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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say 'no' to 14 year old niece taking my 5 year old out on her own?

47 replies

lollystix · 24/07/2011 22:58

WWYD? 14 year old niece (nice girl plus sensible) wants to take ds(very almost 5) out to the library as she wants to spend time with him (tbh think she wants to meet mates there and show him off a bit). Her mum, my SIL, would drive them there and pick them up. It's a medium sized UK town and library in centre.

I'm not totally sold on the idea. I'm quite laid back, not super precious and both DS and niece sensible BUT I suppose if I'm being honest I feel a but cross because:
A) MIL suggested that niece wanted to do this last week. I said wasn't that keen and she like always can't bear to say no to anyone so I now receive email from niece saying granny says she should check with me. (could granny not have told SIL no so I wasn't put on the spot by niece who I may have to directly disappoint).
B) SIL is super precious about her children. When they were similar age I suggested that we babysit (in her house) whilst she had night out and was flatly refused - knew she didn't trust mr with her kids - so why should I trust mine with her 14 year old. She has Also recently told MIL that she has concerns around niece being in town the other day. So why would you throw a 4 year old into the mix.

Don't want to be seen as bad aunty and don't want to upset niece whose intentions are sweet.

Wwyd?

OP posts:

sims2fan · 25/07/2011 07:45

I would allow it. She's 14, more than old enough to be able to keep her eye on an almost 5 year old for an hour or so. Plus, has she actually said she's going to meet her friends? She might just want to feel 'grown up' and look after him on her own for a while. The only way I would worry about it would be if the little one was naughty and couldn't be trusted to stay with her. If you can tell him to stay with her, and not leave the library until Aunty picks them up, and trust that he will do it, then what exactly could go wrong? They will be in a library, with adult library staff around. He'll enjoy someone thinking everything he does is wonderful, and she'll feel grown up and won't take her eyes off him.

clappyhands · 25/07/2011 08:16

will you DC go with her?

i have a nearly 5 year old and i'm not sure if he would go somewhere with his teenage cousin and he probably see her about once a week at the moment

maypole1 · 25/07/2011 08:26

Personally its the meeting mates bit I don't like I don't know how long any kids really want to spend in the library and would imagine 14 year olds conversation is not very suitable for a 5 year old.

And just say if your five year old started playing up has she the tools to stop him ?

I would say a round no if she wanted to take him to the shop or the park near your home with out mates that sounds ok

diddl · 25/07/2011 08:28

I wouldn´t, on the grounds that she is meeting friends and wanting to "show him off".

debs39 · 25/07/2011 08:30

Cautionary tale for you all...was on holiday with husband 4yrold DS and SD ( 14)...hubby nipped out of aprtment for 10mins and left SD with DS whilst I was at pool...SD never even noticed DS leave apartment when he decided to come and try and find mammy at the pool........needless to say i will never ever ever let SD look after DS...and hubby got a flea in his ear for it too!!!!!! Imagine what could be the worst scenario...would you ever forgive yourself if something went wrong??? Your niece has never cared for your child before, has no experience of it in a safe environment like your own or MIL's home never mind a flaming library with other people around....traffic outisde...etc etc????????? Go with your gut instinct and forget keeping the inlaws sweet xxxxx Make up a fake friend story if necessary and tell my tale if they query things!!!!!

unpa1dcar3r · 25/07/2011 08:30

Depends on the girl. My eldest was great with my 2 boys (who are both SLD too) at that age.
However if you doubt her motives as being not altogether altuistic thenI would maybe suggest an hour at the local park (assuming it's nearer than the library) and see how she gets on there first.

cory · 25/07/2011 08:31

I would trust my 14yo dd to do this efficiently and responsibly, but that is not to say I would trust every 14yo. And it would be because it suited me, not for her entertainment.

wicketkeeper · 25/07/2011 08:33

If this is the first time she's done it, this could be the perfect opportunity to lay down some ground rules so that she understands the enormous responsibility she has. There used to be a book called, I think, something like the Babysitter's Handbook - gave hints and tips for what to do in an emergency, and space to write in contact numbers and so on. Make sure she has all the phone numbers she needs, then ask her what would she do in certain hypothetical situations - what if DS started to feel ill, what if there was a fire, what if no-one came to pick her up at the appointed time, what if she started to feel ill herself. All unlikely to happen - but all possible. If she gives you sensible answers, go for it. If she sees it all as a joke and doesn't 'get' it, say you'll think about it when both niece and DS are a bit older.

MumblingRagDoll · 25/07/2011 08:34

Golly. I used to LOVE taking my neice an nephew out. I was 14 and upwards when I was allowed to walk them a mile to the village to go to the cafe. They were about 4 and 5... We would then go and buy sweets..we all have lovely memories of those times.

