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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ALL my family are utter, utter CUNTS?

23 replies

ReallyUpsetting · 23/07/2011 23:09

DC4 1st birthday today. No birthday cards/calls from anyone in my family, not even his grandparents and I also have 7 siblings, all married.

They usually don't bother with my DCs and none of them even visited when DS was born (we all live around the UK), we had to go to them. I did fall out with my parents last year over my abusive (family scapegoat) childhood but we started contacting each other again and when I spoke to my mother two weeks ago, she asked me for the date of his birthday, so I can't believe she's forgotten.

Understand I do not want presents or money to be spent (they are all much better off than me anyway), I just want my absolutely, gorgeous, darling little boy's existence acknowledged.

DH is from abroad and his culture does not celebrate birthdays so the DCs have never got anything from them which annoys me greatly as they are living here and I always get something for their DCs.

I just feel so, so sad for my DCs that they only have us to take any notice of them. They are missing out on so much and it causes me so much pain.

They really are cunts of the highest order IMO.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/07/2011 23:11

YANBU at all.

AgentZigzag · 23/07/2011 23:14

YANBU at all to feel for your little lad and want your family to want to know and love him as you do.

I'm sorry you had such a shit time of it when you were small, but your DS has got you and your DH to shield him from them

blackeyedsusan · 23/07/2011 23:15

I would sing happy birthday, but last time I did that the thread was mysteriously quiet for ages, whilst everyone went somewhere quiet to allow their ears to recover

they are not bothered are they. have you got any close friends or neighbours who would be surrogate family?

Happy birthday dc4!

technotronic · 23/07/2011 23:15

You know what, there was a reason for you cutting contact with your family last year. And now you know you were justified in your actions.

It is upsetting but your DC have you, they don't need contact with a toxic extended family. If I were you I wouldn't confront, just not bother with them and quietly drop them again.

Hope DC4 had a lovely 1st birthday.

bourneout · 23/07/2011 23:16

that's such a shame. YANBU, of course. I assume you get cards for their kids? have you told them you expect it to be reciprocated?

changeforthebetter · 23/07/2011 23:18

for what you haven't got but what you have got are DCs and a DH and a chance to build a family together. My family are a bit crap really so I work on forging a little community for us from friends and the odd extended family member who still belongs to the human race . People who care about them, think about them and take an interest in them matter so much more than shared DNA. It sounds like your lot may be just as damaged as mine. Move on, rebuild

scottishmummy · 23/07/2011 23:22

you need to protect yourself,if they are unsavoury limit contact and emotional contact.look after yourself dont seek comfort where it wont be offered

BibiBelle · 23/07/2011 23:22

YANBU My lot didn't acknowledge DD1's 8th birthday a few wks ago, they're ignoring the 3rd Anny of my Mum's death today and I've no doubt they'll be no mention of DD3's birthday next weekend

families can be utter wankers can't they

Happy birthday to your DC4, fingers crossed it was full of ice cream and jelly on your part

AgentZigzag · 23/07/2011 23:33

'dont seek comfort where it wont be offered'

It makes it so much harder when you just want things from your family like care, attention and time, things you didn't think were unreasonable to expect from your family.

You want it to be offered and look for it when it's not, which just doubles the frustration.

Original poster

ReallyUpsetting · 23/07/2011 23:56

I know I should let it go but it's so hard. I think of my DCs and the attention they miss out on by having grandparents, aunts and uncles who actually give a shit.

My mother did such a good job of me being made into the 'black sheep' when we were growing up. It took me over 30 years to decide to not accept being looked upon as a 'head case' by my siblings and confront it but it backfired on me . I never did anything actually 'wrong' like take drugs, drink, teenage pregnancy etc or hurt anyone but they all seem to feel that my poor mother was put through hell by me as teenager. In actual fact, I was a little girl that witnessed terrible DV (from both sides), missed her father after he buggered off when my mother married my stepfather (aged 6, 3rd marriage for her with a squad of kids from each one) and then was pushed out by the additional children of that marriage who were/are blatantly favoured over me.

