 300 miles away at my house) it was the 1st she knew about him being injured!
2nd time he cracked his head open, I found out as a mate had seen it happen on footage on the news (tesco riots in Bristol) and phoned me.
Btw he's the softest little brother in the world but has a canny knack of being in the wrong place at wrong time

janewa · 31/07/2011 05:45

Maybe she did forget, if she was worried about him then it is easily done.

Mitmoo · 31/07/2011 06:43

There is no excuse as being too busy what nonsense. My mum is regularly admitted, I get annoyed with my family as they do nothing and I do everything for her.

but I leave A&E go outside, every time and either call or text all, or call one of them and give them the job of calling the rest, I call the priest as she wants to be prayed for at mass, and a few close friends, it takes 10 minutes. When someone gets admitted to A&E there is loads of waiting around time.

Having said all of that, the hospital would have let the brother make a call though if he was well enough.

pictish · 31/07/2011 09:28

Yabu. I wouldn't bother phoning my dh's family for a concussion. Sorry.

BluddyMoFo · 31/07/2011 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ambergambler · 31/07/2011 11:25

No, I disagree. She should have let you know. Particularly as it was likely that you would hear it from someone else. She had 2 days ffs. She could even have sent a text 'don't panic but x has happened. he is ok, but staying in for obs' or similar. Not nice to hear about your own family second hand.
Similar situation - Ds1's Dad had an accident at work. Someone ran into DS1 and told him his Dad had an accident etc (upsetting DS1). Managed to conatct his Dad, and it turned out to be stitches in his hand. Now he always makes sure DS knows if anything happens.
Better for family to have facts directly, than someone asking how 'x' is after accident etc that you do not know about. So unnecessary, as it causes worry.

festi · 31/07/2011 11:34

I think you are looking into this far too much. I wouldnt expect to be told of an accident like this. I would be surprised if a ds or db inlaw did contact me in these circumstances and my family are very close.

My brother had a seriouse injury and I didt find out for at least a week or so, he told me I called him just for a catch up. He was fine and recovering and didnt need anything from me. I didnt find this unusual or anything. If however I had found out by a passer by that wouldnt worry or upset me either, but I would then at least call him.

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