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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NOT to call DH right now to tell him that his grandmother is dying? Quick - help!

43 replies

TimeHasToldMe · 25/07/2011 13:46

DH is on a trial shift for a fantastic new job. MIL has just called to ask if I call him right now to tell him that his Granny is on her way out (not entirely unexpected, she's 103..)

MIL didn't want to call him herself as he's told her off before for calling him at work. If it was just work I'd call him straight away, but this interview / trial is so important to him I just want to wait for a couple of hours until he's done (3.30pm)

The way I see it, there's nothing he can do right now (they're abroad) and it would only upset him. Is that my decision to make though?

OP posts:

Maryz · 25/07/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lambskin · 25/07/2011 13:57

Sounds like a good idea. It will stop her worrying, she's probably panicking and trying to keep busy/be practical. This will reassure her that she's done all that she can.

2rebecca · 25/07/2011 13:58

I would wait 2 hours, it sounds like an expected death and 2 hours won't make much difference. If she does die in those 2 hours she would have been unconscious and unaware of him if he'd gone earlier anyway. I'd send a text asking him to call you about his granny when he's near the end of his shift.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 25/07/2011 14:05

I'd wait until he gets home, and then talk face to face.
The time won't really make any difference, though as others have said you could try and find out about flights. And reassure MIL that you'll talk to him as soon as he gets home. I wouldn't text or phone personally in this situation.
Good luck to you all.

scarletfingernail · 25/07/2011 14:07

Hmm, Sorry I don't think sending him a text is a good idea, unless you know that it will have no impact on his performance during the interview/trial. If I received a text from DH asking me to call when I get chance when he knows I'm being interviewed I would be worrying to death that it must be an emergency. Surely he will not be able to collect his thoughts and pay attention to the task in hand if he is worrying about what's so urgent.

If this is a fantastic opportunity for a new job then presumably there are other people in the running? Therefore I would not want to hamper his chances by causing him distress in the middle of his trial especially when there's nothing he can do to change the situation. Sorry if that sounds harsh but presumably both his grandmother and mother would not want him to miss out on such a good opportunity and it is not that long until 3.30.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 25/07/2011 14:10

Is his mum expecting him to call granny?

Btw I think you should wait also.

HappyDoll · 25/07/2011 14:13

My parents were on the holiday of a lifetime that they'd saved for years to go on when their good friend died.

He had been an alcoholic for some time and although he was best man at their wedding and they had known him for 40 odd years, their friendship had dwindled through the year and his illness. His death was very sad but not unexpected.

DBro, DSis and I had a meeting to discuss whether or not to ring them. We left it a couple of days but the funeral was arranged for the day before they were due home. We told them in the end, we felt it was their choice what to do, not ours. It was awful. It ruined the holiday and they agreed not to come home anyway.
I really regret calling them.
HTH

Original poster

TimeHasToldMe · 25/07/2011 14:14

I have gone for the little white lie option. Have told MIL that his phone is off but I'll call him on the dot of 3.30pm. It isn't, but I'm hearing what scarlet is saying about putting him off his work.

He's not very close to his family and his Granny has been ill for years. That doesn't mean that he wouldn't be upset and for the sake of two hours it's not worth the risk.

OP posts:

minipie · 25/07/2011 14:15

OP - if the situation was reversed, what would you want your DH to do?

minipie · 25/07/2011 14:16

sorry cross posted. FWIW I think you're right to wait till 3.30 if it won't make any practical difference anyway.

Does MIL know that DH is in a trial shift/interview?

Sirzy · 25/07/2011 14:17

I think you have done the right thing, for the sake of 2 hours it is best to leave him focused on his job.

HappyDoll · 25/07/2011 14:17

OP it sounds as though MIL needs him more than Granny does? She is losing her mum...that's tough.
I'm sure he will be very supportive when he can and even more so knowing he has his dream job.

JsOtherHalf · 25/07/2011 14:18

I think you have done the right thing.

Check flight options, sort out passports, investigate car hire, etc. All these things can be done in the next hour and therefore he'll be there almost as soon anyway.

HappyDoll · 25/07/2011 14:18

Be honest though, you don't need bum-biting later...

azazello · 25/07/2011 14:23

I think you're doing the right thing by waiting. When my gran died, I was doing exams for a professional qualification, my sister was doing finals and my brother was doing A levels. None of us were told how serious it was until our exams were over for the day. My sister was told the day after when her finals had finished.

It was absolutely the right decision. There was nothing we could do and as it was, we could really concentrate on being useful without any other distractions when all the exams had finished.

emmanumber3 · 25/07/2011 14:24

If I have the facts correct, his granny is abroad - she is 103 & has been ill for a while, so her passing must be fairly expected. You say he is not especially close to his family. Given all the circumstances I'd agree with what you've decided - it's now only 1 & a bit hours until 3.30pm - I really cannot see what benefit disturbing his interview will have. I'd imagine he will have to wait a day or two for a flight and/or to arrange leave from his current job anyway?

I'd have a look at flights for him so that you know the best options when he gets home. FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing .

Original poster

TimeHasToldMe · 25/07/2011 14:27

just looked at the time - not really long enough to worry about now, is it? Usually I wouldn't have worried about waiting, but MIL is in a bit of a state and thought that he should know asap, even though she knew he's on a trial. This is not the time for me to pull her up on being unreasonable however, hence white lie.

OP posts:

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 25/07/2011 15:53

THTM - We're all thinking of you as well. Look after yourself too until you see your DH.
I had to tell my DH that his mother was very seriously ill (with terminal cancer) a few years ago, while he was abroad with work. It was very difficult to know what to say.
In the end I just said everything in a very straight-forward way. I felt if it was me I'd want to know how things were.
I think he was coming home the next day anyway, so no change of plans needed.

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