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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have told my son the truth

47 replies

chicletteeth · 19/07/2011 12:52

Yesterday, DS1 (6 years) and I are sitting watching an episode of Peppa Pig which tells the story of the tooth fairy. He suddenly pipes up that the tooth fairy isn't really, neither is father christmas or the easter bunny and that there is no point my telling him they are because he knows they're not and he also knows that I am all of the aforementioned characters (I am speechless at this point). He then proceeds to tell me that God isn't real either (fine by me, we're atheists anyway so I've already answered his questions on that one) but that he knows I'm not god

I tried to convince (re the first three, fictitious beings) that they were real but he wasn't having it and said he know that if I try to pretend to him they're real, in a few years I'll admit he was right and say theyr'e not.

He has not been around anyone else (other than his peers at school) so unless it has come from one of his friends, I can't think where else he would get these ideas (other than the fact that he's right and presented me with a well reasoned argument to disprove the existence of father christmas at least).

My DH had a chat with him too, but the bottom line is, he doesn't believe and I won't lie to him and tell him they're real.

Was IBU to have done this? My mum thinks so and whilst I know 6 is young, what can I do if he's figured it out.

OP posts:

LilBB · 19/07/2011 13:52

I have heard about the church seasonal hijacking festivals I just wondered what your son thought about why you celebrated these. I mean if he thinks Father Christmas turns up because if baby Jesus' birthday that would be a bit hmmm.

I think it's fine for him to know the truth as long as he realises some people do believe in these things. Does he know about other religions? You could explain it like that. Some people believe x, some believe y and some believe z.

GooseyLoosey · 19/07/2011 13:54

My 8 year old believes. He has told me some of his friends do not. I have said that it is up to him - if you believe the magic works, if you don't it doesn't. I am quite comfortable with this as I think that it's true.

northerngirl41 · 19/07/2011 14:00

Could you not just try telling him that people who don't believe in Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy etc don't get presents from them? We kept this alive in my family for years and years - since if you say you don't believe, there's no presents!! Which kinda explains how I still get a Christmas stocking delivered by Santa.... Means no spoiling for the younger ones, even if he doesn't really believe any more!

Original poster

chicletteeth · 19/07/2011 14:00

I have always told him about religions and how many different types there are and that lots of different people believe lots of different things and that it's ok not to believe too.

As mentioned earlier, he knows he still going to get chocolate, gifts and money so all seems well and he now thinks that part of the fun will be to make it nice for my other two DSs

OP posts:

Original poster

chicletteeth · 19/07/2011 14:02

Northergirl I don't mind that he doesn't believe! My mum is the one, that's why I posted.

He won't spoil it for the younger ones; he's smart but not cruel.

I think that that's a really shit thing to do actually; say if you don't believe you don't get anything.

WTF?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 19/07/2011 14:03

Ds has never bought into Father Christmas, tooth fairy etc - he knows it's us. That doesn't mean we don't play along with it, but he knows it's just a story and not real.

valiumredhead · 19/07/2011 14:05

And WRT to God , I just present the facts and he can make up his own mind. At the moment he REALLY believes in heaven as we've had a couple of recent deaths in our family and this is helping him cope.

herecomesthsun · 19/07/2011 14:07

We have taught our DS that the Xmas story is about the Nativity, not Santa. He is 3 and has books about it and a playmobil nativity set to play with. I am not planning to persevere very far with the Father Christmas idea and we will tell him that it is just a nice story if he questions it,and part of the fun and old traditions of Xmas. However, he has expressed an interest in "going where that place is" (pointing at the stable in his Advent calendar) and we might just go to look around Israel one day, if he would still like to when he is older. His Dad and I go to church and have never been to the holy land. And we would also be up for discussing a liberal, textual take on religious tradition in due course.

aristocat · 19/07/2011 14:08

my DD is 7 and it was when she lost the most recent tooth that she also told me she didnt believe in the tooth fairy and parents make it all up for their children.

i admitted that yes i am the tooth fairy and she actually seemed to like the fact that it was me putting the £1 under her pillow rather than a fairy coming into her room whilst she was asleep.

i think its fine that she knows the truth and just accepts that others do believe. some DCs are just more inquisitive and ask more questions (like my DD) perhaps your son is the same

CornflowerB · 19/07/2011 14:17

I think it's great that he's worked it out for himself. To be honest I hate the lying and the ever more complicated stories you have to tell as they get older. I know my daughter is going to be furious and upset when she finds out it's all a load of baloney. And please no one use the phrase 'Magic of Christmas'. It just seems so contradictory to be encouraging them to be truthful about most things and then feeding them a big pack of lies about fairies and Santa and the Easter Bunny (which I never even believed in myself)

Sandalwood · 19/07/2011 14:17

I would avoid saying too much about it.
So that when it gets near to christmas, he can still choose to believe if he wants to.

