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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Behavioural problems or just a really shitty parent?

50 replies

hellospoon · 19/07/2011 09:56

Well, I have recently found out that a 'friend' is not who I thought she was. I have always been there for her no matter what however I don't feel that I can anymore here's why;

She has parental responsibility for her cousins son, she has had him since he was 6 weeks old (he is 3 now) she says they have adopted him but has told other people different stories so I am unsure, anyway she and her husband have been trying for a baby for about 7 years and last year she finally got pregnant all very exciting and she relied on me to take her to appointments and when her due date came around I took her to the mat unit when she thought she was in labour (3 times a week) and sat with her till sometimes 4am!

When she had the baby my position of friend became redundant, she would say she couldn't see me and avoid me, yet on facebook it was clear she was meeting up with everyone else except from me.

Anyways when she finally had a spare hour she invited me over to meet the baby and to have a catch up, great so I went now when I was there her 3 year old was playing fine with my dd and no problem atall I can't remember exactly what but he did something naughty which a time out would of solved however she did this;

  • screamed at him that he was a little retard and to fuck off and leave her alone
-threatened to smack him in the face if he didn't fuck off.
  • said she hated him and that he has no place in her family.

Now my opinion from seeing this is that now she has a baby of her own she doesn't want her 'adopted' son anymore, however she has been telling people we mutually know that he has ADHD, I have looked after him on occasions and I really do not think he has this.

She has decided she never wants to see or speak to me again because I don't support her.. I do support her just not when she is abusing a little boy

Aibu to call social services? Or should I get a hv involved?

OP posts:
knittedbreast · 19/07/2011 11:30

well, i would talk to her. id remind her how much she thought of him before lo came around.

i know a couple of mums who have admitted their feelings towards their eldest has changed when they have a new baby- they sort of like them less. eventually this changes i think its just hormonal. but imagine you had an adopted child, but your new baby was yours, biologically i can only imagine that it would escalate things.

im not saying its right, but if you mention the above to her it might make sense, tell her lots of mums feel that way but she needs to find a way to include her eldest and fall in love with him again.

Could you maybe suggest ways she could have quality time with both, for example while bf my baby i used to read my eldest a story at the same time.
i would speak to her hv so that she can be supportive rather than aggressive?

welshbyrd · 19/07/2011 11:33

Jeez poor little boy Sad

agreed call SS today

Also agreed she may have PND, if this is the case SS will help

Fifis25StottieCakes · 19/07/2011 11:45

Ring SS, i dont think they will go in and take the boy unless he is in real danger. She sounds like she needs help which SS will give her

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/07/2011 11:48

Ring Social Services ASAP. That is appalling, that poor boy.

FreudianSlipper · 19/07/2011 11:49

i think i would try talking to her first, she knows what she is doing is very wrong and by doing it in front of you maybe an unconscious way of reaching out. she might be suffering from pnd and he is getting the brunt of this, we all know having a baby is not quite what we think it is going to be and this may have come as a shock to her

but if that does not work then yes you have to call ss

duchesse · 19/07/2011 11:57

Poor poor poor little boy. You MUST intervene. Call SS today. Seriously.

sunshineandbooks · 19/07/2011 13:51

Definitely call SS. This is emotional abuse, with a threat of physical violence, and it's very serious. If the mother has problems, she can be helped, but right now your concern is not the mother, it's the child - who is powerless in this.

If you are wary about contacting SS directly, then call NSPCC who will do it for you, or your HV as you say. The HV will undoubtedly contact SS as well on the basis of what you've put here.

I'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation. Sad

pictish · 19/07/2011 13:59

I agree - and I'm the very LAST person to ever condone interference in other people's parenting.

That poor wee boy. I have a three year old son too, and am made ill by the thought of anyone ever treating him so.

Your friend is horrible....just horrible! SS for sure!

Lillyofthevalley · 19/07/2011 14:14

Breaks my heart thinking of that poor poor little boy and what he is going through. I would not be held responsible if anyone spoke to my ds that way, that is outrageous! Angry

If I were in your shoes I would not worry about this so called friendship and phone SS with out delay!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/07/2011 14:56

This has to be addressed. It is verbal and emotional abuse and the threat to 'smack him in the face' would lead any reasonable person to wonder what goes on when others are not present.

However, from what you've said, it's likely that the child has a case file and possibly an allocated social worker somewhere, and that 'somewhere' is likely to be your friend's local authority's social services deparment.

Make enquiries; if it transpires that there is no allocated social worker please don't report the matter direct to the LA's social services. Instead, call the NSPCC as complaints referred by that organisation tend to be taken more seriously and given priority over those that arise 'in-house' IYSWIM.

Please be aware that it's possible that your friend is, effectively, fostering her cousin's son and may be in receipt of an allowance from the LA in which case there should be an allocated social worker. If she has adopted the child she may be in receipt of an adoption allowance, but visits from social services will be infrequent to say the least.

