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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Assaulted on the bus yesterday and hurt by friends comment - should I say something?

21 replies

Notalone · 28/07/2011 11:42

Was sat on the top deck of the bus yesterday minding my own business. I was sat near the back and turned round to glance out of the back window. After I turned back around I heard a woman sat right at the back screaming "You effing Cnt - looking at me were you? Effing cnt" I didn't even turn around because I thought she couldn't possibly have been talking to me. Sadly she was because next thing I knew she had appeared next to me and smacked me across the face. She was drunk, had young kids with her and her partner sat there smirking. I wasn't physically hurt but very upset and shaken obviously. I got off the bus at the next stop which luckily was my stop anyway and was taken in by a lovely lady who called the police for me, after which I later made a statement.

Fast forward a couple of hours later one of my oldest friends texts me about meeting next week. I texted her back saying it would be lovely to see her because I had had a really awful day and explained what had happenned. She replied in these exact words "How did you manage that?!!!!!" I replied saying it was unprovoked and actually really awful whereas she sent one back saying, again exact words "Lucky DS didn't see". No OMG - are you ok? Do you want to talk, hope you are alright. She didn't ask...not once. I know she is v busy with 2 young DD's but my god. A bit of empathy and consideration wouldn't go amiss. I am seeing her next week and am wondering if I should say anything and what I should say. We have never fallen out or had a cross word but I am so unbelievably hurt by this. The random stranger who took me into her house showed me more compassion than my "friend"of 19 years.

OP posts:

BertyBurlington · 28/07/2011 11:47

aw that sounds horrible for you, hope they get the horrible cow on the bus :(

wellwisher · 28/07/2011 11:49

Sorry this happened to you.

However, EVERYONE who posts an AIBU issue that hangs on misunderstanding/hurt feelings after a communicating by text is automatically unreasonable. If you want your friend to empathise with you, ring her and tell her how awful your experience was.

Allinabinbag · 28/07/2011 11:52

To me, that illustrates why texts are horrid to deliver bad news, you can't hear the tone of the person and see how upset they are- had you talked with her on the phone, it would have been very different. She has heard it more as a 'you will never guess what happened' story and responded wrongly.

I'm sorry this happened to you, I have been verbally abused on a bus and had to get off, buses are like that sometimes. I hope they find her and prosecute her for that, how incredibly random and upsetting for you.

Phone your friend and say 'actually I'm really upset'. Stop texting bad news, I never know what text back would be appropriate when someone tells you something awful by text (I've receieved some corkers) and I always call them to see how things are.

Original poster

Notalone · 28/07/2011 11:56

Yes I agree. Texing bad news is probably a stupid thing to do.
Like emails they are very easy to be misconstrued or taken wrongly. She is very hard to get hold of though and texting is the usual way we communicate before meeting. I will gauge her reaction again next week and if she is still blase about it then I think I will need to say something. We come from different worlds now I think though. I remember a few years ago being properly skint that and worried about meeting the mortgage. She told me that she as unbelievably skint too because she couldn't afford to go skiing that year

OP posts:

pointydog · 28/07/2011 11:56

Do not judge on text alone. Wait till you see her.

nenevomito · 28/07/2011 12:00

A text message doesn't exactly convey how badly you were upset. If it was so bad you needed her support, you could have called her?

DoMeDon · 28/07/2011 12:14

YANBU - I disagree about the text thing. Depends on how you usually communicate. I have a friend who doesn't 'do' phone calls - all our chats are via text - even the awful ones.

I think your freind responded badly - 'how did you manage that?' implies you did something wrong. Unless she misunderstood and thought you got into a row, but even so there's nothing that would justify the slap.

Poor you- there are some horrid people out there. At least you don;t have to live with her - feel sad for her DC witnessing her behavouir.

thisfantasticvoyage · 28/07/2011 12:25

YANBU. Your 'friend' should have rung to see how you were, end of. It's a pretty poor show on her behalf however you look at it.

Original poster

Notalone · 28/07/2011 12:25

Thanks Domedon - that is the way I took it. Especially with all the exclamation marks. She knows I am one of the least argumentative people ever so its not even like this is normal for me.

She was truly awful. Even if I was looking at her, which I wasn't, nothing justifed that. Her poor kids growing up with a "mother" like that. Great example she was setting. The worse thing is that the CCTV on the bus was likely just there for show and not switched on so she has probably got away with it scott free and will probably do it again to someone else some time soon

OP posts:

Original poster

Notalone · 28/07/2011 12:28

Thanks the fantastic voyage. That is exactly what I would have done if it had been her. I know she is really busy but even a 3 minute rushed phone call would have been ok. At least it would have shown that she cared.

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 28/07/2011 13:06

YANBU to be upset about this incident, but if you wanted to speak to your friend, you could have called her, or asked her to call you. Don't expect people to read your mind, or you're likely to be disappointed.