FriggFRIGG · 19/07/2011 14:24

My sister told me when i was three,and i remember quite clearly thinking "oh,that makes sense"

we are atheists too,and it's easy to draw a parallel between 'storys people pretend/think are real'

i was fine with it,until i told my mother, she was crushed,she told me it was all true,why didnt i believe??i wouldnt get anything now etc...

I felt terrible,like i had betrayed her by growing up.

if he knows, he knows.

absolutely no point in pretending you believe and making children feel guilty about not believing.

clever kid BTW

valiumredhead · 19/07/2011 14:26

cornflowerB I agree. Given my son's personality at the age of 10, if I told him now (or even a couple of years ago) that I had been fibbing all along about Xmas/Easter bunny he would be FURIOUS, and start questioning everything else I had ever told him.

I have always made it quite clear though that lots of his peers DO believe though and he isn't to contradict how their families choose to do things.

wicketkeeper · 19/07/2011 15:02

6 isn't so very young. He sounds like a bright boy. I worked out at 3 that there couldn't possibly be a Father Christmas (apparently announced it to my mother one June morning while she was trying to do the ironing). I knew that the world was very very big, and I couldn't understand how one man could go all the way round in one night. And also (we had a real coal fire at the time, so I knew about soot) I didn't want my toys to get dirty coming down the chimney. it amazed me that some of my friends took so long to work out the truth!! And to give my Mum credit, she knew when she was beaten and gave in with a good grace.

EldritchCleavage · 19/07/2011 15:11

We never had Father Christmas. Doesn't work too well in the tropics. I was not scarred by this.

northerngirl41 · 19/07/2011 17:28

Ah but mostly they twig that if they keep schtum, they still get presents therefore ensuring the younger kids don't have it spoilt for them.

My elder sister decided aged 6 that it was high time she "proved" to me that Santa wasn't real, aged 4. She made me stay awake ALL Christmas Eve... occasionally punching me to wake me up. And when parents eventually got so knackered they had to go to bed, they put presents outside door instead of in stockings then went to great lengths to make reindeer footprints in the snow etc. to prove to me that Santa was real.

I totally agree with you that lying about it is wrong, but I think the third way of knowing but pretending is still the nicest way to deal with it. My sister being told "only people who believe get presents" would certainly have atuned her rather mercenary mind into NOT telling me!!!

emptyshell · 19/07/2011 17:34

I think a lot of them start to have inkling's the game's afoot by that age but most choose not to question it too much in case the perks dry up (not daft heh). From working in schools (obviously you don't ask the question directly and you deflect what gets too near the bone back but you get a general feeling for how the mood's swinging) it seems to go about 90% reception/70% year 1 and by year 2 it's probably about 50/50 with most of them playing along to keep their parents happy and the shinies rolling in.

The only comments I ever make about the tooth fairy are how the little bugger seems to be the only person minted in this recession - it was 20p when I was a kid and now they're getting £2s and fivers!

mummytime · 19/07/2011 17:45

My kids all started to have doubts about that age. (Only ever did Santa really, as I actually believe in God.)
They tended to believe again around Christmas time, and DS had a interesting theory about the tooth fairy (that a pillow chemically changed a tooth into money).
I did also make it clear to them I actually do believe in God.

The eldest was actually warned not to spoil the game of pretending Disney was real to his little sister, and quickly realised this applied to Christmas too.
Personally I find it strange that some people lie so hard to small kids, it was always a game to us. (And my youngest believed in fairies long after telling me about Santa.)

DartsRus · 19/07/2011 17:53

The flip side is that you've not lied to him, and he will now be more inclined to believe you over something when it's important.

My dd has worked it all out, but she told me she wasn't going to spoil things for her little brother. She understands that for us (dp & I) we had fun pretending, and trying to do things when she was asleep.

NorksAreMessy · 19/07/2011 17:54

We said we wouldn't lie to the Dc when they asked a direct question, but we still ramped up the fun elements (letters from tooth fairy, santa footprints, making fairy houses in the woods, egg hunts etc), just didn't tell them it was 'real'.

DCs do not regret it. They had the fun, but none of the subterfuge

lenak · 19/07/2011 17:59

I think as your son was so adamant, then it would have been very wrong to try to persuade him - at that point it would have become an outright lie rather than being complicit in perpetrating a fun childhood myth.

I think if they have believed for years, but they get to the point where they start to doubt but still aren't quite sure, it's OK to try an string it out, but if they've outright stated they don't believe then the truth should be admitted.

DD (almost 4) still believes in Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny and I will let it carry on for as long as possible as I love making the most of it.

I constantly have to tell her however, that when we see people dressed up in character costumes (such as the large 'dog' outside Pets at Home the other day that they are just a person in a suit. For some reason she is aboslutely terrified of them

DragonAlley · 19/07/2011 18:00

When the subject comes up (DS1 and 2 are 12 and 10) I go down the "Well, he doesn't bering presents to those who don't believe" route. I did fess up about the tooth fairy though as thats a PITA.

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