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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I did wrong?

53 replies

Elemis · 26/07/2011 21:26

why does my child not listen?
Why does he run away?
Why does he whinge at every turn, for the most bizarre things that you couldn't possible imagine?
Why am I the mother who has to stay right behind him because he can't be trusted, to run off, to walk by the swimming pool, to walk in the car park.
Why could I never shop with him in the pram? I see loads of mums shopping happily with little ones in the pram or the shopping trolley. I see loads of mums with toddlers happily trotting beside them. I see loads of children happily sweetly singing as they get dressed for swimming,
Why does mine struggle and squirm and run and skid and jump up and down on the scales and hide in the lockers.
Why does he resist everything, constantly?
And why does he take over an hour to go to sleep?

And then otoh, why is he so utterly adorable, and lol funny and affectionate with kisses and hugs by the minute? Why does he make my heart skip a beat when I just look at him?

OP posts:
Blindcavesalamander · 27/07/2011 07:27

Oh God I love this thread. It is exactly what I need to give me hope.... my 10 year old DD has always been intense, impulsive, moody and CHALLENGING. Her school reports are great as she is so sensible and calm there, so I know she CAN be good, but at home we are walking a constant tight rope. (She can also be loving, affectionate, funny, and perceptive though). She has begun puberty rather early and I have joked with her (with loving hope in my heart) that perhaps she'll be like Harry Enfield's classic Kevin, only the other way round as she's already been grumpy and difficult, and she'll suddenly become calm and sweet! Luckily she found it funny too.

Meglet · 27/07/2011 07:56

Both my DS's are spirited little souls. Although I think passers by can read the stress on my face as they usually tick the children off or help distract the kids. I think they're just relieved they're not their own children.

They're better at nursery, but they would be, there's loads to do and more adults. When its just me and them they jolly well know I'm out-numbered and play up to it.

Catsu · 27/07/2011 08:09

I think many children are like this!
Also agree with bubblesincoffee though that if you have an instinct it could be something else then do bear that in mind.
Ds1 was exactly like you describe. He was diagnosed with mild aspergers too. He's now 6 and a LOT calmer. Starting school has been the making of him (we found a fantastic one that suits him perfectly)
ds2 on the other hand is one of the angelic children you see sitting nicely in cafes and walking round the shops holding hands!

Shodan · 27/07/2011 08:14

"If you have a nightmare toddler you have a delightful teenager.

FACT - okay not fact"

Absolutely fact. DS1 was a nightmare in so many ways (although extremely caring and affectionate)- one day at age six (ish) he decided to pull down his pants and start peeing in the street ( to give just one e.g).

He's 15 now and lovely. Ok so the odd rolling of eyes and strops but they don't last long and always followed by an apology and a 'Love you, mum' in a growly/squeaky voice. Grin

Love 'im.

namechangebereaved · 27/07/2011 08:20

Behaviour in public doesn't always translate to behaviour in private!

My two look like angels 90% of the time that we are out in public, particularly if they are around people that they don't know very well. If only that translated into good behaviour at home too, I would have significantly less grey hairs. :)

springydaffs · 27/07/2011 08:52

ah right, so that's what's going on with my kids. Lovely, placid, helpful, kind little ones, horrific challenging young adults.

springydaffs · 27/07/2011 08:54

(please don't anybody post that their kids have been lovely both ends - that would just be crowing and NOT FAIR). Maybe if they are placid both ends they get the strops in their 40s.

marriedinwhite · 27/07/2011 09:04

You have said it yourself - "at pre-school they say he is an angel". You worry about it because you care about him and you have done a proper job. If the export model works and is praised be thankful. Also, try to remember he's only 4 and he simply can't be good and quiet and compliant all the time. A very good and well respected early years teacher once told me that it was the children who did exactly as they were told by their parents and yet misbehaved at school that she worried about. Your boy is secure enough in your love to push you to the boundaries.

Some children just do take an hour to go to sleep by the way.

Well done caring mummy Brew

biddysmama · 27/07/2011 09:36

i have a 29 month old, shes just lke that! dh thinks theres something wrong with her because he thinks that snapshot of other peoples children is how they are all the time Hmm

moonbells · 27/07/2011 09:40

Thanks, marriedinwhite. I have the angel at pre-school and demon at home too. Though he's not quite as bad now we've cracked down on the boundaries and don't let him get away with it!

Georgimama · 27/07/2011 09:43

Agree it is much much better to have children who are polite/kind/well mannered at school/other people's houses and nightmares at home (as DS is, and DB was) but it is awfully wearing.

Georgimama · 27/07/2011 09:44

better than it being the other way round, I mean. Obviously it would be much better if they were polite/kind/well mannered all the time but that's not going to happen.

joric · 27/07/2011 09:52

Oh OP!!! My DD was a dream baby/ toddler/ pre schooler ! As another poster said, she is now coming up to 8 and ....what have we done ?!!!! I am dreading the teenage years!! :( :( !!!!!

joric · 27/07/2011 09:54

Springy :o !!!

Morloth · 27/07/2011 10:02

Most 4 year olds are a pain in the arse.

My DS1 at 4 was all the lovely things you list and all of the annoying things.

