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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just doesn't get it.

25 replies

Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 11:14

I've been doing a Post grad for the last academic year in an attempt to re-train after my last company made me redundant. In order to get onto the course, I had to pursue lots of related volunteering, get experience and polish up a lot on my subject.

Luckily, I got awarded a place at the local university and the graft started. The year was really full on. Really intense. I have 3 children, 2 under 5 years and DH is himself a work-a-holic. Had it not been for my parents help, I'd not have been in a position to do it. I worked my nuts off, every night until about 2 in the morning - and that was after doing Mum stuff and getting the children to bed and doing my chores. Waking at 5.30 to get stuff printed off for the day, make school lunch boxes and do more chores became normal and by the end of the course, I was literally clinging on by the skin of my fingers. I'm completely and utterly knackered.

Good news is, I passed. And am now qualified to do what I intended to do Smile. The graduation ceremony was last week but I didn't go. The notification came through last month and DH's first reaction was "You're not going to go, are you?! What's the point!". Stupidly, I said I wouldn't bother, but it really upset me that he was so unbothered about it.

To be honest, our relationship has cooled off slightly and this hasen't helped one bit. He put me on the spot last night and asked me if I was seeing someone else Confused Disclaimer: I'm not. No inclination to see anyone else, no interest, too bloody knackered! When I said it was because of his indifference to the graduation, he just didn't understand.

I'm having real difficulty putting this into words really. I'm not really into ceremonies and the like (I've already got a degree and a Masters so it's not as if it would have been the first for me) but I just can't explain why this has irked me so much.

Sorry for the epic - this was meant to be a short paragraph. AIBU to be upset about this? If so, I'll take it on the chin!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/07/2011 11:21

Yanbu

Nothing to do with the ceremony really, more him not recognising your achievements. Did you celebrate together separately?

Well done by the way!!

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 18/07/2011 11:27

YANBU at all. You worked bloody hard and you deserve some recognition from your dh without having to ask for it! In your position I guess I would have wanted him to insist on us going to the ceremony and to feel that he was proud of me/pleased for me.

I know it's not the same, but why not book yourself a weekend away or something - tell him its a present to yourself for all your hard work and effort. Might give him something to think about while you're away.

Well done though!!

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 11:28

Blush Thank you ILoveTIFFANY
I went out with the other students on the course that had passed, and that was that. DH has always said in fairness, that I've worked hard, but he's also said that it only ever was a means to an end (but aren't all studies that?). His indifference has put a wedge between us and he just won't see that Sad

OP posts:
upahill · 18/07/2011 11:28

It took me 6 years to do my degree part time.
During that time I was working both full time and part time ( 9 - 5 and then an evening job 5 nights a week)

I had a toddler and I got pregnant and had DS2.
I didn't want to go to the ceremony although DH thought I should have done because 'It was about me and what I had done'

When I inisited that I really didn't want to go he took me away for the weekend and told everyone he met about what I had achieved.
NB I couldn' have done it without him, he supported me, did so much with the children without batting an eyelid, got hte houselhold chores done so that I didn't have to worry when I had an assignment due.

There for YANBU in the slightest for your DH#s attitude at all!

upahill · 18/07/2011 11:29

I meant to say congratulations for all your hard work.
I'm glad it has paid off for you!!

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 11:29

Thanks Buxom. Good idea - am tempted.....
I think that's it.... I suppose I wanted him to make more of it, to show that he recognised my efforts, to show that he is proud.

OP posts:
warthog · 18/07/2011 11:29

it's because he isn't recognising all your hard work. you deserve to be made a fuss of and he should be proud of you.

SomethingProfound · 18/07/2011 11:32

Congratulations on your post grad,

YADNBU, You worked your butt off to accomplish your goals which were (I presume) intended to give your family a better and more stable future, and instead of acknowledging your accomplishment he brushed it aside.

Has he ever studied at this level or under grad level? Sometimes its hard to understand how much goes into it if its not something you have experienced, perhaps he just does not understand how hard it is.

Post grads are an huge amount of work even with out a family so I con only imagine what you went through!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 18/07/2011 11:36

Is there a chance he could be feeling jealous or resentful of your achievements?

rainbowtoenails · 18/07/2011 11:42

It does sound like he jealous/resentful. Does he think you now have the upper hand in your relationship? Are you going to earn more than him now? Its like those female oscar winners who get divorced the next year.

