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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you be upset/annoyed at this

13 replies

juicy07 · 28/07/2011 18:49

AIBU??!!

OK, so Ill get tsraight to the point. Me and my b/f have never had much of a sex life from day one. We were 6/8 months into the relationship before we first had sex, this was due to him having difficulties in getting an erection. Since then we have had issues with him loosing his erection during intercourse or sometimes still not being able to get a full erection. He has been to the Docs who have told him that medically there is nothing wrong with him. His own explanations for this range from Im nervous/ I just get so worked up about pleaseing you / or sometimes he says he isnt that sexual/doesnt think about sex very much.

Whilst Im not particularly satisfied with the lack of sex Ive kind of accepted that we are never going to have an amazing sex life and have almost got used to the idea because in all other aspects I really do love him very much.

On the occasions that we do have sex (perhaps once a month) it is very routine, lasts a few minutes, and is very wham bam thankyou mam. I go along with this because it is better than nothing.

However, I want to know if I am being unreasonable about the following. I woke up this morning to find my b/f lieing next to me masturbating over photos (I dont know what of) on his Iphone. I turned round and asked him to stop it and he said he wasnt masturbating rather he was just playing with himself and that he wasnt looking at rude pictures, rather he was reading the news....

However Im pretty sure he was masterbating. I could here that sqelching noise for one thing. And he switched his phone off straight away. I got up and got out of bed and havent spoken to him much all day. I did mention it in the car but he just shrugged it off and says he was doing no such thing. However he can see how upset I am over this and doesnt seem too bothered and isnt protesting his innocense too much.

Am I being unreasonable to be soo upset over this? My b/f isnt interested in having sex with me but will happily masterbate over photos on his phone whilst Im asleep next to him? He obviously does have an interest in sex but perhaps just not with me? What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 28/07/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awomancalledhorse · 28/07/2011 19:00

YABU (but not very much)
It's nothing personal (an ex of mine had similar trouble).

He just has trouble performing with you, he could be psyching himself out/worried that you're worried about him performing so fails to 'rise' to the occasion.

Have you tried spending time on foreplay/helping him & you to relax into sex?
What worked for my ex & I was spending a few weeks not having full sex & just spending the nights kissing/touching each other...it helped him to relax and stopped him panicking everytime I went near him & it helped me to remember there are other ways he could entertain me without sticking his penis in me.
The other thing to do, is talk about it, not when you're going to bed...but at a time where neither of you will feel the pressure, have a coffee & just talk, positively about the relationship & think about different ways you can satisfy each other.
Whilst he's feeling the pressure to perform...it won't happen.

Also; wanking & sex are two very, very different things & unless he started wanking excessively it's not worth comparing the two.

letsblowthistacostand · 28/07/2011 19:12

TBH I would say he doesn't fancy you that much. Is the relationship so good that you can put up with the lack of sex?

joric · 28/07/2011 19:31

Can he be cold towards you generally ? Or do you think that he is embarrassed about this morning?
You could tell him that you know you are not mistaken and ask him outright whether or not he is happy with you as it sounds like you are unsure. Be forthright with him as this is obviously making you feel insecure.

BertyBurlington · 28/07/2011 19:33

masterbation makes no demands on him, he doesnt have to perform, there is no pressure

joric · 28/07/2011 19:33

Not as simple as that IMO letsblowthistacostand

joric · 28/07/2011 19:34

Agree with Berty

supadupapupascupa · 28/07/2011 19:38

yabu. i would suggest you encourage him to masterbate tbh. Why were you upset? I think it was a good thing that he felt comfortable enough to do this infront of you and should be encouraged. Have you tried mutual masterbation?
It's nothing to be ashamed of.....

BluddyMoFo · 28/07/2011 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

juicy07 · 28/07/2011 19:46

Thanks for your replies everyone....

Well I suppose yes I would say the relationship is that good that I can put up with the lack of sex. He is an amazing guy in all other respects. Incredibly kind and generous, always saying he loves, me does anything at all I ask of him even if it means really going out of his way. I couldnt ask for anything else at all other than more and more passionate sex!

He isnt generally cold/shrugging offish no. Thats what makes me think that yes he is kinda embarassed about it, or thinking 'oh no ive been caught shes going to go mad'. Usually if he knows im upset about something he will really go out of his way to make it up to me. But this time he quite obviously does not want to discuss it. He's almost ignoring the fact Im upset and trying to act as though the whole thing never happened or that I havent mentioned it and that Im not upset/being off with him.

As regards to the talking about it...we hve definatley spoken about it although not much recently. Ive tried lots of things to help....making the room really romantic (candles and flowers etc) trying to instigate some kind of roll play kind of thing, dressing up, toys...but it doesnt help much.

Ill try your suggestions about not leading up to sex though, thankyou for that.

OP posts:

G1nger · 28/07/2011 19:57

I think there are two separate issues here: your inadequate sex life together; and the fact that he, like the rest of the world, likes to masturbate. Only one of these is something you need to concern yourself with.

feckwit · 28/07/2011 20:11

I agree with many of the others but think also this could be the way to spice things up? Have you suggested you look at things together that he finds a turn on and masturbate separately but alongside one another? It might be a way in to ease the pressure and get things going...

NestaFiesta · 28/07/2011 21:13

I'm sorry OP but this is ringing bells with me. This is like a previous relationship I had. In the end it got embarrassing how little he wanted sex with me. He was quite happy to send pics of his stiffie to his male bezzie mate though and have an emotional internet affair with some guy from the states.

We broke up and it took me about five years to feel attractive again.

Not saying this is the case here, but I wish I'd left earlier with my confidence and dignity intact instead of flogging a dead horse and having my hopes dashed.

YANBU by the way.

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