To think that being shy holds you back?

[AngryFeet]

I am shy. Painfully so in my younger years. I got more confident in my teens and am even more so now but with new people I struggle and tend to come across as awkward. I have a good group of friends from my teens luckily but I have never really managed to make good friends in jobs or at baby groups/the school gate.

DD is also shy. I suppose it would make sense that she has learnt that from me but I doubt that as I am confident in front of the people she sees me around. She is in Y1 and is doing very well but the only negative brought up was her lack of confidence in speaking up, putting her hand up to answer questions and coming to the teacher when she has questions etc. Apparently this is holding her back. She has a couple of close friends but is not invited to many parties. She is very kind and good hearted (I know I am biased but honestly she is).

Her best friend is very confident. She does better academically and is very popular. That is all fine, some kids are better than others at certain things. The thing is she is a spiteful little girl, always putting DD down and teasing her and leaving her and others out when she fancies it. I was pleased they were good friends in reception but this year her nasty side has come out and I have had to meet with her teacher several times regarding her unpleasantness to DD. She is always telling my DD what parties she has been invited to "Oh but you are not invited are you?".

So why is she the more popular of the two? It always seems to be like this. I remember it myself at school. The bitchy girls were the popular ones. It seems bloody unfair. And it's not like they then end up struggling in later life. They always seem to be the ones who go on to be successful. I have a very happy life but I have never been successful in my career (even though I did very well at school).

All I can assume is that confidence is everything and shy people are held back because of their shyness.

Anyway I love my DD as she is and would not want her any other way. I just would hate her to be held back because she isn't outspoken, bossy or overbearing.

(Please note I do realise that not all popular people are nasty pieces of work so not offence intended here!)

What freudian says, social confidence and confidence in self are two very different things. I have zero social confidence, but I have confidence in myself and my own abilities.

exactly, it is very annoying to that others think because you are shy you lack confidence on other areas or are a push over

ds daddy is a trader and managers his desk very well but he does not have to be loud and shouty, put him in a new social circle and he is painfully shy manages to hide it well by looking uninterested and bored

it would make life easier if i were not shy, i do not want to be waking up in the night terrified at the thought of going to my friends party, many i knew but having to stand around and chat, not being able to focus on something (like a meal makes it easier) is terrifying for me but will still push myself to do it

i am not shy in work situations, have given presentations and quite happily take centre stage then (can even be a bit of a show off at times) but friends parties/gatherings i want to run and hide in the bathroom :(

I think WoD has it spot on.

I'm still curious as to what being shy holds you back from exactly. Having been both shy and introverted all my life, I've still managed to do the majority of things I wanted to, including building up a new life in a different country to that of my birth.

I have to say that drama classes are often nightmarish for shy children. I have taught drama to children from age 4 to 18 and I always know the kids who've been sent to "bring them out of themselves" as they're often, (not always) the ones who are shivering in the corner.

If you're shy, being pushed into an environment with a load of outgoing and confident kids is awful. You feel the pressure to get up and do improvistional games and know that if you don't then you'll stand out.

I think it's far kinder to begin by sending shy chidren to things like Rainbows, Guides or craft clubs...putting them in new situations without the pressure to perform. Gymnastics hasworked well with my own DD...she loved the activity and the challenge but it wasn't too "performance based".

What does it hold you back from?
I am too shy to do things on my own but I have no one to do things with.
I didn't study medicine as I wanted to because I didn't think I would do well enough at the university interview.
I didn't do modern languages because I knew I couldn't cope with a year abroad.
I have stayed with boyfriends years longer than I should have because I didn't think I could cope with life on my own.
I haven't had a DP for nine years. I only know one straight single man. There is no such things as internet dating in my part of the world and I wouldn't dare try it anyway.
I have two friends. I am rarely brave enough to suggest doing anything with them as I assume they have other, more exciting things to do/people to be with. Quite often when they invite me to do things I end up turning them down because the prospect is just to frightening. I worry about running out of things to say, or their realising what an empty life I have and what an inadequate person I am. So I spend most of my spare time alone at home.
I have lived in the same apartment block for five years and I know two neighbours to say hello to.

