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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if anyone else has successfully brought up their kids with no communication with the other parent?!

13 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 18/07/2011 19:27

My ex and I have an extremely acrimonious divorce. We were friends until he got with present partner who has large control issues and could not hack an ex on the scene and resents having our children.

Ex has the kids every other weekend and one week night although has decided recently to no longer have them the week night as it is too much hassle for him among other reasons Hmm.

Kids want to go and when I have suggested to them otherwise they have stongly suggested they want a relationship with their father "in spite" of her.

Since our divorce was finalised a few months ago he has refused to have any communication with me at all and passes messages through the kids Angry. He will not reply to texts (about arrangements/school/medical matters). When the kids pass the messages I just say "please tell your father not to pass messages and tell him to phone/text me if he needs to know x y z". Tonight DD got really upset and said she felt I was having a go at him through her Sad and maybe I was Sad Sad.

He wants me to take him off the mortgage (I don't have to until DD who is nearly 12 turns 18) and sends solicitors letters demanding proof that I have "done my best endeavors" to get him off (I have and can't atm).

Do I say to the kids its now up to them to arrange their contact with him and remove myself from the loop completely (meaning I have to accept he will pick and choose when he has them even more than he does now and affect my working hours yet again) or do I stop them going to her house (where he lives) until he communcatres with me like a grown adult?!

Frustrated and angry - suggestions please. Kids are nearly 12 and nearly 14.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 19:42

I have experience with children and families and this sort of arrangement doesn't work well.

The children are of an age to decide for themselves and soon the eldest can handle the arrangemens for contact.

I would insist that he stops game playing and grow up, he is a father and needs to comunicate with his DC's mother.

He is only going to cause upset if you allow him to carry on with this.

You should at least be able to email each other.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/07/2011 19:46

He doesn't reply to emails, she prints them out and makes him read them to the kids Hmm

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 20:03

Insist on communication via email and keep the email to arrangements only, don't get into arguements or discussions.

Your DC's want contact so you will have to come to a compromise, contact should suit everyone, though, you included.

If you are behaving fairly then you have nothing to worry about. I would make a separate folder and keep the emails in there, incase they decide to re-write history.

The DC's shouldn't be brought into this but you cannot control her behaviour. She (and him) will be the loser in the long run as your children will one day be adults who can confront her (and him).

I would do everything to sort out the mortgage and move on with your own life. Your DC's are growing up and there is very little damage that they can do, given their ages.

skintoff · 18/07/2011 20:04

Not personally op but my parents did.
Long time ago now, set days every week- same time. We were the same age as your dc and they lived close enough for my brother and I to make our own way there and back.
This may be a completely daft suggestion but would you consider emailing his control freak partner and passing control over to her instead of your spineless ex in arranging access?

Birdsgottafly · 18/07/2011 20:13

OP just be aware that she has no legal responsibility to your DC's, so even if she arranges something she doesn't have to stick to it and she might enjoy letting you and them down.

Sewmuchtodo · 18/07/2011 20:29

I would continue to try and communicate. Yes the kids are (give or take) old enough to arrange dates/times etc but they are also still young and vulnarble. Your ExH's new partner sounds like a real pill and you need to do all you can to prevent her from being a further cow so i don't think her being in control of contact would help.

What are the contact arrangements of your divorce? If you can't make contact with your ExH regarding medical matters etc then do you trust him to contact you in an emergency should he have the kids?

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/07/2011 20:34

I can't give her power. She has tried to have me arrested twice, tried to lose me my job and had me breathalysed on the school run Hmm

We have a Statement of Arrangements for the kids but it doesn't seem to be worth the paper it's written on Confused

OP posts:
JenniL1977 · 18/07/2011 20:49

Being a child of a divorce much like this, let me tell you just how badly it fucked me and my brother up.
Trust issues, anger management issues, control issues, depression (later), drinking, drugs.. We're the perfect examples of a broken marriage.
No matter how much it hurts you and pisses you off, do not slag your ex off to your children. They will resent you for it in the end. If he does this, they will come to learn what an arse he (and she) are being. Don't pass messages through them - again, if he does this, they will learn about him being an arse. Try and tell your ex that it is not doing the dc's any good at all to be put in this situation - they may be old enough to choose but they are still children and they are not mature enough to deal with this level of anger being directed at the two people they love most in the world.
I know that as their mother you will probably have to deal with an unfair amount of their rage towards their father/father's new gf/ general bewilderment about their whole life being turned upside down because you are the parent that is there more of the time - you just need to be calm and understanding with them (my mum never was), but still draw the boundaries - they can't get away with being out of order just because they're angry or upset with you or him.
Please be the bigger person for them. Keep talking to them, don't get defensive (I'm sure this stupid new gf is going to sling plenty of mud your way) or angry - it is NOT their fault. Use MN or other friends for your own outlet when they're being unfair to you. Just keep asking him to contact you directly; if your dc's keep bringing messages back from him, take it on board, say nothing, and email him with the answer.
Sympathies coming your way, OP, what a shit situation. :(

JenniL1977 · 18/07/2011 20:53

She's done what?! how has she tried to get you arrested?
(if you live in the north, I know some people who know some people, ifkwim ) I hate people like this. Why can't they just let you get on with your life- she has him now, what's her issue?! So sorry for you

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/07/2011 21:42

As I said, she has issues around control :S

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 18/07/2011 22:36

I haven't spoken to my ExP for about 7 years now and ds1 is almost 13.

ExP is a control freak and I couldn't cope with any communication with him. My dh sometimes used to speak to him, but only if it was absolutely unavoidable.

It does get easier as they get older although ExP still over controls ds1 and can bully him at times. Once they get to 13 they can set their own pattern of contact and the court would have to respect their wishes.

MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 23:13

what about the 3rd child?

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 19/07/2011 18:19

3rd child isn't his. He brought him up from a baby and he calls him dad but the day our divorce came through he said he no longer wanted to be a part of his life. Hes 9 Sad

OP posts:
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