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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU thinking my mum doing this all the time isnt normal?

17 replies

ilovedora27 · 28/07/2011 11:30

Has anyone else got a mum who is lovely in lots of ways but always seems to say the opposite and just seems to do it to be awkward.

Say I said I was painting the bedroom at the weekend lemon and then your mum saying well you should keep it neutral, I wouldnt like it if I came in to buy your place and it was that colour (Its not up for sale) Its up to you though.... then saying other things and saying its your place its up to you though...

Same would go for doing the place up, clothes, cars, jobs, having kids etc. Say if I say I am doing something or planning on something it feels like she plants seeds of doubt about it. Sometimes I think its because she is trying to be helpful then I just wonder if she is doing it so she has some input in to everything. Then later if I ask advice about the same stuff as she has made me doubt myself like ' do you think I should do this/buy this/apply for this' and she will say 'look its up to you, you have to live your own life' and seem short tempered about it

Another would be ringing me and saying your not doing anything then your going to be bored. Then me saying yeah I am doing something I have to clean the place and then go to soft play and then her saying Dont do all that you will be too tired (Im pregnant)

I am talking about practically every decision though like me saying I am getting married in Oct 2 years away her agreeing thats fine, then meeting me for lunch and saying move it It seems a bit petty written down I suppose but do forward a year I give you the blessing. Then booking the room for honeymoon for me, coming to wedding fairs etc and the ringing me one night when I was working away saying I dont think you should marry now then and making me cry and pulling out a few months befre. I went ad got married anyway and then told her a couple of weekd before then she said ok and gave me 500 spending money Confused

Sorry its long!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovedora27 · 28/07/2011 11:31

Sorry line near end bit confused she told me to move it forward by a year

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 28/07/2011 11:34

We'd call her a contrary Mary in this house Grin

She sounds challenging bloody hard work and annoying Wink

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2011 11:40

Have confidence in your decisions.

Her advice isn't advice, she wants you to do what she tells you to.
Stop looking for her approval.
Sometimes we have to accept that our mothers aren't the people that we once thought they were and they don't give us the respect that we deserve as adults.
Accept that she isn't constructive or helpful.

Pootles2010 · 28/07/2011 11:41

My mil does this all the time. I have to admit i've started doing it to her to wind her up :o

ragged · 28/07/2011 11:47

That could drive me mad, too.
I don't think she means any harm by it, sounds like she's just thinking out loud too much. You need to let her know that it makes you feel undermined and please not to discuss your decisions so much, pls. only express her "thoughts" if she is very deeply concerned.

Original poster
ilovedora27 · 28/07/2011 11:49

Her mum was a horrible person and now she is in a home my mum runs round after her even though my nan was horrible to her her whole life. They would see each other but she was never loving or caring to anyone really. Whereas my mum is nice to me she always looks after my DD, buys me things, takes me nice places etc and she does help me in a lot of ways. However I have had the feeling my whole life that whatever I am doing isnt 'right'.

I think she must have learnt it from her mum and I dont even know if she knows she is doing it. If you say to her though she always acts like its me being a 'drama queen', and I am accused of being emotional. Then next time I speak to her she is acting normal again and might say completely the opposite and usually being overhelpful!

OP posts:
Pootles2010 · 28/07/2011 12:08

Is she quite indecisive in her own life op?

It sounds like her mum may have made her terrified of making the 'wrong decision' iyswim?

Original poster
ilovedora27 · 28/07/2011 12:16

Oh no doubt it everything she has ever done is amazing I think. I am getting told all the time of the responsibility she had at 23 in her job and all the things she did. I have never once heard her say sorry I dont think for any arguement/disagreement ever she just acts like everything is normal when you see her next or wake up the next day when I was a kid. I didnt think it was possible for my mum to make mistakes till recently. She has been with my dad 14 and is in charge of us all I suppose. It can often by good but sometimes it can be stifiling.

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 28/07/2011 12:18

she sounds like my Grandma (who seems to live to be contraversial and contrary) I just try to ignore her now as she is lovely in every other way...

Original poster
ilovedora27 · 28/07/2011 12:24

I think I just need to not take it to heart but I suppose I just want to please her and dont think I will ever get good enough. I suppose she has made me doubt myself in so many ways that I become reliant on her and then that annoys her. She used to let herself in our flat when we were newly weds and make us get up shouting 'get up this place is a mess' etc. She doesnt do this anymore but sometimes I feel as if she owns me. That has helped me a lot so I am grateful but then I think about things another way and think does it hold me back? Thanks for your posts though

OP posts:
globex · 28/07/2011 12:29

Mine is similar - to the point where I never quite feel that I'm doing the right thing even though I'm miles away from her and old enough to know my own mind!

It's a shame for her (I guess) because I simply gave up telling her anything about my life..

AppleyEverAfter · 28/07/2011 12:38

Like Birds said, just be confident and before you tell her anything, expect to have to justify your actions. Then if she doesn't challenge you, you'll be pleasantly surprised! And if it gets too much, tell her thanks for her opinions but if she carries on being negative you'll have to stop sharing so much with her. Hopefully that will make her back off a bit. I'm sure she just wants the best for you, like many annoying well-meaning parent.

Insomnia11 · 28/07/2011 12:43

My mum isn't like that- everything I do is 'wonderful'. My dad's the one who questions everything.

To illustrate: when I got my degree (neither went to university):

Mum: Wow, that's fantastic! Erm, what does 2:1 mean again?

Dad: Is that the top mark you could get?

Me: ^^ No dad, 1st is the top.

Dad: Then why didn't you get a first?

Hmm
Animol · 28/07/2011 12:44

sounds just like my mil :(
I try to ignore while keeping civil but it's not easy

Insomnia11 · 28/07/2011 12:47

At least my mum tells him off on my behalf. Eternal pessimist I think. He is lovely in lots of ways I should add, but only recently I realised how critical he is. With everyone though, not just me.

PenguinPatter · 28/07/2011 12:59

The correct response is - well we/I like it or think it is perfect.

Only thing that works with my parents - works with MIL as well who it seems to wrong foot though it may be only a matter of before she has a rejoining put down remark to offer.

TBH with my parents they seem shocked we make decisions without them with no great debate. Has come to my attention recently that they are struggling to make any decisions in their own lives or home. Perhaps your mum is the same?

PenguinPatter · 28/07/2011 13:01

AppleyEverAfter
Like Birds said, just be confident and before you tell her anything, expect to have to justify your actions

I find it is bad strategy to justify actions - puts you on the back foot and imply you have done something wrong in first place. Sometimes I do find I end up doing it any way though Sad.

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