Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU about comments about weight

43 replies

klapaucius · 18/07/2011 19:26

I'm about 5"7 or 5"8 and about 8 and a half stone. Do you think it is acceptable for my DP to make comments such as "I wouldn't mind if [gesturing to my thighs] there was more, but I wouldn't mind if there was less" and "at least you go as well now ;)" in regards to me saying I went to the gym and to make comments to his brother that I eat a lot. If we go out for a meal and I haven't eaten much all day (usually because I haven't had the time so just grabbed something at my desk) then I'll eat a lot in front of him, I'm not embarrassed (or at least I wasn't embarrassed) to order a burger and chips and finish off the lot when having a meal together. We can be having Chinese and I'll have an entire portion of sweet and sour chicken to myself and he'll make jokey comments and poke my stomach. He will also joke about having to hide the chocolate from me in his house and express disbelief if I have a bar to myself. At first I did think it was quite funny and would laugh myself even though at the same time was a bit but now it's actually got to the stage where it is pissing me right off to be honest and I think it's pathetic. Surely he knows that is an area pretty likely to piss off any woman? I am confident in myself and don't think I should change anything. I told my sister who thinks that it is because he goes to the gym about 3-4 days a week and always eats healthily (basically is quite obsessed with his appearance although claims he doesn't care) that he maybe thinks I don't appear to look after myself in that way. I actually do make an effort to eat healthily but sometimes overindulge, so what? I've actually used to people telling me I should eat more and I was actually trying to put on weight before I met him not "I wouldn't mind if there was less"! When I looked him in the eyes and said, be serious, what do you actually think - he reiterated what he had just said. AIBU and 'precious' or would you be pretty pissed off too? Do you have partners that comment on your weight at all and if so do you think it's right?

OP posts:

JellyBeansOnToast · 18/07/2011 20:00

I weigh about four pounds more than you, and I am the same height. It's hardly entering whale territory, by a long shot!

Your DH sounds like a massive twat. Does he think he's being funny? I say this because I do have family members who makes jokes about my weight, but their reasoning behind it is I can't possibly consider myself overweight, because I'm obviously not. Unfortunately they don't consider that it's actually quite damaging to hear that you're fat, and that it gives you hangups no matter what your size. Tell him he's a plonker. Is he a gym-toned Adonis himself?

maras2 · 18/07/2011 20:02

The usual sentiments from a Mumsnet lurker.Tell him to do one and then you eat some pies.I was going to say f the f off and when you get there f off again (him not you ) but Ithink you know that he is an arse don't you ?

Driftwood999 · 18/07/2011 20:02

2rebecca "Are only fat women allowed to be unhappy when their partner makes sarky comments about their weight and eating habits?" The OP states
"I am confident in myself" just does not add up imo. That's all. Just an opinion.

pjani · 18/07/2011 20:03

YANBU. I think you should tell him you don't like these comments.

marzipananimal · 18/07/2011 20:10

Is it possible that he doesn't really how much you don't like it? My DH sometimes jokes about my weight (I'm about the same height and weight as you) and I always found it funny too (as I'm very skinny) but when I was pregnant I didn't like it so he stopped (after being told!).
Not sure from your post but perhaps you haven't managed to get it across to him that you really don't like it

marzipananimal · 18/07/2011 20:11

doesn't realise how much...

Original poster

klapaucius · 18/07/2011 20:21

Jane054848 thanks for your perspective because that makes me feel a bit better about why he could be making those comment although I do want to ask him outright if that's why he thinks it's OK.

kickingking and JellyBeansOnToast good to hear people backing up the fact that you can feel hurt from weight-related comments even though they assume you "can't possibly be offended". I don't particularly like the muscled look, he is pretty close to the description gym-toned Adonis body wise but he makes a massive effort to be so. He drinks protein shakes and is a member of 2 gyms which he visits about 3 times a week. Could be down to insecurities in other areas perhaps.

maras2 thanks. Even when I was a stone heavier a few years ago I didn't feel too heavy and no one complained or made any comments at all. If I ever got to that weight again I'm sure I'd still be happy in myself which makes his comments that bit disturbing to me.

