to think my friend is being really silly giving up her career?

[headfairy]

Yes, I know it's AIBU so I'm going to get a pounding. I've got my hard hat on.

My friend and I used to work in the same industry. Its very competitive, really hard to get in to, once you're in most people stay because new jobs are rarely advertised externally. Anyway, 4 years ago we both had babies, she took voluntary redundancy and is now a SAHM (she now has had another baby, an 11 month old).

She's not married to her children's father, and has given up any idea of returning to work. Her relationship with the children's father is quite unstable, they argue a lot and she's said lots of times that she doesn't think she loves him. They do seem like chalk and cheese to me.

Anyway, I worry about her if they do break up. I don't know what the rules are as regards to maintenance support. I know the children's father has to pay to support them, but am I right in thinking he has no responsibility to support her? So she's given up a career she won't get back in to. She won't marry her dp, and I think she's really exposed and vulnerable.

Of course I'm not going to say anything to her, not my business. But I do worry about her.

thanks for the replies everyone. She is a very good friend, if she were anything else I wouldn't even worry. But I don't want to upset her either. I know now she's left the industry she spent 15 years in she can't get back in so it's done. But the fact that she has no plan for what next. We've talked about it a lot.

She doesn't feel confident in herself academically to do a college course or something similar, she's not sure what she would do anyway. Of course she could get some kind of job, there's always something around, bar work, cleaning work etc. She doesn't have much family support though so childcare would be tough for her.

cogito as I was typing about their relationship I did think "i know someone will say behind closed doors etc" and that is of course true. They may not be on the brink right now, but they just seem so distant from each other. There's no affection there, and she's a very affectionate person (going by her previous dps) They may not break up next week but I just can't see it lasting the next 40 years. Of course there's plenty of time for her to sort things out later, but she's very vulnerable right now.

Her dp is on the birth certificates, not sure about the mortgage. It probably is because they bought the house with the proceeds of the sale of her previous property.

Happiness in the now is a lovely idea, mousesma. But it doesn't mean that you don't have to be sensible. Everyone has to plan for the future and you can't just stick your head in the sand and think nothing bad will ever happen to you. Obviously I'm not saying that the OP's friend is necessarily doing that but hopefully she has put in place some kinds of arrangement to ensure that she and her DCs will be ok.

generalDreedles that's a very good suggestion... I will do that thanks. I do wonder just how on earth I would even begin to raise the subject.

mousema You're absolutely right of course, I have often been accused of worrying about things that haven't happened yet (mostly by dh :o) and I had a pension when I was 21. Perhaps my parents badgering me about financial security actually got through to me :o

mousema, I could bumble along being happy and living in the Now if I didn't have children.
As it is, mine are adult and late teens now, and it's my silver wedding anniversary soon. Didn't stop me thinking ahead, even though I was sure my marriage was rock-solid all the way. Too risky.

YANBU to worry about her but YABU to call her silly. But you know that.

She made her choice, it wasn't the one you made, and she could potentially end up in a sticky situation because of it - but it was her choice and she probably is glad she made it, even if it doesn't appear to be the right one now.

All you can do now is help her believe in herself and get back into the right head-space (work some headfairy magic, hmm?) to gain the confidence to find something she can do if she wants to.

thumbs Headfairy is only my name, I don't have any actual magic powers :o

Point taken, I will try to be as positive as I can with her and get her to start thinking, in the loosest possible terms, about the future