pre-wedding talks

[Sharney]

AIBU to think if your engaged or planning on moving in together starting a LTR you should have a sit down first and discuss the future a little bit? ie- children, money, elderly parents? I know life throws curve balls but it seems some people don't really know what there getting themselves into. What would you advice a young couple about to embark on a life of togetherness?

so is an illness or disability a deal breaker?

I think that one's in the vows isn't it itsnice? "In sickness and in health" - clearly it can't be a deal breaker or you couldn't make that vow.

yes you are right it is in the vows I had forgotton about that. But so too is for richer and for poorer and to forsake all others. Manys a divorce has been caused by the last two. How many would admit sickness swung the balance for them?

I don't think that most people realise what is entailed in looking after elderly infirm parents or relatives, so it would be pointless to try to discuss it.

Unless you do personal care as part of your job you don't know how you would take to changing pads daily on an adult. You don't know for sure if you would want your OH to change you.

My GM was adament that she didn't want a member of the family to look after her, in that way, even though there are HCA's, nurses and doctors iin the family.

You should discuss how important it is to have DC's and your attitude to their care eg SAHP.

Savings, debt and home ownership has to be agreed on.

It is going to be second time around for me and i want a commitment to it being as much his job as it is mine to make sure that there is shopping in.

My DH and I went and had some pre-wedding therapy/relate type counselling - it was good in that we discussed a lot of things:

• we know what the dealbreakers are
• knew in advance what our areas of conflict would be

It certainly doesn't guarantee any outcome, but I am all for being practical and perhaps the setting also allowed us to be honest with ourselves and with each other without the emotions of the whole engagement/ wedding/romance hoo-ha

"so is an illness or disability a deal breaker?"

I guess for some it is. In which case it would definitely be better to know up front! Who'd want to be with someone that selfish anyway!

We spoke about everything before we got married, from would we want our kids thinking Father Christmas is real to would OH be ok assisting the others suicide if one of us got something terminal.

I know you can't plan for everything, but discussing the 'what if's' and knowing what is most likely to be the response has helped us open up as a couple.
Advice I'd give to a young couple getting married is have it as small & cheap as possible as you don't want to start married life stressing over chair covers or how overpriced the DJ was!

"so is an illness or disability a deal breaker?"

I don't think itsnicetobenice was saying that they'd be off into the sunset if their dearly beloved got sick - but to some people you'd absolutely expect to be cared for at home, even if that meant it impacted on the whole family. For other people they'd not feel comfortable dealing with medical issues at home and would want the sick person in a hospice etc.

Or for example, I have an aunt who never talked to her husband about what would happen if one of them ended up on life support. Sadly that's exactly what happened to her husband and he spent over a year in limbo (and with their money dwindling away) because they had never had that conversation about what he'd want in that situation. If he'd had a living will it would have made her decision a lot easier, and would also have meant they could have accessed his life insurance etc earlier to stop them from running up credit card debts - which is sadly what happened and they very nearly ended up losing their house.

By the time we'd decided to actually be in a long term relationship, we knew each other very well indeed. We knew we didn't want any more children and that marriage was a minefield we'd rather not negotiate again. But we didn't plan for things that might never happen and actually, it's probably a good idea that we hadn't since there's a world of difference between a hypothetical situation and reality. Also, life is for living, not planning to the nth degree. Much better to have confidence in your chosen partner and then take what comes as a united front.

I bought a book by Relate which had lots of chapters all about things to talk about before you get married eg finances, kids, family etc

It was a really good interesting useful book, but could I get (then) DP to read it? No fucking hope. He just laughed at me. . Just had our six year wedding anniversary and things are all ok so.... Draw your own conclusions!

no one understands what impact illness has on a relationship when the couple are relatively young and are newly married as say the illness was caused by accident or just old mother nature. How does one copw with that? That is not the married life the couple talked about

I agree to an extent - if DH or I became ill or diabled, it would be very hard to deal with, but I know an old couple, where the wife became seriously ill a couple of years ago - she had a stroke and became mentally ill and physically ill because of it - he became her main carer - he had to do everything for her.
But he did it without complaint, because they'd been together 60 years (i think!) and that's just what he had to do.
and I can name other marriages where one of the spouses has had illness or disability and dealt with the situation - I suppose that's just what you do, cope.

Agree with nearly once your married in my eyes they are then family until you die. I would do the same for my husband as I would my children. I have seen various family members do it. I think it depends how traditional you are though