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 18/07/2011 11:57

Firstly congratulations :)

No, YANBU

It doesn't sound like you've had much support of him at all during this and then not to recognise your achievement is not on. I'm not surprised there is a wedge between you.

aliceliddell · 18/07/2011 12:07

It doesn't mastter what he thinks of the qualification, it's what he thinks of you. It was important to you, so it should be important to him because you are important to him. That's what would upset me. (He's being an rse, btw)
Congratulations!

Amateurish · 18/07/2011 12:07

YABU

Neither of you has an interest in the ceremony, and he said as much. You agree. Yet, you're pissed off with him for vocalising what you thought.

Not having an interest in the ceremony does not equal a lack of respect for the achievement.

When DP qualified as a solicitor, I did not go to the ceremony. I still thought it was a fantastic achievement.

You're both working v hard: it seems like a petty thing to fight over.

MsAnnThroppy · 18/07/2011 12:09

YANBU. It's not the ceremony as such, by the sounds of it. As others have said, it's the complete lack of recognition of your achievements. I imagine you'd have been happy if he'd made any kind of fuss of you for your achievement, a meal, a little party with the DCs, a gift? Did he do anything?

Does he even know how hard you've worked to keep everything afloat at home while studying? Do you think you've shown him up? Some workaholics treat their busy-ness as a form of competitive sport - they don't like to think other people work harder than them. I wonder if he was hoping you'd let things slip in one area of your life so that it would prove you're not as capable as him?

Maybe he's threatened by your new career opportunity. A whole new you emerging that takes him out of his comfort zone?

He might just be an unthinking arse, of course.

Congrats, by the way, you sound absolutely amazing for doing so well while keeping everything going on the DC/domestic front.

Numberfour · 18/07/2011 12:09

I think your DH is jealous.....

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 18/07/2011 12:11

I reckon jealousy too :(

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 12:14

Thanks everyone, I was really starting to think that I was expecting too much. There isn't a chance at all of him being jealous, he's quite a high flyer himself and even with my post grad, should I get the post I've trained for, it wouldn't be on his level. I'm pretty sure of that.

He did all his studies when he was young and single so he's definitely forgotten how taxing it is. His job is really demanding so as a result, apart from 2 occasions (and I had to ask) he never did the morning routine with the children, so getting up extra early all the time became normal for me. I suppose what with his indifference, I'm starting to feel pretty resentful.

I don't know that he will every recognise any of this though Sad and for him to even suggest that I could be having an affair means that he's not looking at himself as being potentially to blame for how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 18/07/2011 12:15

YANBU

Poor you.

Shame you didn't go, invite your Mum and Dad, and make a lovely day of it.

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 12:18

And no, I didn't get anything from him. My parents bought me a bracelet and I had flowers from friends. I'm pretty certain that DH thinks he's supported me by not going on at me about the cleaning and having an orderly house. [sceptical]

OP posts:
Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 12:20

BalloonSlayer You have a point, but it was DH's reaction to the actual ceremony itself. His 'what's the point' attitude left me feeling really flat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 12:20

lol I've not got the hang of these emoticons yet - that should have been [hmmm]

OP posts:
Original poster
Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 12:21

shit! Hmm - 3rd time lucky lol. Am losing the plot now.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 18/07/2011 12:23

Well done you! congratulations on your tremendous achievement!

If i were you i would tell him calmly that you need your success to be recognised and celebrated. I am sure he has put some extra efforts in too during this time. I would say you both deserve a treat. You more though Wink.

I would give my DP a time frame and tell him he had to do something nice for me in this time. Or tell him he was taking me away for the weekend etc.

I would also say if this was not done i may not be able to help some love being ebbed away which can never be reclaimed.

I would tell him he had a window of opportunity to pull this back but it was up to him.

But then again i am an assertive bossy cow!!

brownleatherbrogues · 18/07/2011 12:36

i dont realise i am so lucky sometimes

during my degree, with two smallish kids, my husband supported me 100%, looking after the house and kids whenever i needed to go to library or work with others. I couldnt have done it without his support, financial, emotional and practical and it was nice to share my success with him

Tchootnika · 18/07/2011 12:48

YANB (completely) U, and congratulations.
It does sound as if the last year's taken quite a toll on your DH, though. It sounds as if exhaustion's clouding his judgment at the moment.

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