Original poster

Notalone · 28/07/2011 13:27

The thing is though Zillion is if your friend had been assaulted it doesn't take a lot of common sense to realise it was probably very traumatic, especially if the police were involved. I don't think it needs a mind reader to realise an "are you ok" or some level of concern is apt. I doubt very much she would have been so blase had it been her

OP posts:

Meita · 28/07/2011 14:11

I don't know... you give her exact words, but not yours, so it's hard to say how easy/hard it would have been for her to misunderstand yours.
Text messages are so easy to 'not quite get'. Even if they seem to be crystal clear to the sender.

Even if your message unmistakably got across that you had an upsetting experience AND that you were looking for empathy (which is not always the case you know - some people are looking for someone to help them shrug something off, or to make light of something, when they convey something that happened to them) - even then, her replies could be interpreted differently than you did. 'How did you manage that?' And all the exclamation marks, could be interpreted to say that what happened is very unexpected, highly unusual, not in character. It also solicits more information. Ergo it shows that she does care, and is asking if you want to talk more about it.
'Lucky DS didn't see' could be interpreted as her, seeing how bad it all is, looking for any good part of it. Recognising how bad it was - if it wasn't bad, why would it be good that DS didn't see? At least that, she is saying. Trying, perhaps, to help you get through this/over it, by focusing on the good bit and bringing your attention back to your DS. Not saying that's what she meant, just saying it might have been.

Anyway, I don't think she will necessarily bring it up when you meet. If a) she didn't realise how distressed you were, how should she have realised meanwhile if you don't tell her? If b) she was trying to convey empathy and all, how should she know you misinterpreted her texts/didn't feel she showed enough empathy, if you don't tell her? Only if c) she really, really didn't have time, didn't feel capable at the moment to respond more at length, despite feeling she should have, only then would I expect her to bring it up 'Oh btw I'm so sorry I couldn't call last week when that thing happened in the bus, it sounded horrible, how are you now?'

Btw I'm really sorry about what happened to you. It can be very distressing to be assaulted, it kind of makes you lose your ground from under your feet. It's something that you just don't expect to happen, and when it does, it makes you question your assumptions about everything. Hope you're dealing with it ok. But really, texts are not the best way to convey feeling upset about something.

ThePopsicleKat · 28/07/2011 14:14

I agree Notalone. Text or not, this seems like something that would be very difficult to misconstrue as trivial, and I'm amazed she didn't at the least add an 'are you ok?' onto the end of her reply. That's not expecting too much, surely. Some people find it easier to talk about things via text or email, especially if you know the recipient is busy and don't want to be too intrusive.

Hope you ARE okay OP, what a horrible, unprovoked incident. I agree though that it wouldn't be a bad idea to take the initiative to phone her and tell her how you feel about it all.

thisfantasticvoyage · 28/07/2011 14:33

At the risk of sounding like a DM reader, I wouldnt hold your breath even if the CCTV was working OP. Possibly a fine which she wont be able to afford to pay, tops.

Ryma · 28/07/2011 16:08

So sorry about what happened to you, are OK now?

Original poster

Notalone · 28/07/2011 18:33

I told her how awful it was - I even used the words awful and scary. I guess I will just wait and see what she says when I see her next week.

I don't expect anything will happen even if the CCTV was working, I would need to go to court for that according to the policeman I spoke to and because I wasn't actually physically hurt there will probably be no point. However I don't want her to do the same again to anyone else because she was really nasty.

I am ok today thanks. I still feel a little shaken and a bit angry too now that someone actually thinks it is ok to behave like that and in front of kids.

OP posts:

Ryma · 29/07/2011 10:34

I so am glad that you much better today!:)

hester · 29/07/2011 10:47

Just to say I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible thing to go through.

kiwimumof2boys · 29/07/2011 11:56

What a horrible experience, hope you're better now.
Yeah maybe ring/email your friend ? or wait til you see her in person.
What also made me sad was that this horrible woman on the bus had kids with her ! setting a really great example. Not.

bubblesincoffee · 29/07/2011 12:10

You are understandably being oversensitive.

I think texts always come with a presumtion that the sender is ok, after all if it were really bad news, they would phone.

As for the thing about being skint, I have recently had this with a friend of mine. It drives me mental when she comlains about being skint, but then spends £150 on a new coffee machine. I on the other hand am worrying about affording a whole new set of secondary school uniform, and am seriously having to save to be able to do it. So I talked to her about it, and a few other friends who were there at the time ended up joining in. I realised that 'skint' actually means very different things to different people, and it's all relative. Your friend probably does feel like she is skint if she can't do something that she usually does. My friend did agree to stop saying she was skint though, unless she really really was!

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