to be concerned about dog and new baby?

[moominliz]

Hi all, I'm still quite new to this site but would value some independent opinions. I'll try to be as concise as possible!
Basically DP had a labrador with ex wife, with whom he also has 3 children, when they split they decided it would be best for dog to stay with her and the children.
Last August we offered to look after the dog while his ex went on holiday for a couple of weeks, however, 11 months later we still have the dog!
DP is obviously very attached to dog and as his ex has made seemingly every excuse under the sun why she couldn't take dog back, even getting 3 budgies so theres no way she could take the dog back.
Now comes the part where I feel torn and so guilty, on one hand I understand you need to keep stability for the step children, especially with a new addition on the way, and DP is greatly attached to the dog.
However, she is not a small dog (a 6 year old labrador) and is strong, Amongst other things I think my major concern is hygiene, i.e. she moults a lot, muddy paw prints, etc.
I do feel terrible to even be considering getting her re-homed, I've had dogs when I was growing up and understand they are a family member so I know they aren't just an expendable commodity, hence why I feel so bad.
Sorry for the ramble, hope it makes some sort of sense and I greatly appreciate some opinions!

MissClueless... (very apt name btw :) )

There must be Daily Mail reporters lurking all over your town... :)

Any dog (yes, even a labrador) could be trained to act aggressive towards others, dogs and people.. but because they dont tend to get the bad press, people seem to forget that... and just blame the staffies.

Dogs dont manage to bark and bite at the same time... its impossible.

Slightly off topic but Dogsbestfriend can I ask you about rehoming?

You often mention how bad it is to rehome privately rather than use a rehoming centre.

Now, if I were looking to rehome my dogs, I can think of at least two people who I would trust to rehome to. I've known them for years and if either of them said they wanted to take one of my dogs I'd be 100% confident in their intentions and commitment.

Given that I know these people far better than a rehoming centre could hope to get to know a potential adopter, even with homechecks etc, why would it be worse of me to rehome to them?

Genuine question x

Cor never new people could be so snappy! Just saying. Sorry to question

I am another one with a baby (6 month old) and a lab (4 year old). It is more work and I can understand that it must be hard when it wasn't your choice in the first place. I love my wee man (the dog, that is) to bits and could not imagine giving him up, so I am highly motivated to making it work. But surely it was your DHs choice to get the dog in the first place and so his responsibility as much as his ex, regardless of what has happened since then? Also, maybe she agreed to take the dog but is finding it a bit overwhelming with three kids?
Anyway, lots of good advice on here...
Yes, work out a plan of action regarding cleaning. Regular hoovering, wiping paws after a walk, etc. It's not that bad really. The hardest bit I have found is being watchful of him when my DD is on the floor. He's a gentle soul but big and a bit clumsy, so my worry was more that he'd accidentally stand on her. But he is learning to be gentle and give her space. Just today he lay down next to her, he was right beside her but lowered himself so carefully he was as close to her as he could get without touching her, so he definitely knows! As for not being able to leave them together- a bit annoying at times but to be honest my DD didn't like being put down anyway for the first six weeks and anyway, I figured that once she got mobile I wouldn't be able to leave her alone without putting her somewhere safe anyway.
The hard bits for me are far outweighed by how much I love my dog and I can't wait for my little one to fall in love with him too. I think he'll be a great companion, and will add to her childhood in a positive way.

Thanks DorcasB.
I'm sure I will manage with DP's help plus I'm from a dog-loving family who I'm sure would offer dog b&b for the odd night if things did really get on top of me

Sorry I missed that bit about coming from a dog loving family, so you know all about how fab dogs are and I am preaching to the converted a bit! I do sympathise as it is so hard to really imagine what it's like looking after a baby and things can seem a bit impossible if you think about them too much, especially when pregnant and hormonal. You do just find a way though. I guess you were looking for ways to make it work and a bit of reassurance it'd be okay, rather than seriously thinking about giving the dog up. Sounds like you feel better about the whole thing and have lots of support in RL too. And just think- an older, well trained, family dog is ideal compared to having a puppy and young children which is REALLY hard work. You're lucky you have a 'readymade' family pet!

act with caution over dog and baby

I don't think YABU to be concerned, it's only natural, but this dog is well used to children and provided you act sensibly then it will be fine.

My dogs are used to children but had never seen a baby until I looked after my friend's 2 week old a few weeks before I had my own baby. They were fine and are fine with my baby, absolutely fine in fact, just took it all in their stride.

It's sensible to never leave a dog and baby or child together unsupervised and not to allow any child to climb on, pull, push or prod a dog or annoy it incessantly, but otherwise, generally children love dogs and dogs love children because children are the ones willing to throw a ball or play a game for hours.

It makes me so sad when people give away their pets when a baby comes along. Poor discarded pets. :( It always makes me wonder if they will be tempted to give away the first kid if they have a second...

