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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you should only say 'we're going home' if you have the intention of actually going home?

52 replies

MightyQuim · 29/07/2011 20:00

Took dc to 'toddler group' today. Not really a toddler group as it's open to older siblings over the summer.
A boy there about 5 was being particularly spiteful - snatching stuff off toddlers and making them cry just to then throw it on the floor, hitting a 3 yr old with a toy hammer (not a soft one). Throwing a pan so that it nearly hit a baby sat on the floor etc. He was constantly doing stuff like this - I didn't see him play nicely once for the whole hour I was there. His behaviour went mostly unchallenged by his mum except on a few occasions she threatened to take him home - but didn't.
I will get in there first and say that the boy COULD have sn although I think it is vastly more likely that he knew he could behave like that and get no consequence whatsoever.
So AIBU to think you should only threaten what you are prepared to act on and that not doing so creates the type of child described above?

OP posts:
BetsyBoop · 29/07/2011 22:35

YANBU

Don't say something you won't follow through, kids aren't stupid (my DC both learnt that the hard way & KNOW I mean what I say now Grin)

A friend of mine is always moaning about her 8yo always wining & whinging for things, I just bite my lip and nod sagely thinking to myself, well she figured out about 5 years ago that you always go "no, no, no, no, no, no, yes"!!

Henwelly · 29/07/2011 22:46

Maybe she was desperate to get out of the house for an hour with her baby and 5 year old?

YABU as you have no idea how she normally disciplines her child and are judgeing her on one hour in a toddler group.

DontAskMeSums · 29/07/2011 23:05

YANBU
If a parent makes a 'threat' and they don't carry it out, what is that telling the child about them? Ditto for spouses and work colleagues.
It's one of the first rules you learn as a teacher - don't make a threat that you won't carry out.
I have a friend whose threats (all ignored) have escalated almost to the point of 'If you do that again, I'll nuke you'. Kids blithely ignore her. She started telling them that I would tell them off if they did such and such. Shock
I soon put her right on that one!

Original poster
MightyQuim · 30/07/2011 00:10

Henwelly - she may well have been desperate to get out of the house but I don't see why that has to be at the expense of other kids getting hit.

And you're right - I've no idea how she disciplines at home - perhaps she's usually very strict with discipline and just decided to let her son go on an hour long toddler beating rampage for a holiday treat Hmm

OP posts:
yellowsubmarine41 · 30/07/2011 04:18

Why do people take school age kids to toddler groups? Fecking nightmare for all concerned.

Though I do appreciate that with a young baby and a child on school holidays, one might not be feeling that inventive and creative about activities.

Thumbwitch · 30/07/2011 05:10

At the risk of a flaming, is this more of a boy thing? Only asking because one of our mums at playgroup on Tuesday had to bring her 6yo DD along as well as her 3yo and baby, and the 6yo played beautifully with all the younger children.
She was the only older child there, so maybe that makes a difference.

Or maybe it's just because that particular Mum always follows through on her threats, who knows.

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/07/2011 07:25

I don't think its a boy thing - my eldest wouldn't have done this when he was 5. But the child was probably annoyed and bored at being with 'babies' and so misbehaved and there weren't any sanctions.

I do wish people wouldn't say 'its a boy thing' - golly - you get really flamed if you say 'its a girl thing'.

Thumbwitch · 30/07/2011 07:28

well I have a DS so it's something to look out for if it does tend to be more likely that boys would get that bored they start playing up. Just asking anyway, not saying it is.

shitmagnet · 30/07/2011 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 30/07/2011 07:32

Thanks shitmagnet - you're probably right. My DS is 3.8 and more likely to be on the receiving end of anything at the moment but things could change, I suppose!

Henwelly · 30/07/2011 10:08

Toddler beating rampage Hmm

It never fails to amaze me how some parents are so completely intolerant of small children (he is still small at 5) that they feel it necessary to judge - after one hour off witnessing their behaviour.

Maybe this was not like him and his mother was a little Confused and thought he would settle - everyones entitled to an off day hour even children.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2011 10:18

Oh FFS stop missing the point Henwelly the Op was not criticising anything other than someone threatening something and not carrying it through. I find it annoying sitting next to someone who repeatedly allows their DC to hurt/annoy/etc my DC and who offers no consequence.
Don't threaten an action you are not prepared to carry out.

AuntieMonica · 30/07/2011 10:23

to take this thread off on a slight tangent, to those posters who threaten and then carry out their threat, do you find it works?

DD is 4yrs old and i have always tried extremely hard to keep to my promises (for the better as well as the bad) and find it has no effect whatsoever!

Henwelly · 30/07/2011 10:24

Which is fine if this child was often at the toddler group and this happened everytime - the example the OP used was for 1 hour which I do think is unreasonable.

