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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep the sex of our baby a secret?

44 replies

StinkyWeimaraner · 19/07/2011 11:02

Hello everyone, I've been lurking for a while but now decided to lose my AIBU virginity.

My first pregnancy was high risk and I was under close consultant care after I lost a twin at 17 weeks. They were both boys and I had to carry ds's brother until 10 days after he was born as he didn't come out at birth. Only a handful of people know there were twins so I had months of putting up with 'god you're massive, are you sure there are twins in there?' The day the little one came out was traumatic and deeply upsetting.

Now I'm 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a healthy girl. We found out the sex via amnio. We are still telling people we don't know to buy us some time before my scan on Friday. My best friend and my SIL are both pestering me to find out even though neither of them found out the sex of theirs because they didn't want to ruin the surprise! My mum even called me a bitch when she thought I knew, before I found out, and wouldn't believe me. We want this to be our lovely secret but these people are getting really irritated with us.

Are we being childish and should just tell them?

OP posts:

SmethwickBelle · 19/07/2011 11:36

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a traumatic time for you, and so pleased your pregnancy is progressing smoothly.

It is such a personal thing - if you don't want to tell, don't tell!

I fall into the "find out and tell everyone" camp but I really can understand why people either prefer a surprise or want to keep the baby's gender to themselves.

Even without previous loss, sometimes if relatives and friends know the sex they can make unwitting insensitive remarks, (which they're marginally less likely to make when the baby has arrived). "Oh it's another girl on the way, were you hoping for a boy" "Aw, its a boy were you hoping for a girl after your son", or if you have lost a baby "Oh its good its [the opposite], then it won't replace the one you lost or "Oh its the same gender as the one you lost, will that be especially hard".

And god forbid you tell them the names you have planned before the baby arrives - everyone's got an opinion on those!!

So part of me totally understands why you'd just keep the info to yourself and announce all the details when the babe is safely here.

4madboys · 19/07/2011 11:39

so sorry for your loss, hope this pregnancy goes smoothly for you xxx

i think its fine not to tell anyone the sex even if you know! we did this with ds4, people knew we knew but no one pestered to find out, it was our choice and we were happy with it :)

the first three were all suprised and then with no 5 we found out and this time we told people, mainly because we wanted to tell our four other children that they were getting a sister and obviously it would be unfair to expect them to keep it a secret!

your baby, your choice! and NOT childish at all!

Andrewofgg · 19/07/2011 11:41

Tell 'em what you want to tell 'em. And all the best.

BrandyAlexander · 19/07/2011 11:51

Each time we found out but didn't tell anyone. We just told everyone that we didn't know. We did this because a) we wanted to keep this one thing for ourselves and b) it meant we chose the name in secret and then just told everyone as soon as baby was born that we had had a boy/girl called xxx.

I am so sorry for your previous loss and best of luck this time.

BrandyAlexander · 19/07/2011 11:51

I am so sorry for your previous loss and best of luck this time.

Astrophe · 19/07/2011 12:05

Stinky, I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your baby :(

For different reasons, we have found out the sex of our number 4 baby (due in 8 days), but also aren't telling people. We have 2 DDs and a DS, and whilst we will of course be delighted with either another DD or DS, I felt I needed the time to get used to the idea of not having any more DSs if this baby were a girl (and it is!).

I'm so glad we found out - I'm thrilled, and now very excited about my 3 DDs and one lovely DS...but I'll confess it took me a while to get my head around it as I had sort of assumed (stupidly, and for no reason at all!) that this one would be a DS and we'd have 2 of each.

And people are constantly saying to me "I bet you're wishing for another DS", and "I hope its not another DD - imagine having 3 DDs!" etc etc, and I'm so pleased I have had time to feel very sure in myself that we don't feel that way, and are thrilled :)

So YANBU at all. When it comes down to it, its your baby, and people are rediculous if they feel they have any 'right' to know the baby's sex if you don;t feel like sharing it yet, just as its insane that people feel they have the right to grope your bump or make persnal comments about your size (don't get me started!).

