Adopting in the UK today has more risks for the prospective parents than, say, 30-40+ years ago.

[pingu2209]

30-40 plus years ago there was a social stigma to being an unmarried mum. There was little to no financial help in terms of benefits. There were more babies and very young children up for adoption then and the likelihood of the babies/very young children having other problems such as emotional issues or damaged in some way such as through drug use during pregnancy was not as great as today.

Today, as there is no social stigma to being an unmarried mum, and there are far better benefits to enable a mum to cope financially there are far fewer babies/very young children who are up for adoption. Those children (any age) up for adoption are more likely to have had more time with their unsuitable birth parent(s) to be emotionally or physically damaged and more likely to have been damaged due to drug taking during pregnancy.

AIBU to think that adopted parents 40+ years ago had less problems with their adoptive child than adopted parents of today? AIBU to think just as there are fewer babies/very young children up for adoption, the above means there are fewer adults prepared to adopt a child too?

Let me just put on my hard hat and bullet proof jacket on.

Someone in my family adopted a newborn baby boy like that 50 years ago. It was fantastic; the adoptive parents were lovely, they kept in touch with the birth mother - sent photos and letters, she was invited to his wedding - and the little boy settled quickly and easily into his new family. He always knew that he was adopted and he is now an adult with children of his own.

DH and I always said that if we could have adopted a baby like that then we would do it in a heartbeat.

However, we also thought that if the adoptive Dad was abusive and the Mum was an alcoholic, then there was almost no safety net for the little boy. The adoption was arranged through "friends of friends" and there are a lot of people who are charming in public but are awful behind closed doors, there was no real vetting of the new parents.

So it's harder for the adoptive parents, but it's difficult to think of a way to get back to that era of informal adoptions without putting children at risk.

Surely the situation is a good thing.

Basically, you are saying that in the past people used to be able to adopt children whose mother was not an abusive or neglectful, but was simply poor or unmarried. Surely it is a good thing that such children are no longer put up for adoption.

That means that potential adoptive parents can help the children who genuinely need adopting, rather than adopting children who should be with their parents.

I think it is very dangerous to speed up the process of removing children from their parents simply so that they can be adopted faster. This was meant to happen so that older children would be in care for longer, no real impact on older children, because people want to adopt a perfect baby instead - the supply of which increases if we become more draconian to young/poor/single/struggling mothers in taking their children away.

sorry, I meant to type 'so that older children wouldn't be in care for longer.'

squeaky to say you don't think it would be possible to feel completely like a full parent is harsh. You are not an adoptive parent so how can you possibly have any idea.

It is fantastic that you are so happy with your mum and dad. Sadly lots of adopted children do not feel as secure with their lives as you do.

this thread is horrible. So full of sweeping statements and myths.

Do you also realise how much it is stigmatizing the adopted child?

Its like reading the Daily Mail. They love a good juicy 'my adopted child ruined my live' sort of story.

New start? Kids dont forget their lives just because they get a shiny new mummy.

My mother was an adopter, and I was the adopted child, so I think that gives me the experience and a very good idea about it actually.

I know how my mother would have felt about it. We discussed it in depth many many times over the years, particularly in recent years when I was considering adopting a child.

Yes but that was your personal experience. It is wrong to assume others would feel the same as your mother.
I have birth dc as well as my adopted dd. I also have several friends who have adopted and have contact with parents. None of us feel any less a parent to our adopted dc than we do our birth dc.
I had a conversation with dd several months ago which went like this.

DD Mummy, made me didn't she.

Me yes she did.

DD but she couldn't look after me could she

Me no she couldn't

DD Next time I see * I'm going to give her a big cuddle and a kiss

Me thats nice, why?

DD because she couldn't look after me so she gave me to you and your the best mummy in the world.

Like my dd I will always be grateful to she gave me the most precious thing she could. If by letting her see dd twice a year in any way makes her life a little more peaceful that's ok with m.e

squeaky I respect your experiences as an adopted child but I am assuming you were adopted as a baby or very young.

If you were to adopt it would be very unlikely that you would get a baby. How would you cope with an older child's need to know about their background and their ability to remember it?

Then you are lucky too in "your personal experience" that the birth mother of your child is not causing any problems in your life. I have friends who have had the opposite of that, and for them adopting has not been something that has gone so smoothly, and they feel as I do, that their family life would be better if a clean break had been made.

I have not "assumed" that everyone else feels the same as myself and my parents, but I am aware that there are others who do agree with me, and of course others who dont.

I am simply posting about MY personal experience. If that is ok with you .

The adoption uk site is very good but people tend to post when they are having problems.

Like bereavement sites - not all bereaved people are constantly in crisis and on the verge of breakdown. They may well be when they access support sites though.

These days, for better for worse (imo frequently worse), mothers are encouraged "against all odds" to give it a go - even if there are serious concerns about their ability to parent. :( Doesn't end well for any of the parties involved.

h parents have no "right" to letterbox contact, you enter into an informal contract to do so, if you want to stop you do. adopted children have the right to contact birth parents at 18.

As an adoptee myself (born and adopted in 1981), I am glad that we have moved on from the commoditising of relinquished children to a situation where effort is made to help the birth mother.

The idea that older adoptees are somehow "tarnished" is upsetting, however.

Think it's the same in Ireland regarding bio-parents. I know the adoption agency informed my parents and my sister about receiving a letter wrt possible meetings etc when she was around 18 and she did meet them etc.
The agency did the same with me when I was 18 but I told them I didn't want to receive the letter or to open it so asked them to return it to sender.
As others have said it's different for everyone.