To think that you cannot possibly use a leaflet with a typo and a spelling mistake in it

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Especially when that it reads

"By using our services and adjusting your operations accordingly, you dramatically reduce your overall fuel consumption and your company's carbon footprint, while running and more efficient organisation and benefitting from larger profit margins"

??

People would laugh their bloody heads off, right?

Your reply will enable me to shut my boss/husband up.

I don't think that many people will really care, can't see them laughing.

Having said that I wouldn't use it unless there were 1000s printed and they cost a fortune.

What about
Compelling Environmental Benefits (or just Environmental Benefits?)
By using our services to identify where changes can be made, you can significantly reduce your overall fuel consumption and carbon footprint, saving money and increasing efficiency

Even though this wasn't my AIBU I am now totally convinced that it's shit.

___

I'm not sure how much companies really care about their carbon footprint right now, it's all about saving money. (btw how will it help increase efficiency to company owners)? I've bolded the parts that you are the benefits to the company which is where you need to focus.

Write it with the thing in your mind is a customer saying "what's in this for me?" and start with that.

I agree with Mitmoo about focusing on benefits, but in my experience, everyone says that they're going to save you money, so you need to make it very clear to me, as the reader, how exactly I'm going to save money with your product.

Alternatively, you could always go more chatty and discursive in your letter to businesses, rather than focusing on the hard sell. I've never tried this myself, but it's supposed to work surprisingly well, and I have to admit that it worked on me recently - I am now on the verge of ordering a large box of organic lamb because I got a chatty newsletter from a local farm talking about what was going on there. You could, for example, talk about how energy prices are rising, its hard to get your employees to take wasting electricity seriously, and we're always being nagged about reducing our carbon footprint. You might even manage to make it funny, so that someone picks it up and keeps reading because they're interested.

e.g. Ever since electricity prices went up again, it's like the Blitz in our house. "Turn that light out," I scream up the stairs, sounding like a demented air-raid warden spotting a light in the blackout. "Do you think we're made of money?" "Chill, mum," comes back the answer from my teenager, shuffling out of the bathroom and turning on her hairdryer full blast. It's the same in the office. Lights left on, printers humming, air-con whirring...

if i got this at our business it would go straight in the bin
the wording, regardless of the spelling mistakes, comes across as total twattery
do you not think that we cannot work this sort of thing out for ourselves and save your fees

I think you can't buy a tracking unit and monitor it yourselves without having access to our server, no. I think you can't accesss the useage reports yourself, no. I think you can't set geo-fencing alerts and unauthorised use alarms and SMS tamper alerts, no. I think you can't sit at the internet and look at a screen and see all your vehicles moving on a map, no etc etc etc.

But yes, I have already agreed that the wording needs to be simplified.

Your boss needs to go on a Plain English course! I hate corporatese.

What's the thing that distinguishes your company from the rivals, Bathykolpian? For example, DH's company (in a not dissimilar line of work to yours) sees that their distinguishing feature is that they are honest, experienced and straight talking. So all the corporate marketing has to have the appropriate voice. Do you have something similar?

I would think that good case studies would really be the most convincing piece of marketing.

This reminds me of the leaflets that come through my door requesting that I leave old clothes etc. in a bag for collection. Always have loads of spelling mistakes and makes me think that they must be a real dodgy setup.

You need a number.

How much can they cut their fuel bills by?

I once read a proposed leaflet for a group I'm in and it was awful. The grammar was appalling and it did not read well, total gobbledegook most of it. But they said I was pedantic and put it out anyway. Now they are whinging that people don't follow what is in the leaflet. They won't, they need an interpreter to understand it!