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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

contact between non resident parent and 4 month old - overnight stay????

34 replies

mostlyhappy1234 · 23/07/2011 09:23

hi,

i have a 4month old and the other parent does not live with us and has not yet applied for parental responsibility. i offered to put the name on the birth certificate but parent refused.

there was a fortnightly contact of 6 hours every sunday. other parent now requested overnight stays. I have been brought up to believe that young babies should stay with their main carers (overnight) until they are at least 12 months old.....

would like to hear as many opinions as possible please!!!

OP posts:

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/07/2011 09:26

IMO 4 months is way too young to be away from you overnight.

4madboys · 23/07/2011 09:30

depends tbh, i think you need to build up from the 6hrs before you even consider overnights and it does depend on feeding etc, esp if you co-sleep, bfeed, it may not be possible to do overnight stays?

MamaChocoholic · 23/07/2011 09:36

our ds1 started overnights just after a year. we built it up from his dad coming to our house to us going to him, then leaving ds1 with him for a full day, to overnights. his dad wanted the overnights to start earlier, but I was bf, and ds1 had night feeds. ds1 has a great relationship with his dad, I am glad we worked through a bad relationship between the adults to get that established.

I think at 4 months there is lots of development going on and it's good for a baby to be settled in a routine, recognise their bedroom etc. there is plenty of time to build up to overnights, but I'd want to be confident first that your dc can communicate their needs to nrp.

Sewmuchtodo · 23/07/2011 09:36

It really depends on a lot of factors.

Do you EBF? Co-sleep? Does the dad know the babys routine? Do they have a suitable environment for the baby to stay?

beanlet · 23/07/2011 09:39

4 months is too young for overnight stays without mummy. Especially with an X who has actively refused to acknowlege parenthood.

altinkum · 23/07/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 23/07/2011 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happy2bhomely · 23/07/2011 09:58

Too young in my opinion, but 6 hrs contact a fortnight is nowhere near enough either.

Interestingly, my sis in law says this to her ex partner about their 8 month old, but allows her mum to have baby overnight, which I think is unreasonable. So if you are consistent and it is genuinely in the best interests of your baby then I agree, that 1 yr is much more reasonable.

FabbyChic · 23/07/2011 10:00

I would advise that until they have spent considerably more time with the child overnight contact is not a realistic option.

They should be spending every week with the child from 9 to 6 before on a regular basis before any overnight stays are considered.

FabbyChic · 23/07/2011 10:00

A one year old would find it harder to adjust to suddenly spending a night away from their parent, if you are going to allow it it should be from around 6 months, but the non resident parent has to spend more time WEEKLY with the child first.

ShoutyHamster · 23/07/2011 10:01

FAR too young.

I would say that wanting overnights at all at this stage tells you quite a lot about whose needs the other parent is thinking about here- it certainly isn't the baby's.

The baby is the one who matters. The other parent first needs to build up contact so that they know the baby, baby's routine, and the baby is totally happy with them. If they can commit to that, overnights will come in their own time.

Nice that this parent seems to see no problem with rejecting this baby one minute then demanding their rights the next- I'd be telling then to take a hike until THEY could prove themselves after all the nonsense they seem to have spouted.

edam · 23/07/2011 10:14

Agree with Shouty (and most people) four months is far too young. The father really has no idea about what a baby needs, does he? Being away from you would make your baby very anxious and distressed.

Nice that he wants to be involved - although weird about the birth certificate - but until he has a clue, or is able to put the needs of a vulnerable baby ahead of his own, then it's a big fat NO. He has to wait until your baby is at least one, and then only if your baby has got through the separation anxiety stage.

worraliberty · 23/07/2011 10:28

How do you know the father isn't the OP?

It's all be written with no 'he's' and 'she's'

cantreachmytoes · 23/07/2011 10:55

I'm not sure that the age is even the main issue: if one parent does not want to accept parental responsibility, how can the child be left to stay overnight with them, no matter what their age?