I know I should say 'fuck em' but knowing they are out there and don't give a shit hurts much more than them not existing at all.

OP posts:

FoundWanting · 24/07/2011 00:04

Happy Birthday DC4. I hope you all had a special day.

My DCs only get remembered (with a token) by one of my 5 siblings. And that's only because I always remember her brats children.

scottishmummy · 24/07/2011 00:31

sorry for your troubles,BUT you need to protect yourself,if they dont care no amount of wishing,hoping,pleading will change them

draw a line.no more pondering what if and why try begin with today and if you do maintain contact what expectation will you set them, and be prepared for let down

seek support and comfort in what you have now. hoping for a better times may not happen.dont set self up for disappointment

sunshinelifeisgood · 24/07/2011 00:35

YRSNBU: I cut contact for 10+ with my "family" and my two dc's did not and still do not receive birthday cards etc. My 2 dc's are no worse for it. I hope dc4 had a great day

shelfy74 · 24/07/2011 01:42

Happy birthday dc4.

My family are also generally cunts. It hurts much more when it's your kids on the recording end of the family shit than it did enduring years of it yourself.

I haven't yet managed to rise above and move on, but I'm trying and I hope you are too.

YANBU

skybluepearl · 24/07/2011 08:34

it's hard but i think you have to just accept that thats the way they are. move on and make your own loving unit from close family and friends. we have a rubbish family too and the turning point for me was when i started to laugh about how useless they are. it's like a long standing joke which i share with my close friends/hubby. we all roll our eyes and laugh about them.

Wecanfixit · 24/07/2011 08:40

Sorry for your upset , but can relate , you sound like you love your wee family so build on that , and really stay away from those ignorant ***, they are only gonna hurt you again, Happy Birthday to your DC!

BallerinaBetty · 24/07/2011 09:38

Happy happy birthday to your DC!!

Hon you sound so much like me. I've only just resumed tentative contact with my family after challenging them over making me the scapegoat and the violence I suffered. But throughout the estrangement my mum did at least acknowledge my dcs birthdays.

My DHs family are another matter. All we had was a message posted on FB wishing them a happy birthday from DHs sister (my children are too young for FB!). No cards, phone calls or anything - as you say its not about presents its just acknowledging their existence. We've just decided we will reciprocate with the FB thing when its nieces birthdays and I'm not going to stress about getting them presents and posting them like I usually do.

I know that its sad and it is really really difficult but I promise you that your dc won't really feel they are missing out because they are surrounded by love from those that count.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 24/07/2011 18:57

Aah that's terrible! Sounds like although you thought things had blown over from last year, your family don't feel the same. What happened exactly?

As for your DHs family, if I were you I wouldn't buy for the kids in his family if they don't celebrate birthdays and so don't buy for yours. It's not about buying to get something back but just about equality.

saladsandwich · 24/07/2011 19:56

yanbu at all. 1 of my brothers has 3 children i use to buy presents for all their birthdays, even looked after them 4 days a week while they worked, comes to my ds's birthday/christmas and he got nothing, i still send their children cards but that is it xx

onebigchocolatemess · 24/07/2011 21:54

all my grandparents had died before I could remember them, and only had one uncle growing up and it never did me any harm [cliche icon]

what they don't know they can't miss, and friends replace 'aunty's' and 'uncle's'

choose them instead

happy birthday DC4!

spiderpig8 · 24/07/2011 21:57

Do you send cards and presents to all your nephews and nieces?

spiderpig8 · 24/07/2011 21:59

He's your gorgeous darling PFB TO YOU.But your parents have had 7 childtren and presumably have lots of grandkids, they probably feel they've been there done that & bought the Tshirt.

snippywoo2 · 24/07/2011 22:18

I think you just need to try and let go of the past and move on. Make your own little family your point of focus and forget and about the rest of them. The most important thing to your kids is that you and your DH love them and from what you have said they are better off not knowing the rest of your relatives anyway tbh. Hope dc4 has had a lovely day.

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