I am too shy to go to any kind of exercise class/gym or walk/run around the local park.
It's several years since I went for a gynae check-up, and much, much longer since I went to the dentist. It takes me years, literally, to work up the courage to go to a hairdresser. I would never dare have a massage/manicure/pedicure.
I have a good professional reputation but am under-employed because I can't network.
My work offers the opportunity to go on overseas trips but I always pass them on to other people because I couldn't handle staying in a hotel on my own?I'd have to pack sandwiches for the whole trip, wouldn't dare eat alone in a restaurant.

you post made me feel sad :(

seems like you are suffering from far more than a bout of shyness. maybe counselling would help to overcome these fears. unless you are happy with your life but it does sound like you want to break free from your own restraints

Sorry have been out for the afternoon :)

I am definitely in agreement that shyness and self confidence are different things en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shyness.

I am very confident in myself as an adult - I wasn't so much when I was younger as I was teased a lot (often the lot of a shy person sadly). I have travelled across the world alone and am happy with most aspects of myself. But put me in front of someone I don't know and I have no clue what to say. This tends to mean that I say nothing and people assume I am rude/arrogant as I try to look not bothered when everyone else is chatting around me. I am ok if people come and talk to me - the ones who are chatty themselves are the best so I tend to have lots of very confident friends . I do try but I often just sound stilted and odd so people think I am weird. Funnily in my own group of friends I am very popular and often the 'leader' with regards to getting everyone together and being one of the main people who link everyone together.

So some people call me shy and others who know me well would laugh if they heard me being called shy. But this has evolved from being actually painfully shy as a child just as DD is. She is more self confident than I was back then though and shrugs off much of the teasing and is also happy with her own company. But when spoken to by an adult (even teachers she knows well) she goes very quiet so people struggle to hear her. This means she gets overlooked a lot in the classroom. Her teacher is aware of this but she has 30 children to deal with. I see DD in the mornings trying to get someones attention to tell them something exciting but she can't be heard over the louder kids and ends up sloping away. Obviously when I am there I can help her be heard but how many times a day does she get ignored by accident? Her report says "If continues to build on her self confidence and extend her friendships with her peers, her social skills and self esteem will inevitably go from strength to strength which would be fantastic to see!"

With regards to the question as to why would being shy hold you back? Well I suppose for me it has held me back in making lots of friendships during my years as a mother. When DD was born nearly 7 years ago we moved away for 3 years to help my parents set up a business. I became depressed quiet badly during that time as I had two children after being there a year or so and couldn't make new friends in the area. My whole family including DH were working 18 hours a day. I did try to make friends and even managed to get chatting to some people at baby groups but never had the nerve to ask them to meet up (not that anyone ever asked me!).

I also drank quite a lot as a teen to give myself confidence which led to me doing a lot of silly things (sleeping around etc).

Career wise I never got on enough with my colleagues to progress much. I think people skills are incredibly important in jobs. I did brilliantly at school but the people who really succeeded were the very confident ones (like my best friend and DH). Don't get me wrong I am happy with my lot and maybe I just lacked direction more than anything! I hope shyness or lack of social confidence doesn't hold DD back.

I also had a very shy mother and a very very confident father. I spent much more time with my mother though and we ended up having quite a toxic relationship with lots of criticism from her towards me about my looks and personality which didn't help me.

Thanks, Freudian. I suspect you're right, and perhaps describing myself as shy is stretching it a bit, I seem to be in a class of my own.
No, I'm not happy with my so-called life. I am so tired of myself.
I've tried counsellors. One or two have helped a little bit.

Thanks for your concern, smallwhitecat. I've tried every AD ever invented, just about. The only thing that ever helped was a benzodiazepine, which doctors refuse to give for more than a couple of weeks because they may be addictive.

Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Paxil, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Stablon, Lexapro, Effexor...I expect there are others that I've forgotten.
I think sertraline is Zoloft.
Sorry, I seem to have hijacked the thread.

Have you tried CBTLesser some approaches may work for you. The one that springs to my mind is where you write a list of all the situations that you find difficult. Then pick some of the easier situations to attempt to face and try the situation out and assess how you feel.