In the vast majority of cases there is no need for it and a bit of mud and fur won't do the kids any harm at all.

We have 2 dogs and an 11 month old girl. The mutts have mixed feelings about her, 1 seems fine and tolerates her attentions, the other is wary and has had a warning growl in her general direction. We never leave them alone together and I know that the dog that's been a bit funny now loves older kids so I look forward to them being best mates when she's a bit older. Either way she loves watching the dogs and having the odd slurp, and they really help clean up debris from baby led weaning! Can't be bad!

CalamityKate - I'll reply to your question as a rescuer. Rehoming privately, if you know the new owner, can keep track of the dog and know 100% of their commitment etc. (The example I will use here is a cat)

so, for e.g I fostered an old stray cat, my best friend came, (I've known her years and how she looks after her pets) she saw the cat, fell in love, offered a home, cat now spoilt -I keep tabs on the cat and see him regularly, get updates etc...

Totally, totally different to advertising your dog/cat "good home needed" and sending him with a family you don't know. OR indeed, getting a pet from a private person you don't know.

Good rescues - assess the animal properly (cat or dog), vaccinate, microchip, neuter and most importantly, offer behavioural and back-up support if the homing doesn't work out for whatever reason.

Private owners (and I am generalising here, I am not tarring everyone with the same brush before people start bleating about how they homed a pet and it was fine, blah, blah, blah) - I can guarantee that I, Dogsbestfriend and Scuttlebutter (all rescuers BTW) have seen between us all these senarios happen through private rehoming.

1. Your loved "free to good home" family pet is used as dogbait in dog fighting rings. This happens, I was involved with an RSPCA dog fighting case in South Wales where this had happened.

2. Your loved family pet was not neutered and has now ended up in a puppy farm to be kept in a cold shed and churn out puppies day after day...

3. Your loved family pet was dumped and is now on 7 day death row in a pound because the new owners got fed up. (It has happened, I have pulled dogs from pounds who had the previous owners microchips and when contacted said "oh i rehomed it to blah, we don't want it..")

4. Your loved family pet is tied up in a kennel in the garden day after day, because the people who got it hadn't thought it through and can't cope with the dog.

5. The people rehoming your dog - they seemed lovely, great family, lovely kids... THEY LIED... because they are puppy farmers/dog fighters/need the dogs/cats for an illegal purpose - another case - South Wales, I was made aware of an individual who was taking cats "free to good home" and they were ending up at University vivisection labs -the University in question were given false provenance on the cats...

IT HAPPENS.

yes, what about the step-kids, surely they are strong, energetic and not too clean at all times..

Ok kidding, kidding. But I have 2 massive dogs and 3 cats and the thought to give any of them away because of the baby has never entered my mind. Little mud never hurt anybody and you can always use baby-gates if you don't want the dog to do everywhere. YOu'll be fine.

I have two rescue mad dogs. My daughter brought over my darling grandson when he was days old. Dogs liked a sniff but got VERY bored, cos it didn't DO anything and walked off for a lie down after 5 mins. :) I would never leave a dog alone with children, but my female rescue got all maternal and lay at end of his carrycot.

Now he is a bit bigger, they seem quite unfazed by his attempts to eat their ears. :).We stop this of course.

I sigh over muddly paws and hairs,but a bit of hoovering and mopping sorts it out. I just love my dogs.

I think people have been rather harsh to the OP - it's the ex-W who has been irresponsible and the OP has had a dog dumped on her without asking. Presumably if she wanted a dog she'd have got one of her own?!

Having said that it's not the poor dog's fault and OP, if you can keep the dog then PLEASE do so. You will be showing more compassion and responsibility than the ex-W and I also think it'll be great for your new DC.

I say all this as a dog person with my lovely girl lying on my feet as I type this!

I think some of my worry may actually be a touch of resentment, that I didn't choose to get the dog

Have you considered the possibiity that she may have chosen you, that she may have drawn you into your dp's life and that she, effectively, engineered her move to your home?

Animals often exhibit the sixth sense that some of us are able to access on occasion and they can be much more than four-legged friends. Treat her well, share regular pampering sessions and down-time with her, tell her your news and confide your problems to her because she may be the best girlfriend you'll ever have.

I think izzywhizzy may be spot on. Lovely post!

QuietTiger has summed it up perfectly, Kate.

Am unwell and not "with it" so unable to add much but want to ask you this:

What happens to the dog when your nice, kind friends can't keep him?

What will they do if they lost their home, they couldn't afford him or, heaven forbid, he were to bite them?

What if they feel they have no option but to take him to the vet to be killed?

Can you guarantee that you will have him back, if necessary for the rest of his life, whether 10 weeks after you gave him to your friend, or 10 years? Of course you can't! Otherwise you wouldn't be rehoming him in the first place.