Northernlurker · 25/07/2011 08:40

Is he 4 or 5? Not clear from your posts. Anyway I would let her do this - with clear guidelines.

Teachermumof3 · 25/07/2011 08:40

If niece wants to spend time with him, why doesn't she come to your house and do it there? If all goes well, you can get more adventurous!?

Original poster

lollystix · 25/07/2011 08:42

Thanks ladies for your views. He's fairly cautious and she's quite sensible and I hear her friends are too but I've just sent get a message to say he's a bit young and maybe if her mum or gran goes too that would be best. Dh commented like another poster would she have the skills to deal with a tantrum if one occurred. I'm also not sure if he'd freak out a bit as he'd be aware an adult wasn't about (as I say he can be quite cautious). I honestly feel I'd rather let her start taking responsibility in the house. I've never left him to date in the house on his own with her just as situation never arisen. I'd be comfortable with that to be honest before dropping her in a town situation. As I say I know her own mum has only recently started letting her into town and doesn't even like her getting the bus in on her own.

OP posts:

janajos · 25/07/2011 08:45

My 14 yo son babysits for me for my 2 yo and 10 yo. I don't leave them for long, nor go far (the gym for an hour or for a quick drink with DH nearby) but he is very able and I would rather they were with him than a babysitter, the lo is much happier with his big brother tbh.

However, I think home ground is easier to control and I do share your concerns about being out in town; just one minute of inattention and the consequences don't bear thinking about.

cherrypez · 25/07/2011 11:39

I have a 14 year old DD annd also a nearly 5 year old DD. My 14 year old is extremely sensible but I don't know if I would let her take her sister out (although I often leave them alone while I pop to shop) purely because of traffic. However the situation you describe sounds fine.

dollydoops · 25/07/2011 11:49

Aged 16 I took my 6 year old cousin on a day out to London (from Brighton) so took her on train, then got tube to science museum, took her round museum, had lunch in the cafe, got tube and train back! This was pre mobile phones as well! Had a brilliant day together and I felt the reponsibility of what I was doing so was super vigilant all day. As other posters have said, it depends on the 14 year old's level of maturity but I would say this is perfectly ok.

YouDoTheMath · 25/07/2011 11:51

I always go by the philosophy that if you, as the child's mother, feel uncomfortable, then it doesn't happen. It's not up to other people to make those sorts of decisions.

Toobluntforboss · 25/07/2011 11:57

Totally agree with youdothemath - if, as mum, you're not comfortable, then it simply doesn't happen. Your instincts are there for very good reason (and I do also agree with you that your MIL could have avoided you being put in an awkward position in the first place as she was aware of your apprehensions!)

Ephiny · 25/07/2011 11:59

I think it's fine for a sensible 14 year old to babysit. This situation sounds a bit odd though - I just don't quite understand the point of it really. I would think they'd be fine, but just don't see the need for it. If she wants to spend time with your DS why can't she just come round to your house, what's the purpose of taking him to the library?

spudulika · 25/07/2011 12:02

Ahhh, paranoid parenting is alive and well in Britain.

I think the majority of people around the world would be amazed at many of the views expressed on this thread.

Has it ever occurred to anyone that 'gut feelings' sometimes aren't rooted in some sort of deep parenting instinct/wisdom, but are the result of decades of tabloid hysteria about predatory paedophiles and stories about incredibly rare and tragic accidents?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 25/07/2011 12:03

He is a four year old child not a bloomin trophy . If she wants to play show off tell her to take a doll . He is a human being . Be an adult and say NO .

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 25/07/2011 12:12

I wouldn't hesitate to leave my 2 year old DD with DS (almost 15), or my DDs (16 and 17) and do so regularly, completely secure in the knowledge that they wouldn't let anything happen to her. Obviously accidents can and do happen but DDs life would be very bloody boring if I wrapped her up in cotton wool, and they, like me, are not going to put her on a path of danger. However I would NEVER EVER allow my DD to be left with ExP's 17 year old DD even on pain of death. (nor would he for that matter).

DS in particular spends hours in and out of the pool with DD3 whether I am about or not, but I am not from the school of paranoid parenting in any way. He's almost 15 and imo perfectly capable of caring for his little sister - and he loves it.

Totally depends on the child in question, though if you are not comfortable I suppose you shouldn't. Although you say she's sensible, so I wouldn't see the problem. He's 5 (almost) and I would imagine he will not be running around like a 2yo might.

Toobluntforboss · 25/07/2011 12:14

Spudlika- I personally don't care where gut feelings have come from all I know is that as mum, if I'm not 100% happy then it doesn't happen.

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