6 hrs/2 weeks isn't a lot of time, as others have said, but then, if you're not wanting to accept parental responsibility, then it's technically like leaving the child with a friend.

Maybe if a parent's name is not on the birth certificate, there is no way to get that adjusted - I don't know the system - but if you do something as huge as rejecting your child at birth and then, only 4 months later decide that you're going to be a good parent, it shouldn't be as simple as clicking your fingers.

The other parent's questions should have been more along the lines of, "I would like to be more involved in the child's life, how can we go about this that would work best for the child". It sounds like the intention was to satisfy a desire (whim?) of this parent, not focusing on the best interests of the child.

Incidentally, if this parent is serious about being involved in the child's life, it's whole life, not just when s/he feels like it, why not suggest getting a formal arrangement set up - at their expense. Presumably that would focus this person's mind a little more on the seriousness and responsibility required of being a parent. It would also put you in a more certain position if the other parent starts missing appointments or extending visits etc in the future.

Good luck!

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/07/2011 11:00

I always find this question strange, why is only one parent good enough for caring for a child overnight but the other note?

For all those saying only a mummy knows what the child needs or the baby is too young to be left overnight I presume you would say the same if the OP was asking if it was ok to leave the child with a sitter to go away for the night? Somehow I doubt it.

bringmesunshine2009 · 23/07/2011 11:05

Worra, bec of the BC. Only the mum can register alone if parents unmarried.

bringmesunshine2009 · 23/07/2011 11:07

BTW OP YANBU. 4 months? You must be joking. I wouldn't let 4 month old stay out with my parents then, so why with an absent parent. Is putting cart before horse if they are only spending 6 hours a week with them!

complexnumber · 23/07/2011 11:28

I find the wording of the OP quite odd, nowhere is the gender of the other parent mentioned or alluded to. Indeed, it seems to be deliberately avoided.

i offered to put the name on the birth certificate but parent refused.

This certainly suggests that it is the father, maybe I am just reading too much into this

edam · 23/07/2011 11:28

Happy - because we are talking about a baby, not an older child, and that baby's security and need for his or her primary carer. You have to put the baby first, not the adults.

edam · 23/07/2011 11:30

Btw, I'm all in favour of the father seeing the baby as much as possible when the mother is present, if that is acceptable to the mother.

bringmesunshine2009 · 23/07/2011 11:31

I thought she was saying, that she offered to put down dads name and he refused. Thought it odd to be conforming to the feminist police by being non gender specific.

But if you look at the info for birth registration (my post natal brain can just remember hahah), where parents unmarried parental responsibility rests with mother, only with father if named on BC. For this reason believe OP is mother.

RitaMorgan · 23/07/2011 11:34

There definitely needs to be some build up between 6 hours a fortnight and an overnight stay. My ds first stayed overnight with my mum at 6 months but she had seen him a couple of times a week since birth, had babysat for a few hours, ds had stayed overnight at her house before with me etc.

If the other parent wants to be involved they need to get their name on the birth certificate and start taking responsibility now. Being a parent is a long term commitment - I'd worry they intend to flit in and out of the child's life as suits.

lollipop69 · 23/07/2011 11:41

I agree with most of the others on here.....4 months is a little to young. Also I would not let him have overnight contact unless he has parental responsibility as he is not allowed to consent to anything in case of an emergency i.e. hospital treatment. Contact really needs to be increased to couple days a week before overnight.

Greythorne · 23/07/2011 13:54

Exactly right, Cantreachmytoes

DoMeDon · 23/07/2011 14:09

4mo is too young for overnight stays - my solicitor said no court in the land would impose it. Especially if the other parent has not been in regular contact (note 6hrs every fortnight would not count). Apparently a court would be looking at the 1 year mark before imposing overnight stays. If all goes well and you want to do it earlier that is your choice.

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