AIBU to be upset by this? Confused by how this has made me feel...

[LastTrainHome]

8 years ago I walked out on an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Towards the end I was incredibly unhappy and developed anorexia because it gave me an element of control over my chaotic existence.

Over the years he alienated me from my family and most of my friends, made me feel worthless, slapped me, pushed me, held a kitchen knife to my throat. He told me that no one would ever love me as much as he did. The final straw was when he broke my arm in two places.

You get the general idea, I could go on but to summarise this was a destructive, soul destroying relationship.

I have since moved on with my life, I met a wonderful, gentle, loving man, married him and we had 2 DC. I'm blissfully happy and it's very rare that I spare a thought about my old life or about him, I consider it a chapter in my life that has been closed and it has been a long time since I have spoken about it (this feels very strange!!)

However, recently I learnt from a friend (who was a mutual friend when X and I were together but has since only kept contact with me) that while we were together, he cheated on me - possibly numerous times. She thought I knew already and it came up in a conversation when we were both quite drunk.

What I want to know is, why does it bother me so much? It's ancient history best left buried and I don't even know why I'm sparing it a second thought. I feel a bit humiliated by it all if I'm honest :(

Feel free to psychoanalyse, I'm interested to hear your views... sorry if I'm not making much sense, I'm finding it hard to put my feelings re all this into words. I want to bury it again and forget, but it's niggling me in my quiet moments..... I can't talk about it to anyone, so maybe this will help.

Thanks in advance :)

[marriedinwhite]

Just look at it as another layer of the onion peeling off. They will eventually be exhausted. You have recovered from many other layers; this layer is betrayal; and grief hurts. Perhaps serendipity has handed out the grief in bite sized pieces to help you deal with what it is possible, for you, to deal with in one go. Look forward not back. You have found happiness with a decent person; that is because you are a wonderful and decent person and you deserve to enjoy the future that you have built for yourself. Enjoy the life in front of you - you cannot expect to ever get over what happened but with support and love you can come to terms with it and move on and accept all the positive things. You didn't deserve what happened; but it happened - you owe it to yourself to stay on the upward journey. Your skill, your capability moved you on. Celebrate the journey.

[LastTrainHome]

marriedinwhite, what a truly, lovely post. I'm feeling emotional now and it's so much better than the twisted knot I've felt in my stomach for days. Thanks all of you :)

[bringmesunshine2009]

Just wondering, when in an abusive relationship, the fact that he went to such lengths to make your life miserable at least showed that in his twisted little way he was obsessive enough about you to bother to make your life horrid in so many ways, in summary that he was sufficiently bothered by you to mess with you.

The fact he was cheating consistently is another kick inthe teeth because even though he could be arsed to be revolting and abusive,he didn't give enough of a shit about you to limithis attentions to you exclusively. Thus feeling further marginalised? Or is this overanalysing way too much??

[bringmesunshine2009]

PS congrats on getting out, that makes you stronger than a large proportion of victims of abuse. Well done on you strength, keep drawing on it, it is a credit to you.