Best wishes for your little one :)

Kayano · 19/07/2011 12:10

I never get the secrecy surrounding things like this ESP in a family. Maybe if you just told them they wouldn't be asking and wondering and potentially upsetting you.

Don't get it

MilyP · 19/07/2011 12:12

I think it will be easier for you if you don't tell anyone you know. If they know you know then they will keep the pressure on. So i would keep quiet that you know. But if you don't want to say then that is up to you.

I haven't found out and my MIL was very keen to know 'so she knew what to buy'. I was keen to have a suprise and not a mountain of blue or pink things!

ShoutyHamster · 19/07/2011 12:16

Your mum called you a bitch over this?

Tell her that any more abuse like that again and she won't be finding out the sex until the baby is approximately six months old... when you might finally consider letting her darken your door!

And tell the rest of them to back off. Not too politely. They're all extremely out of order.

deemented · 19/07/2011 12:23

Stinky, i'm so sorry for the loss of your twin

I too have lost a twin, and then in consecutive pregnancies i have found out the gender and not told anyone except manshape. My reasons are that DS1's condition can affect any future boys i may have, so i needed to know for my own piece of mind.

Fwiw, it's no one elses business but yours and if you wish to keep it a secret then you do so, it's nowt to do with anyone else.

M0rgana · 19/07/2011 12:24

Ugh - why is it that we become public property when we're pregnant? It's really not anyone's place to become "irritated" with you because you choose to keep such a personal thing to yourself. Sounds a bit like they're jealous because you're in on it and they're not. Well, tough - ain't their baby.

I didn't find out with either of mine - I would have done, but DP didn't want to so I thought it was only fair to go with that. However, had we found out we would have kept it to ourselves - in my experience people often lose interest when they know what a friend/relative is having...

So sorry to hear about the loss of your twin, too. That must have been hearbreaking.

Good luck with the new addition.

ZombiePlan · 19/07/2011 12:26

Think your mum's behaviour was appalling.

No reason why you shouldn't find out and keep it secret IMO. Sometimes you get close friends or relatives who don't want to know, so you can't tell other poeple in case the news gets back to them.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/07/2011 12:28

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you all the best for your delivery.

I think people get a bit funny when you know something and keep the information from them. I'm not sure why, but it's like they think you are doing it out of spite. They cannot really comprehend your reasoning because it is not what they would do. Of course they can't really predict what they would do in your position because they are not in your position and living with your experiences. Still, some empathy wouldn't go amiss and your mum should never call you a bitch for wanting some privacy.

I think the best way to get what you want and avoid conflict is to say that the scan couldn't identify the sex of the baby. If you tell them that you know but are not saying, you will just get constantly nagged and it will affect your enjoyment of this pg.

PamBeesly · 19/07/2011 12:39

Congratulations OP, I would most definitely not tell them, it truly is none of their buisness and fwiw they sound horrible, well they sound horrible in this instance and to be called a bitch by your mother is disgraceful behaviour from her, don't believe it for one seond, she sounds manipulative and controlling, be strong for yourself. I would of course keep it to myself, its just for you and your DP, no one else. Enjoy your pregnancy, I hope it is easy sailing for you

Snowgirl1 · 19/07/2011 13:37

I don't agree with your family pestering you, but like some of the other posters, I don't understand when people find out the sex and then don't tell others. It's a surprise whether you/others find out the sex at 20 weeks or when the baby is born.

goodnightmoon · 19/07/2011 13:47

i still don't see any valid argument here for it - apart from some general defence of privacy, which seems ridiculous since you can't hide that you are hiding a baby and there are only two possibilities on gender. If anything, you invite more intrusive comments if people ask and you don't tell.

It is childish - like you're handing over some precious gift of knowledge at the end that you've guarded all that time.

cees · 19/07/2011 13:57

Just tell people you are not finding out because that is your choice, then find out and tell no one. It's your baby, your body, your choice.
I can't stand those pushy people who think they MUST know everything about you.

carabos · 19/07/2011 14:46

Tell them you're not sure but you think it's a boy or a girl

biddysmama · 19/07/2011 14:55

i'd tell them the baby had its legs crossed, you cant always see the genitals anyway

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