PhoolCat · 27/07/2011 10:02

Typical conversation between DW (Hi Dormouse!) and myself when out amongst other people's kids:

"Daww look at the cute little babby"
"Yeah it's.. wait, what is it doing?"
"I dunno, it's eyes are closed and it's not moving, is it dead??"
"No, it's breathing - is that.. is it SLEEPING?"
"They DO that??"

I think most of us are thinking "I remember going through that hell" when seeing a "naughty" (read: normal) child acting out in public and are sympathetic to the parents rather than thinking "What a horrible child! What terrible parents!"

Of course, there are the stuck-up old gits who will think that whatever...

Bumpsadaisie · 27/07/2011 11:03

My DD (just 2) just loves going out of the house, eating out, and doing stuff. Consequently she is always in a good mood in the car and in public she is generally happy excited and well behaved.

She saves her hellish behaviour for when its just me and her at home and she is frustrated and wants to go out!

I bet all the little angels you see are similar ...

Original poster
Elemis · 27/07/2011 13:17

marriedinwhite, you made me a bit teary there!

moonbells, Thanks for linking to that thread, I actually posted on it! Stuff that I had forgotten, just shows that they do move on

Earthymama, I will check out that book, thank you

budgieshell, you're right, It's not the end of the world that he is a bit feisty!

It's very comforting to know that I am not alone.
And if I'm honest I know that, I know that not all children are wonderfully behaved.

DS is not naughty, (i don't think) he is just very wilfull and headstrong and knows what he wants.
I have always thought that part of his problem is that he thinks too much and he cannot slow down, his brain can't slow down, which is why it takes him so long to fall asleep. Again, he is not being naughty at bedtime, he is just tossing and turning and then gets distracted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elemis · 27/07/2011 13:24

bubblesincoffee- thank you for posting. I am a little concerned. I mentioned his "symptoms" to the GP maybe when he was about 2 ½. He dismissed it and said they didn't test for anything until they were older.
I remember when he was about 5 months old, and I knew he was going to be trouble, a handful.

I am more concerned now as I have serious issues with my husband, and I recently read a thread about Aspergers and it was scarily spot on. And I know it's hereditary. So I do have it in the back of my mind

OP posts:
bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 13:37

If you keep it there in the back of your mind, you will be ready to deal with it if it does come up. That's a good thing, I wish I had pushed for a diagnosis sooner than I did.

If your ds is 4 it won't be long till he starts school, and then you will be able to get support from them. The school definately helped me get a diagnosis, but by the time I went in to talk to them about it, they knew full well that he probably has AS and were waiting for me to come and say something!

It really isn't a bad thing if he does have it. It just means he is wired a little differently, and learns things differently. But my ds is awesome just as he is. It's hard to tell where his personality ends and the aspergers begins because the two are so closely linked, but that's just the way he is. And now I have a better understanding of it, I don't have to doubt myself anymore and he and I have both learned ways to make life easier.

Whether it is or it isn't AS, it will get easier Smile

marriedinwhite · 27/07/2011 14:07

I don't think he has Asperger's if pre-school tell you he's an angel - something would have been picked up there. He sounds like an active bright boy to me who doesn't need a huge amount of sleep. We had one like that -and our GP turned round and said "has he got something wrong with him?" Shock. The only thing that was wrong with him was that he was very active and very bright. Got the last laugh though GP's son is in the same year at school and struggles a bit Grin. FWIW I'm also convinced DH's dad had Aspergers - never diagnosed - he was just a bit, well, odd and unsociable. DH and DS are OK though although DH does have anal tendencies but after 20 years I've learnt to tolerate him.

alowVera · 27/07/2011 17:57

In that case I'm going to have to delightful teenagers. :o

Rowgtfc72 · 27/07/2011 18:41

A wise lady at our library group told me in the middle of dd (4) hissy fit that children who are good for everyone else and are nightmares for there mums behave like this because theyre secure enough and feel loved enough to push the boundaries with us without having to worry about consequences.

Allinabinbag · 27/07/2011 18:54

I had the sprinter, the child that is always running away laughing from their mum whilst all the other children are walking nicely by their parents in the shopping centre. I used to think 'how do they do that?' We once went to the beach when she was about 2 1/2, I was just sitting down when she made a run for the water all the way down the beach going straight in with all her clothes on. How the people were entertained that day with the sight of me running after her shouting 'stop stop' and then fishing her out. You do start to feel like a public spectacle.

It did get better for us, about aged 5/6 upwards when she discovered reading. At least now when she doesn't sleep (goes to sleep 9/10pm) she can read. Obviously if you have other concerns, follow them up, but for us, the spirited challenging stage has mellowed, thank goodness.

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 19:21

My ds was an angel at pre school, and as I said, has aspergers. It presents in lots of ways, and even when he was in year 2, everything could have been put down to normal behaviour. They just thought he was very bright because he taught himself to read when he was 4, and that he was just shy and a bit quiet.

All things individually didn't point to AS, it was only when you take all the things into consideration that a clearer picture starts to emerge.

I work in a nursery and we would try to avoid labelling a child at such a young age, unless it was glaringly obvious. But aspergers can be very subtle.