A reputable rescue will ensure under contract that any dog they rehome must be returned to them and not sold or given away, no matter how many years have passed since he was adopted. And a decent rescue will care for him until he is homed a second time or they will provide him with lifelong sanctuary.

People often think it's okay, if my pal can't keep him then she can take him to rescue... jesus if it were only that easy. QuietTiger will tell you how hard it is for us to secure places in decent, responsible rescues and we have all the contacts. The older the dog, the more "undesirable" the breed, the larger the dog, the harder it is by far to place him, even for us. The unneutered and/or unvaxed dog, the ill dog, the biter... poor little sods wouldn't stand much chance of getting a rescue place with only the help of the owner. The idea that many have, that you can just turn up at the gates of rescue with your unwanted dog and that there will be a place waiting for him is a total fallacy and one which has cost many a dog his life.

QuietTiger said:

"3) Your loved family pet was dumped and is now on 7 day death row in a pound because the new owners got fed up. (It has happened, I have pulled dogs from pounds who had the previous owners microchips and when contacted said "oh i rehomed it to blah, we don't want it..")"

That rings a chilling, painful bell.

If I had a pound for every time I've pulled dogs from pounds whose previous owners have said that I'd have a damn site more money to provide to rescue, that's for sure.

MissClueless i agree with you, and you can tell alot about an owner by their dog and whether or not it has been brought up well.

There have been several excellent studies that show that children who grow up with pets (dogs in particular) have several huge benefits over their peers without pets.

Firstly pets help to prevent the 'clean effect' children who grow up in homes that are too clean (yes it's possible) are more prone to small illness like colds and vomiting and diarrhoea not life threatening, but not fun.
Next a good quality large study found that children with dogs actually have less asthma due to their dog walking lifestyle and regular exposure to a particular mycobacterium found in mud that appears to innoculated against asthama.
Finally studies have found that children who grow with pets are much more sensitive to non-verbal feelings from others and tend to be more sympathetic and empathetic to others. I think characteristics nearly all of us hope our children will grow up with.

MissClueless, you are wrong, staffs do not 'turn' (nor does any breed?!), that is misinformation, please do not spread this rumour - staffs (actually very good with children) get a hard enough time as it is. Yes, they were popular as 'weapons' amongst braindead idiots (quote me if you like) but many of these dogs were actually dumped in rescues for being too soft. The ones who train ANY breed to act aggressively are obviously idiots, luckily for staffs, in this and other countries with ludicrous BSL, it is just largely against their nature to
act aggressively. As it goes, other breeds are now taking the place if staffs as status dogs for braindead idiots, huskies, etc. Before staffs it was rotties - you can't demonise a breed, just the idiots that own them. Luckily there are also many responsible owners of staffs, rotties, etc, to balance things out a bit.

OP, YANBU to worry, but rest assured, it will all fall into place. I was worried about the same things (mud, dirt, hair, etc) before DS (6mo) came along, but it is ok if you keep on top of the cleaning. Dirt is good for kids, anyway! I was recently concerned that my DS was allergic to my dogs but that isn't the case after all - and I'm glad to say this is even less likely due to him growing up around them! I wasn't worried about the dogs around DS (and I have demon staffs rather than a big family friendly lab!) but it goes without saying you should never leave a baby or young child alone with a dog of any breed. It is hard work keeping the dogs exercised, house clean(ish) and baby/furbabies separate but babygates/playpens are your friends, as is a decent Hoover and a sling to carry DC on dog walks. You have the added advantage of the dog being a bit older and already used to kids. Please try not to worry, and do not rehome the dog - there is simply no need and it will benefit your DC far more than it will hinder them. Good luck!

Hmm formatting fail, darn iPhone.

• place OF staffs (first paragraph) - darn iPhone strikes again.

changed my name to being insulted about being clueless.

If you read what i have written, i clearly said its the owners fault, not the dog. Im not spreading 'rumours'.. we have a staff, and she would still live with us now if landlord allowed pets. She is a big softie, she won't go in the garden if the cat is guarding the door, we had to literally pick the cat up so the dog to get past!!

Clueless, I'm going to quote you:

"Obviously being a staff, they are known to turn"

WTF? And you're telling us you're not spreading rumours? You're not only spreading rumours, you're talking bollocks as well.

"we have a staff, and she would still live with us now if landlord allowed pets"

I searched like buggery for a landlord who would accept dogs. Three of them, to be precise. Large breeds. It was a bugger for this lone parent of 2 who's on a limited income.

BUT... I wouldn't have dreamed of moving to a house without my dogs. I certainly wouldn't want a relationship with a man who abandoned his dog in order to move into a house which didn't accept them. I have neither sympathy, empathy nor respect for anyone who would.

Would you/DP rehome your kids if a landlord didn't allow them or would you find alternative accomodation?