Teenage daughter wwyd

[Attheendofmyteather]

Background...
I left my abusive ex and have moved in with a wonderful lovely DP with my DD and his DD.

When I was with ex DD was not allowed much freedom which I didnt agree with. Now I have given her lots of freedom, lots of shopping trips, money to go out with friends, two parties in six months (where her friends trashed the house), lots of sleep overs, contract phone. She basically has the easy life, my rules are...

go to school
be nice
tidy up after yourself

thats about it. DD is 15, her friends now call her spoilt, but after EX who begrudged anything I bought her I enjoyed spoiling her.

However in the last three months she has gone nuts. She is rude, she swears, if I tell her no she screams at me, threatens me, insults me. If I ground her she goes out, if I shout at her she shouts back, she threatens to hit me.

She has a boyfriend who treats her like dirt. One day she was screaming and crying at him down the phone so loud we couldnt hear the TV downstairs. I knocked on her door and asked her to be quiet but she just screamed at me to "fuck off".

In the last week her boyfriend has turned up drunk at the house after midnight and she expects me to let him stay. Once was 1.30am after he had been kicked out of home after a row with his brother. The night before I found out that he had been abusive to DD so I said no, she went balastic in the street, screaming and shouting with the neighbours complaining. She rings me at work screaming and shouting, even when I have told her that it will get me sacked.

The stuff she says is horrendous and DP hates that he has to listen to it and cant do anything to stop it. She does it with guests in the house. It is humilating.

She now has had a row with DSD. DD's boyfriend kept us all awake until 3.30am. The next day DSD put her music on at 11.30am and DD went nuts, and said some vile things about DSD's Mum (all over text) and DSD did say some horrible things back too.

Now DD is saying she wants me and her to move out into our own flat. I dont want to, I love DP, I have never been this happy in my life with someone. He is gentle and sweet and had ever even raised his voice at DD. He has helped her out in many ways, financially, emotionally etc.

I know if it was just me and her she would be even worse. WWYD?
H

I just don't know how to do that when she is being so repulsive. I have been out on mum and daughter shopping trips, I even went to the midnight showing of Harry potter with her on a work night as she wanted us to go.

I guess it is just sticking with it until she comes out the other side is the way to go but she really isn't making it easy.

She is a bright girl, she knows exactly what buttons to push. The latest is screaming at the top of her voice really embarrassing, and untrue, things about me she has heard from her dad. Truly offensive stuff. There are no depths to which she won't stoop and, to be honest, she is making it hard for anyone to want to spend time with her.

My son went a bit like this for a time ,do you know what i did? when he was at his very worst ,in my face screaming etc ,i would ring my friend and ignore him , i would tell her what he was doing and what he was saying . He hated this , because it was embarassing for him to hear his actions being described to a third party , he knew what he was doing/saying was wrong .

Ask her father to take her in, she is out of control.tell her. If she cannot show you respect she has to leave. Don't leave your partner because a nasty child says you should.

What is the timeframe for these events?

How long have you been living with dp and how old is dsd?

Is dd achieving at school? Did the school express concerns about her behaviour that led to her receiving counselling and, if so, what behaviour was she exhibiting at school? How often does dd see her counsellor? Have you attended any sessions or had any feedback from dd's counsellor?

How long has dd been involved with her boyfriend, and how old is he? How did you discover that he'd been abusive to her, and is it probable that their relationship is sexual?

Did any incident take place some 3-4 months ago that may have triggered dd's acting out? For example, the loss of a relative/friend/pet or some minor occurence that may not have seemed particularly important at the time - perhaps you and dp were talking about making your liaison more permanent, dsd may have achieved a milestone and received lavish praise, or was this when dsd turned the corner, so to speak?

No child is intrinsically nasty, Fabby, although they may become that way because of events that they cannot control.

The OP is struggling with an extreme case of atypical teenage behaviour which is exacerbated by her own, and her dd's, life history.

Advising the OP to send her dd back to live with her toxic father will cause far more harm than good to all concerned.

Do you tell her you love her? She needs to hear that.

Could she spend some time with her father, for a bit of a break for you both? If she knows she's welcome back to you, it might help.