Unfortunately, where children are placed with family members and have been in situ for some years, and where a department is understaffed, these cases tend to be put on the back boiler in terms of visits/liaison etc.

Are you in touch with other mutual friends? Can you make discreet enquiries to ascertain whether they have witnessed anything untoward about your friend's attitude to the child?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/07/2011 15:18

Like yourself, I doubt that your friend's behaviour is caused by PND. It's more likely that the child fulfilled her maternal longings but that, now she has given birth to her own child, he has become a nuisance and is, effectively, 'not wanted on voyage'.

It is sometimes the case that such 'parent(s)' revel in being told how kind/good etc they are to have taken the child in, and have no intention of losing this social approbation. Angry

They may use the child as a scapegoat for any ill that befalls them, and unfavourably compare him/her to their own natural child(ren). Needless to say, a child who has been treated in this manner can develop considerable problems and may end up in care at a later date, while the adoptive parents maintain that the child's behaviour is beyond their control and nothing to do with the way in which the child has been raised - after all, look at how well-behaved their natural child/ren is/are. Sad

flicktheswitch · 19/07/2011 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoAteMySnickers · 19/07/2011 16:53

Shitty Parent!

Whether he has behavioural problems or not, she is a shitty parent. Get on the phone to SS pronto!

emptyshell · 19/07/2011 17:28

Yeah he's probably got behavioural problems as a consequence - poor lad's been passed from pillar to post since he's been born and now the lady he sees as mum doesn't seem to want him anymore and he can't do a thing right (see- I ain't always the resident heartless cow!).

Sounds like the friendship's over now anyway she's got new shiny baby (and doesn't need the taxi service anymore) - I'd be making the phonecall to SS, but I'd also be preparing for the inevitable shitstorm when she finds out someone's called in on her.

prettyfly1 · 19/07/2011 17:31

OMG I DO have a son with ADHD and no matter how hard it becomes or how challenging he is I would NEVER dream of talking to him like that. She wouldnt get it diagnosed at three anyway. Call social services. If she talks to him like that in front of you what is going on when you arent there!

capricorn76 · 19/07/2011 17:40

I'm not normally one to say this but you need to call SS right now. You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to him if you don't. He's in danger.

maypole1 · 19/07/2011 19:00

Please contact ss adoption can take years to finalise so it might not be set in stone

Maryz · 19/07/2011 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shuffleballchange · 19/07/2011 19:57

I really hope by now, you have called SS and reported this. Trust you gut reaction. Poor little boy.

shuffleballchange · 19/07/2011 19:57

your

emptyshell · 19/07/2011 20:44

See what also makes me mad about this is it's witches like this and this sort of situation that make it doubly hard for those who are infertile to adopt - because social services see fit to make sure we're completely hammered into their world view in case we then miraculously naturally conceive and become the completely mental evil bitch like this.

So yeah - on behalf of anyone who can't have kids who might want to ever adopt - grrrrrr.

Thruaglassdarkly · 19/07/2011 20:54

My 3 Yo DD drives me nuts sometimes and I sometimes think she has ADHD too, but I could never in a million years think of talking /behaving to her like this, even when I've felt at my wits end or was grieving for my parents. I love her to bits and feel bad if I even raise my voice at her or speak sharply to her. Poor little boy - he's a baby still. How confused must he be! I think SS or a health visitor would be able to advise. They won't remove him lightly, but they could put some kind of support in place for this family perhaps. Let us know!

berylmuspratt · 19/07/2011 21:13

That is so sad :( I'd definitely contact SS.
I wouldn't speak/shout at anyone like that, never mind a 3 year old.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/07/2011 21:22

Unless she has adopted him she may not have PR.
Its hard to tell unless you know under what circumstances she is caring for him.
She may share PR with the birth mother
Or SS may still be involved (but taken a back seat) if she is classed as a kinship carer.
She may be classed as a private foster carer
She may have a special guardianship Order.

Birth mum should still have PR unless the boy has been adopted.

Regardless this needs sorting out.

I have had two birth children since adopting my great nephew. He is treated and loved exactly the same as his brothers.

Al1son · 19/07/2011 21:48

I think I can see where this has come from. My godson was cared for by me far more than his own parents for his first three years and we had a wonderful loving bond which is still there eighteen years later. However when DD1 was born I was blown away but the power of the love I felt for her and realised that my bond with her would always be that bit stronger. Fortunately for my godson I reacted by curbing my desire to isolate myself and the baby from the outside world and made sure that he always felt loved and welcomed no matter what.

This lady on the other hand seems to have used him to play parent when there was nothing better but now she has her own child she wants to discard him. That must be messing with his head so much and he can't ask for help. OP you need to ask on his behalf. I doubt that she'll admit what she's doing to SS but she needs a warning if nothing else.

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