Driftwood999 When I say I'm confident doesn't mean I think my body's worth showing off I meant more that I'm aware of myself ie don't have body issues or a problematic rship with food etc. Confident as in "this is me and if you don't like it f* off" if that makes sense.

marzipananimal well I have expressed annoyance a fair few times fair enough at first I used to laugh but that was short-lived. But maybe he thinks I'm being playful back rather than "Look! I really don't like this so stop it." You're probably right.

OP posts:

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2011 20:36

Hi OP.
I couldn't agree more with other posters - this is more to do with his obsession with body image and projecting it on to you.

I am vaguely obsessive about MY figure (now extremely good, after having been about a size 22 before I had my children - go figure...) and although I would NEVER say anything to anybody, because I have been there and know what it's like to not feel happy in my own skin, I do notice and think about others' weight and shape and appearance.

A LOT! It's part of the hangover from having been overweight I guess.

So - as a person who thinks a lot about weight I think I recognise it in him. NOBODY, I repeat NOBODY goes to the gym 3/4 times a week and DOESN'T think about their weight. IN his defence, he's probably unhappy in his head about his appearance, and although I have sympathy for this because I still have 'ishoos' re. mine... I think he's totally out of order.

Tell him to 'hau ab' next time he says it. He'll get the message!

Original poster

klapaucius · 18/07/2011 20:48

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay thanks a lot for that because it does help me to understand where his comments came from and everything you have written makes a lot of sense actually. I would rather try and understand than simply be angry at him. I guess when you are thinking about your own body a lot you do think about other peoples and can't help but make comments sometimes?Thanks a lot for your comment because its reassuring to hear that.

OP posts:

nomoreheels · 18/07/2011 21:47

I am your height & currently 11 stone (had DD1 8 weeks ago.) I want to get back to 9.5/10 stone when I finish BF which would make me a size 10/12. So 8.5 stone is very slim IMO.

Comments about weight are rarely helpful. Your DP is an arse.

eurochick · 18/07/2011 21:54

He is being a twat. I think there might be a cultural mismatch. You need to tell him that those comments are not normal here and are not acceptable to you.

I'm about an inch shorter than you and a size 10 at 9.5 stone with a BMI of 21, so you are very slim. I was about your weight in my 20s and as v slim indeed.

You're not the problem. He is.

skybluepearl · 18/07/2011 22:01

Your BMI is at the bottom of the OK range i imagine. It would be stupid of him to suggest you loose weight. Does he honestly prefer the anorexic malnourished look or is he just projecting his own body issues on you? Can you show him your post on MN?

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 22:09

By your height and weight you are underweight. Im 5ft 2" Im 9.5 stone, and Im a size 12.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/07/2011 22:37

Really, dead Driftwood? Don't you mean that the op's dp should get over himself or that she should get over him?

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 18/07/2011 23:02

You are somewhat underweight and he is a twat!

minxofmancunia · 18/07/2011 23:15

I'm 5'8" I weight 8 stone 9lb I'm on the cusp of ok/underweight on the BMI range same as you

Your dp is being a townk. there is absolutely no need for these comments.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/07/2011 00:06

"He is German and his English isn't that great "

Anither possible theory, OP. Could this maybe be down to a cultural difference? I'm sure I half listened to something on Radio 4 a month or so back that mentioned how polite English small-talk was considered time-wasting in Germany and German directness was considered rude in England. Or something like that.

janelikesjam · 19/07/2011 08:31

I have a question for the OP as I am genuinely curious. Does he put you down in any other way?

By the way, I think making nasty negative comments about a woman's body is not necessarily being a twat or insecure - it could also be a sign of a deeply unpleasant dynamic from a man towards a woman (destabilising her, undermining her, devaluing her).

Flip

1 2