I tell her I love her all the time. I tell her she is my beautiful princess. When she had an argument with bf last week I cuddled her and stroked her hair until she went to sleep.

She is in a sexual relationship, she told me. I didn't freak but sorted out protection whilst telling her that she shouldn't be rushing into that sort of relationship. That may have been right or wrong but I want her to tell me things. She has been with him six months, about the same time as me and dp.

She has been bunking school, rude to teachers etc. We have arranged for her to spend one day at school at college to try and improve this. She is very bright and should have been heading to uni.

But she's not a princess, she's a 15 year old girl in a sexual relationship with a boyfriend who makes her angry, with a father whom her mother left for being abusive, and with a mother who has new partner and a new step-daughter.

She's bright, angry, sad, confused and abused.

She needs rules, boundaries and communication now more than ever before. She needs to hear the word 'No' as well as the words 'I love you', from you.

But most of all she need the men in her life - all of them - to stop messing with her head. You can only do so much, but you can guide her here.

Her father and your DP can help. It sounds like the BF is a deadender. Try to minimise the number of conflicting messages she is receiving from them.

Poor girl.

When you elected to live with your dp and his dsd, did your dd have any choice in the matter?

Did she express a desire to live with you, or did she want to remain with her father but it was not expedient for her to do so?

Did your dd have time to get to know your dp and his daughter before you became a new family unit?

Will you be going away from home as a family for any length of time in the current school summer vacation period?

I try to stick to those - never forget to apologise if you make mistakes, but always keep your promisses.

Can you sit down with her, explain rules to her and then stick to them?

She is confused, She had strict boundaries and now she doesn't have any. She needs to have some boundaries and needs to know you like her as well as love her, Try not to shout back at her when she starts shouting just step back and try to talk to her when she is calm, Can you sit down together when she does talk to you calmly and set some rules together.
Just keep perservereing and it will get better,

she needs rules, not a best friend.

Just answering quickly without reading other posts ...

You can expect her to be angry and go off the rails a bit. She's still processing all the weirdness of her early life with X, plus she's been through a bunch of huge changes AND is suffering the trials of teenagedom. I feel for her, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for you, DP and DSD!

I agree with your policy of spoiling her. But it's important that she understands exactly what you're doing and why. You mustn't try to gloss over the abusive aspects of your marriage to her father, nor discount all her (inevitably complicated) feelings about it.

As part of the same parent-to-young-adult conversations, she'll need guidance to understand that she's replaying aspects of the relationship you modelled with her father, now, in her current relationship. 15-year-olds haven't got fully developed "theory of mind" yet (being able to put yourself in another's shoes) or proper boundaries. You can help her with this, basically helping her understand herself and respect you for the experienced, adult woman you are.

Ignore the moving out request, it's just a stroppy reaction. But do get to work on the full-scale emotional guidance program.

Hope Saturday's turned out better (after a Friday night with two pissed-off teenagers? Fat chance!) and I'll come back & see how you're doing today, if that's okay.

I assume that you have worked out that the bottom line is that she's punishing you, and punishing herself simultaneously?

How old is the boyfriend, and do you speak to your ex about your dd's welfare/wellbeing?

Dd and I moved in together first, then dp was staying here regularly and dd was fine, in fact they got on like s house on fire.

Dsd clashes with her dm and that was the catalyst for them moving in. Dd was happy for dsd to move in, she was asked. It was fine for a couple of months, until she started rowing with bf. Then she started taking out her anger on the rest of us.

Although I would love to blame all the bad behaviour on the bf, dd knows what she is doing is wrong. No matter what is going on with bf she doesn't have the right to take it all out on us.

Bf is 17. I found out what was happening between them when I got a frantic call from dsd telling me dd was in the street going nuts at bf. When I got there I had to drag her off him. Turns out he has been unfaithful three times, including one being a friend. He has also spat in her face on more than one occasion, pushed her up against a wall and pulled her hair. He hasn't actually smacked her one yet, as far as I know, but you get the feeling it's not far away. Still she throws herself at him.

I don't want her to make the same mistakes I did.