EdithWeston · 30/07/2011 10:26

I agree with hobnobsaremyfave - the issue here isn't this specific incident so much as the problems you are storing up if you do not carry through promised consequences. It's no different from saying to DH "I shall only wash things in the laundry basket. If you can't out your pants in there, you can go to work commando". If you then keep picking them up from random places and washing them, will he change his ways? And will he believe you will do what you say on the next issue that comes up?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2011 10:27

Surely it's about being consistent , fair and trustworthy to your children. As an adult I get annoyed and mistrust other adults who don't say what they mean and mean what they say. As a parent I feel that my DC's know that I can be trusted with good things and bad (treats and consequences for poor behaviour) that I will be good to my word surely that is a good thing for them and offers them a degree of emotional stability.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2011 10:29

AuntieMonica my DS1 is 13 and at 4 really didn't "get it" at all. He now is grasping the concept that when I say no I mean no! Grin

AuntieMonica · 30/07/2011 10:33

sorry, i should have been more clear Blush i mean the threat then actually going home!

i have no problem with saying 'no' to her, and she understands it very well Wink

DontAskMeSums · 30/07/2011 10:35

AuntieMonica
Yes I always carried out any threats I made but I was careful to always threaten things I could carry out IYSWIM.
Once or twice for each child did the trick. Ditto with ignoring tantrums.
However, the little bleeders darlings did find my weak spot - whining.

babybythesea · 30/07/2011 10:36

AuntieMonica - my dd is two. As yet, no, not always! We decided fairly early on that we wouldn't have that many rules but that the ones we set we would stick to like glue. She is a stubborn and persistant little madam, very rarely tantrums but becomes the original immoveable object. ('no, Mummy, I not going to do that. No, I don't like to do it. No.' ad nauseum). We give her two chances - first time we say 'Don't do xyz - it's naughty/not safe/hurts Mummy' or whatever. Next time we say 'You've been told not to do that. If you do it again this will happen'. Final time, we say 'We told you not to do that again. We told you that if you did, we would do...,' and then we do. It might be needing to sit by herself for a few minutes, or having a toy taken off her - but we always follow through once we've said it. She still ignores us a fair bit of the time but she is getting more compliant, now she has realised that the consequence always follows. Giving two warnings gives us time to plan a reasonable consequence before telling her what will happen and telling her in advance means she has time to think about the specifics of it rather than a vague threat! She does still look at us and then blatently carry on - almost daring us to see what we do! But these moments are getting slightly rarer and I feel that we are winning most of the battles now.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2011 10:38

But I don't think it's necessarily about the "threat" whatever that may be. It's about being true to your word so that your kids know they can trust what you say. Long term being true to your word cuts down on a lot of battles as they get older but it also means that they know if they have worries/concerns that I can be trusted to do my best for them. To me it's about trust and respect between me and my DC's.

Kewcumber · 30/07/2011 10:38

Having a clear sanction and then following it up if behaviour continues has always worked for us though it has taken 2 or 3 times for the point to be received loud and clear.

(DS is nearly 6)

Kewcumber · 30/07/2011 10:44

Henwelly - you can come up with whatever scenario you like that you might have imagined was going on, but I can't think of one that would make repeated threats to go home if poor behaviour continues with no follow through when it did a sensible way to manage any 5 yr old.

It isnt ever OK to let your child victimise younger children for an hour or more - even if they have SN, if you are desparate for a break, they are normally well behaved etc etc. You just shouldn't let a 5 year old behave that badly towards smaller children - you wouldn;t let a 9 yr old beahve that way in a group of 5 yr olds and the same should always apply with smaller/younger childrne of any age.

If they are similar ages sizes then I am in the letting them slug it out camp (within reason) but not in any other situation.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 10:56

I agree. If you say there will be a particular consequence for a particular behaviour then you must carry it out.

If you don't, then your child will have no respect for you and will just carry on behaving in the same way, knowing that you don't mean what you say.

re the sn thing - it is even more important to be firm, calm and consistant in the case of, for example, autism (which both my children have).

When they were younger, we left meals half eaten and took them home if their behaviour was unacceptable. We don't need to do that any more because they learned that 'going home' actually meant - going home. right now.

Drives me bonkers when I hear - and it's worse when it's in that mimsy inefectual whiney voice - don't dooooo that, stop that. stop it. don't doooo that, that's not nice. if you do that again we're going home, don't doooo that, if you do that again, we're going home, stop it, don't doooo that, if you do that again, we're going home....

I want to take the parent, shake them and yell "Either take the kid home or SHUT UUUUUUP!!!!!!"

I don't blame a child for being a child. I hold a parent responsible for not being in charge of the situation.

alowVera · 30/07/2011 18:16

On the topic of going home threats. Was at park today, heard a mum say to DC, "if you carry on we will go home" DC carried on, and mum packed up DCs and left the park with them.
I just wanted to say, a lot of mums do follow through with this threat.