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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be told how much I have to pay for a colleague's birthday gift?

44 replies

kaztigers · 26/07/2011 09:41

At work, we have a collection every time there is somebody's birthday/a member of staff leaves etc; I usually just throw what I can afford at that time into the collection envelope. For a colleague's birthday next week, the person who is organising the collection has already bought the gift and told us how much we all owe each. It's not a devastating sum of money, but it's certainly more than I would normally put in, and I'm resenting being told how much to contribute. Finances are particularly tight at the moment with my DH out of work. The colleague in question also rarely has any time for me!
We're not a huge team at work, so refusing to contribute that amount could cause friction.
I know I can count on fellow Mumsnetters to give me an honest opinion!

OP posts:

EssexGurl · 26/07/2011 13:49

Sorry, doesn't it usually happen the other way around? You do the collection and then buy the gift? I would hate to be told how much to contribute to a work collection. How much I give depends on my financial state of affairs but also my personal feelings for that person. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Also, apart from "big" birthdays or weddings, no office I have ever worked in has done gifts for birthdays. Usually a card will suffice. I always remember one birthday going into work with the usual array of cakes and the deathly silence when the rest of the office remembered it was my birthday. I had worked there for 8 years at the time so not unexpected that it was my birthday. Also it was the day before my bosses 5 year old daughters birthday ....

Original poster

kaztigers · 26/07/2011 17:21

Thanks, I was a bit concerned it was jsut me being a bit over-sensitive because of my personal situation. Knew I could count on you to give me an honest opinion.
Since I posted this message by the way, in addition to the money that's been requested, we've also all been asked to bring in nibbles/drinks for a mid-afternoon tea party for the birthday girl!!

OP posts:

proudfoot · 26/07/2011 18:08

YABVU

If you refuse to pay then the poor sod landed with task of organising the present will end up out of pocket in addition to having the work of sorting everything out.

(FAOD I am not the gift organiser at my work ;) but I am very grateful to the colleague who is!)

Personally I think it is fair if an amount per person is stipulated, as otherwise some people would refuse to contribute if they don't like or know the person well and give more for others, which is a shame for that unknown or unpopular person as it would be obvious when they receive a much cheaper and nastier present.

I see everyone else seems to agree with you though so maybe it's a cultural difference (I am not in the UK)

Treelined · 26/07/2011 18:14

Proudfoot - she bought the present before getting the agreement of the people who she's asked to contribute, OP is not being unreasonable at all! What if she'd bought a £1000 present and asked OP for £100??

LRDTheFeministDragon · 26/07/2011 18:26

proud, wouldn't you feel ashamed to get a gift bought with money got by guilt-tripping people who couldn't afford it? I know I would!

A tenner is such a lot per person - I think this is much more about the organizer getting a silly sense of importance than about giving the person leaving a present that will please (not embarrass) them.

MightyQuim · 26/07/2011 19:29

I've put in a fiver for someone I got on well with in the past and most other people did too. I remember our big boss who is very well paid and was in the same communal office as us all only put a pound in which I thought was stingy!
I would put a tenner in in this situation if I could afford to (whilst bitching about them buying the gift before they had collected the money) but I wouldn't leave myself short.

moonferret · 26/07/2011 19:39

This reminds me of a charity run in memory of someone who had died. The entry fee was a "generous donation". I was a bit miffed that I was being told to be "generous" and hence donate a lot...I didn't do the run in the end!

PuppyMonkey · 26/07/2011 19:41

We are forever getting envelopes cone round where I work. I put a quid in a time ( big office). Sometimes I have been known to pretend to put money in (not for the nice ones, honest).

As for bringing treats in, that's what the birthday girl should do.

Them's the rules in offices.

travailtotravel · 26/07/2011 19:42

OOh, she upped the ante with the need for treats too ... an either or in my book.

MissPenteuth · 26/07/2011 19:45

YANBU at all. I was once informed that we were all putting £50 towards the boss' wedding present (well, not a 'present' as such, she was just given the cash). I didn't feel I could be the only person to give less.

faaaaghinatub · 26/07/2011 19:55

MissPenteuth - holy fucking christ! 50 quid??

That's my weekly food bill, and twice our "treat money" for the month (for non-work clothes, lunch out , whatver)!!

Whoever asked me to get £50 into the envelope would be met with a snort and a "are you serious" from me, I'm afraid. And that's NOW, when I'm feeling much much flusher than we have in years.

MissPenteuth · 26/07/2011 20:14

I was young and lacked the confidence to buck the trend or tell them where to shove it. We didn't have DCs then so we could afford it, but it's the principle that I object to; no one should dictate how much others are going to contribute. That and it was just a ridiculously large amount of money for that sort of thing, imo.

Sleepyspaniel · 27/07/2011 11:14

I mean, who wants a present from work colleagues anyway for a average birthday? (not a "big" birthday or other special occasion such as retirement, that's different). Where I used to work we brought cakes in on our own birthdays but even that wasn't foolproof, there were around 40 staff and the trend was to buy a proper cream cake for everyone, so it could suddenly be £15 or £20 out of your pocket on your birthday, plus there were more than a few who happily took a cake on someone's birthday but never bought them on their own birthday - that was annoying.

I think a few cakey things for immediate team is nice, but not the entire wider office. Either that or bags of donuts or boxes of those mini flapjack type things. Someone brought in a tray bake type cake from Tesco/Sainsbury's that gave around 16 pieces for £3 or so. That was just a nice size to go with a cup of tea

ZillionChocolate · 27/07/2011 11:25

If the birthday organiser is asking you to spend/contribute more than is normal, I'd definitely object. If it was part of the office culture that people get a £10 present for normal birthdays, and £25 for big birthdays/weddings then I wouldn't object to that quite so much if I had opted in. Could you say "but we didn't spend that much on Jane in April and she bought her own cake".

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 27/07/2011 11:28

£25?!?! Who's got that kind of money to spend on a colleague?

echt · 27/07/2011 11:34

It is unutterably vulgar to set a limit for conrtibutions.

I used to a lot of collecting back in the day.

I had an envelope with the names of all the folk in the relevant department of the school on it, and went collecting. I tactfully looked elsewhere while the money went in, than ticked off their name. If they didn't want to give I didn't go back.

If anyone asked me what the going rate was, I said I didn't know, unless it was very senior management, in which case I said a fiver.:o

Once I 'd collected I counted up, went to the leaver, said what I'd got and what they wanted. Sorted. Happy leaver, with a gift they really wanted.

Some twunt once put envelopes in everyone's pigeonhole for a collection, in my opinion to see who gave what. I binned it, but mostly because I detested the one who was leaving. I was repeatedly and loudly asked had I seen the envelope in my tray. I said yes, thanks.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 27/07/2011 11:54

'unutterably vulgar'. Well said, echt! As for putting individual envelopes in pigeonholes and then chasing them up ...

pigletmania · 27/07/2011 13:12

What everybody has said. The collegue was wrong buying a present before collecting all the money first, and expecting people to cough up, how rude. Proud she should have collected first, than bought the present. Her fault and she should therefore foot the difference for being presumptuous.

Acandlelitshadow · 27/07/2011 14:03

Nobody spends my hard earned for me. I'd tell the cheeky mare to swivel and risk the wrath. I reckon it's a racing cert that if you take a stand, others will back you and say the same.

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