She is also telling everyone that I am putting dsd before her and that is what all the arguing is about whilst glossing over the behaviour that I am pulling her up on.

I feel she is using dsd as an excuse and the real issue with dd is that she doesn't want to hear the word no. Dsd defended me in her row with dd, saying that I didn't deserve the way she spoke to me and that it upsets her. That just enflamed dd more.

Dd can be lovely when she is getting her own way, as soon as I say no to anything she freaks.

Well she didn't come home last night, stayed at a friends without telling me. Facebook does have a use, I can find out where she is without her realising. Kids put all their movements on that bloody site.

WARNING: PART ONE OF AN EXTREMELY LONG POST!

Without benefit of considerably more information, my initial take on this situation is that you're effectively dealing with a triple whammy as far as your dd is concerned.

1. No matter how beneficial leaving dh has been for you and dd, she may be 'grieving' (I use the word in a general sense) the loss of the life she knew so well. That life may have been intolerable for you personally but, as she was centre stage (as it were) between her parents, it may well have been more tolerable for her.

Having left the marital home with dd, it would seem that you didn't have much time together in your new home before dp and, subsequently, dsd moved in with you and, obviously, your spotlight was no longer solely focused on dd.

Your dd may be fully cognisant of the fact that leaving the marital home may have been your only option, and that it was advantageous for you both.

However, IME, children who live in less than happy family circumstances rarely want to replace their parents; they simply want their existing parent(s) to stop doing whatever is causing distress and for the family unit to live together in fairy-tale harmony.

Your dd may like your dp and also his dsd, but she may also feel resentment towards them because they have supplanted your ex (her father), taken your attention away from her and, as I'm sure you'll be the first to admit, your only child has virtually overnight became one of two and has a new 'daddy/father figure' to boot.

Change on this scale and within the timeframe you have outlined would tax an adult and, given all of the circumstances, it would be remarkable (and possibly undesirable) if your dd had made unprotesting adjustment to her/your new life

1. I do not believe that it is coincidental that your dd has embarked on (presumably) her first sexual relationship at this particular time, but the fact that she appears to have alighted on what you have described as an abusive male may be entirely coincidental.

My guesses would be that, in no particular order, she was looking for solace/consolation outside of her altered family circumstances, that she wanted what she had seen you have with your dp, that she wanted to prove to herself/others that she is an adult in her own right, and/or that she wanted the increase in attention that comes from shocking adults.

The fact that she has also acted out at school suggests that your dd is seriously conflicted. This may indicate that the underlying cause of her unacceptable behaviour could lie with what she perceives to be her lack of power and control over all of the recent changes that have occurred in her life.

1. The third whammy is, of course, the fact that all of these recent changes have taken place in her mid-teenage years.

I supect that had you remained in the marital home it may be that, while she may have paid lip-service to her stricter father, she may have taken her angst out on you especially as it seems that you're something of a permissive walkover as far as she's concerned.

You've described your dd as a bright child who knows what puttons to push, and order to rein her behaviour in you are going to have to grow some and not turn into marshmallow when she is acting out and/or being confrontational.

For the sake of other readers' eyesight, I'll offer up what I hope will be helpful suggestions to ease you into the driving seat in Part 2 later today.

INTERMISSION for further fact finding

Is your daughter's boyfriend at school/working/unemployed. Does he live with his parent(s) and, if you have met him, what was your impression of him prior to your recent discovery?

Izzy, part 1 is brilliant imo. My thoughts are exactly the same as yours, but you've put an amazing amount of effort into clarifying it all :)

I really hope OP reads it properly.

CONTINUED INTERMISSION - unfortunately more info is required.

Did your dd return home today? If so, what has been her general attitude towards you/dp/dsd?

When you were living in the marital home, did dd try to play you off against her father and vice versa? If not, does she engage in this behaviour now?

Was your move from the marital home freely discussed and planned, or was it a covert operation? Are there divorce proceedings/custody issues pending?

Did you meet dp before you left the marital home and did he play a part in your decision to move?

You've described your husband as abusive; was the abuse verbal and/or violent and was it confined solely to yourself?

Do you have any dialogue with your ex?