I had 12 sessions of CBT last year but didn't find it helpful. If you've had it, can you tell me how it was structured?
I don't know if the problem was that the therapist wasn't very good. She certainly didn't seem very organised and was a very sweet bouncy upbeat person?she was lovely, but I never really felt she understood the extent of the ishoos we were dealing with.
We never really had any plan or any way of measuring progress, or lack of it. So for instance if it emerged that I had trouble making phone calls she would set me a phone call for homework. Then she'd be thrilled that I'd done it and talk about how much progress we were making, when I didn't feel I'd made any. I've always been able to make phone calls occasionally (or regularly if it's for work), and making one more didn't suddenly change anything or make the next one any easier.

Then at the next session she'd talk about something completely different, praise me for some minor random thing I happened to have done, draw really confusing charts showing unconscious negative thoughts, set impossible homework?eg going into a gym to ask about training there, or going to yoga classes...It was all over the place.
I'd actually spent ages trying to find someone who did CBT as I'd read quite a bit about it. After that I went back to a counsellor who had helped a bit before, but she is now into rapid eye movement desensitisation therapy and I find the theory behind it too hard to swallow.

Thank you .

Lesser You could do a build up for eg. going to the gym ie- ring about the induction at the gym, then visit for just a look around etc. Recording your sensations at each stage, just real baby steps, and feeling proud if you do it. Writing and reviewing your feelings does help. Also, acting as if you are not totally terrified helps-relaxing your body. Facing the fear is so the hardest thing to do, but it does work.

AngryFeet and MumblingRagDoll
I definitely wouldn't dismiss drama classes, although it is certainly true that there is a very, very wide range in content and quality of children's drama groups, and different drama teachers' skills in terms of managing to address different children's various needs.
If possible, see if you and DS can watch some classes, AngryFeet - or even if your DS can do some tasters.
(Some drama teachers will let you, some won't. I certainly never had a problem with it.) Then you can both go with your instincts.

I just realised that the way I posted could have been seen as nasty and I really didn't mean it that way. I keep seeing all these things, not on this thread thankfully, about how being shy is a quality to be overcome and that it will always always hinder you and you are a lesser person etc. And I was trying to address that, to say that shyness isn't always a hindrance at all.

AngryFeet, I'm very much like you at parties or when speaking ti someone I don't know. I empathise.

Depends on how you view shyness. I think this article may be of interest to you. Or at least it was to me.

If you take the core of shyness (fearing negative judgement) and spun it to the extroverted side then you get an overt people pleaser (and the centre of most celebrity-dom, arguably). Both can be damaging to an individual depending how severe a person exhibits this trait, but only one is seen as holding a person back or as an all out negative where as the other is practically seen as a job qualification in some careers. It's all in how society looks at it.

I think that extroverted qualities are extolled as virtues in our society to the point that introverted qualities and shyness are treated as pathological. They are seen as opposites to the ideal and as such could hold a person back based on society's presumption about a person with those qualities. However, society needs both types of qualities (as described in the article) in order to really get anything done. Pushing a person to be more out there doesn't really help the root cause if it is shyness rather than just an introverted personality. If you think it is shyness, try looking into books on helping children with negativity (as fearing negative judgements goes back to thinking negatively about oneself and thinking everyone else will see it - Dawn Huebner's work with children in this area is quite good and she has several books for children on how to cope, channel, and overcome these issues).

My mother didn't allow us to be shy. Both my sister and i were quite shy but it was the one thing mum was strict about. Her saying was "its easy to be shy" and we were gently but firmly taught social skills and to avoid being self absorbed to ask about other people, join conversations etc. I will be forever grateful to her. My sister who was much shyer than me fundraises for a famous museum and has dinner with mps and billionaires without batting an eyelid. Amazing considering as an 8 year old she was too shy to go to a friends house for tea.

Havent read the whole thread, but can really relate to whats being said on here. I can be very shy and feel awkward and self conscious in large gps and quite often will not speak until spoken to. I was hoping it would be something that i could grow out of - sadly not. Im going to take some of the advice given on here and make a concerted effort to be more sociable, join a drama class and actually get out there! Its easy for me to stay in my comfort zone but that wont improve my social skills will it!

PJFanClub thank you for that article. Ive always been called a sensitive person but HSP sums me up!