Worried about my OH

[starsandmoon]

Hello, am new to this so am not too sure how to go about this, but here goes. I have been living with my OH, various of my OH's sons and my DS for the last 10 years, my OH treats my DS as his own.

Slowly, over the past 3 or so years, my OH has stopped being interested in the house, and now, latterly, his pride and joy his garden. He never was a one for DIY and there are loads of jobs to do around the house (painting, decorating etc). I have offered to do all this, he has refused, saying "he will get around to it" - basically translated to sometime, never !. If I did any of this without him knowing (say when he went to see his family in Wales), he would sulk for weeks. If anything changes in the house (say I get new cushions or new light shades), he sulks. He will not help with any cleaning within the house, only getting involved if I get sufficiently annoyed, even then, if I finish doing some cleaning, he would immediately stop as well and go sit back down on the sofa again. None of the DS will also help within the house despite asking, OH DS is 28, my DS is 20. I have stopped cleaning within the house at different points - at one time for 2 weeks. Nothing gets done if I dont do it any more.

I cannot remember the last time we went out together, he preferring to sit in front of the TV or on his computer all night.

As I said previously, his garden is his pride and joy, vegetables his speciality. However, that is also going to pot recently, he used to be out there every night, I am the one at the moment going out to water the plants, he has no interest in cutting grass, clearing weeds etc at present. We used to hold BBQs and food nights for the family and friends, that?s also stopped.

He does have a stressful job, but has had this job for the past 10 years, I work part time but also work extra hours so that my part time is actually full time work, my work is also quite stressful and involves weekend working. He has put a lot of weight on over the past few years and is also drinking more (bottle of whisky over the weekend, bottle of wine during the week). He is having indigestion/chest pains on a very regular basis, has had many tests over the past 2 years. He is going to see a consultant in August to see if they can find out what is going on.

Due to his working schedule, he only has fixed holidays in August. I can only get 1 week off in August, he will not go away anywhere, he does not want to do anything whilst he is on holiday. Last year we managed to go away to Cornwall for a week and we really enjoyed it, we did lots of walking and was going to carry this on when we got back. It lasted for approximately 2 weeks then he wasnt interested. We havent done any walking since probably January this year.

On reading this letter back, I feel he is depressed, and I have mentioned this to him, he denies this but wont do anything to change, I am at my wits end as I love the bones of this man, and am really worried about our life ahead of us. I don?t know what else I can do to help. Could anybody suggest anything at all to help motivate him.

When I read your post, my first thought was depression too.

Is there any way that you could get him to a doctor? Perhaps you could speak to the GP and get advice - I'm not sure if they could call him in for a "routine check up" for example.

Also, do the gastro specialists know how much he is drinking? That's a lot of alcohol on a regular basis (as I'm sure you know), and it could be that he is self-medicating depression with alcohol, it's really common. The consultant would need to know for the gastro symptoms, but it could be a way in for you to talk about how worried that you are about him.

You have my sympathy - it's awful having depression, but it's almost as awful watching someone you love with depression. :(

Could be depression, however my dad was feeling somewhat similar which turned out to be high blood pressure. A monitor is less than £15, could be worth checking at home if he's unwilling to see a doc?

I've got to say depression is what first popped into my mind too.

The whole thing of him not being bothered with anything and losing interest in things he once enjoyed just screams depression.

Isn't alcohol a depressant? Would he be willing to give up the alcohol do you think?

Does he recognise that he has lost interest in things he enjoyed... The gardening and BBQ's?

Thanks for that - we have a BM machine at home, Bp is 130/80, which is quite good. When he started going to the GP about his indigestion/chest pains, they tested his blood, he had high cholesterol, he was given simvastatin which made his chest pains worse (and somebody at work told him that he could reduce his cholesterol without taking statins - so he stopped), he was told then to cut down on alcohol, which he did for a while (no whisky for about 3 months, red wine only), but over the past year it has crept back up again, likewise with the cholesterol, he is doing well with this, eating low fat/low cholesterol products, started grilling things etc and he is still doing this but he is still getting the chest/indigestion pains. he is on medication from the GP, but cannot be bothered getting a repeat prescription. The GP has sent him to a cardio-respiratory specialist, to see there are problems there, he went to gastro last year, had an endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy, no problems there.

Am just at my wits end with him, no idea what to do next.

I dont know about the alcohol, he has given up the whisky before, I might have another word about it tonight, but I just feel like I am nagging at him when I do this (this is a regular thing)

Can you make it about the family to take the pressure off? So instead of "you need to stop drinking" say "we need to be healthier, let's cut down the drinking and do x activity together" or something.