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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think .....drinking and children?

53 replies

macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:17

Ugh my XH is an arse, I know that, a lot of history.
Tonight he has my DD's overnight for the first time since DD2 was born ( we were actually seperated when she was born). DD1 is almost 10, DD2 is 3 and a half.
The arrangement was for me to drop them at his at 5pm, so we get there, stuff out the car, knock the door no answer, no signal on his mobile.
I know he's in the pub (as does DD1 :(). 2 very very disappointed little girls. DD1 begs me to take them to see if he is in the pub (god cue memories of our crappy marriage). She begs me not to argue with him, and to let them stay :(
Get to pub, she goes in and comes out with him. He acts all ignorant and says arrangement was 6pm (it wasnt). I ask him if he is drunk (calmly though am inwardly so angry I could happily kill him). He says no he has had a few pints (looks like he has had more though not fall down drunk :(). DD1 is desperately pleading behind his back :(:( DD2 is just so excited.
So he says "you gonna give us a lift to mine then", so I grit my teeth and take them to his.
Am not happy, but I know his GF and their daughter (same age as DD2), will be along later and are also staying tonight (they don't live together).
Though I can't stand her, she will be a sober responsible adult.

IANBU am I???? Surely not, how much do you drink when you are looking after your DC, I stick to one glass wine max, as I am the only adult in the house. He's an arse right?? Because he acted like I was the loon, as always.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 16/07/2011 20:41

YANBU with the fact he's been out drinking before taking charge of children he's not had overnight for a long period. Sad DD1 kind of expected it.

YABU to think adults can't drink when children are around. However I do see where your coming from as I'm a LP and have a DS with allergies so always consider the 'what if' he takes ill. TBH though its an ambulance jobby if epi-pen is required and my friends DH assures me you can administer it drunk Grin and I do think its more my issue than be being right/ responsible.

pinklizzie · 16/07/2011 20:42

I think it is really sad. I don't know if I could have left my children with someone who had too much to drink.

Really tough situation. Sad

squeakytoy · 16/07/2011 20:42

Ah, so you knew he was going for a drink beforehand... to be honest, I would have told him no, he couldnt have them if going getting drunk was more important than seeing his kids.

The girlfriend wasnt there, so is there a guarantee she WILL be there tonight?

youarekidding · 16/07/2011 20:42

norks love your name it just made me snort pepsi. Grin

Sirzy · 16/07/2011 20:45

I rarely drink because of the "what if" scenario. (last week i did and we ended up being rushed to hospital it was an ambulance job anyway but otherwise would have been a PITA waiting for a taxi here on a saturday night)

As long as you felt comfy they were safe (as comfy as you could in that situation anyway) then I dont think you were being unreasonable. If you had said no then your DD would have hated you for the situation rather than her father who would have been to blame.

From what you have said it sounds like (unfortunatly) your eldest is all to aware of what he is like, does she have a mobile phone? If not perhaps worth considering if this becomes a regular arrangement (them staying over) so if there is any issues she can easily get in touch with you?

Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:45

pinklizzie, was a very hard decision to let them stay. DD1 just looked so devastated, just felt her heart breaking into little pieces, and think DD2 would have been in bits. She was looking at me behind his back mouthing "please mum, please". I couldnt bear to disappoint them. It was awful when it happened last time.
DD1 has her phone, we had already had a conversation, if she felt worried, unsafe, worried about DD2, to call me and I would get them, I am only 10 mins away, and I'm not drinking.Luckily she is a rather wonderful, sensible, bright girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:48

squeaky, he drinks every day. Last time this happened, I told him, if he was drunk he could not have them overnight. Suffice to say, he is utterley unreasonable and incapable of a sensible discussion. He told them they were staying before talking to me about it. He doesnt actually talk to me.
He works away and with any luck will be buggering off soon for a few months.

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 16/07/2011 20:48

Yes, I often go out for a few drinks with friends on a Sunday when Ex has the DC. I then have them alone when he returns them from contact.
I don't get fall down drunk and am more than capable of caring for them.

I think that maybe your exs drinking problem during your marriage has made you feel it is totally unacceptable for any parent to be drinking when in sole charge of dc. Which is totally understandable. I do think YANBU about the situation you were in but I do think that if your beliefs on the subject are so strong then YABU to have left your dc there.

And like or not you are judging others by your standards

Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:49

sirzy, xpost, she has a phone really only used when they are with him sadly. She has texted me, GF is there, they are ok.

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 16/07/2011 20:50

Only telling the truth youarekidding :) glad you like it

Sorry for hijack

TidyDancer · 16/07/2011 20:51

Having survived a childhood with an alcoholic father, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have left them there with him. I know that's not going to make you feel any better right now, but it really wasn't good being me at either of your DD's ages.

I think perhaps if he's going to have them overnight in the future, he has to have them during the day. If he's any kind of parent (my dad wasn't), he will curb it to look after them during daylight hours.

Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:51

norks I'm not judging you, I assume you feel safe to look after your DC, but he is not the primary carer (he has never had Dd2 overnight). Would you be happy leaving your DC with someone who had been drinking all afternoon?

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:53

Tidy, sadly I know you are right, I just did not have it in me to take them away. How often were you with your father, because I very much suspect this will not be a regular occurence, and if it does, then there will be some ground rules or it wont happen.

OP posts:
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 20:54

i have to say that my ex is a functioning alcoholic mostly, he drinks every day but i have a cut off point of when i think he would be incapable to do things for the kids and if he turns up here in that state it is a straight no. anything else is usual a withering look, a have you been to the pub. him telling me he has had one. my ass and the he goes leaving me feeling angry and like an idiot.
angry that he cant stay sober even for the few hours he is with our lovely children and they say things to me like they like it when daddy smells of beer because he is nicer. and an idiot because there is fuck all i can do about it and i picked and stayed with him for so long.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 16/07/2011 20:54

I don't approve of much drinking at all around DCs, other than maybe one with a meal. But then DH and I don't drink (more due to fussiness/medication/allergy than any moral reason) - so I am admittedly pretty harsh about it.

Alcohol aside he does sound like a total arse, it's not just the drinking, does he actually care that much at all? Is there a particular reason it's taken so long to have an overnight visit?

Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:56

Yup spook, thats it really, feel like an idiot because I just didnt know what to do, and he put me in the situation of having to be the bad one. I guess I knew he would be ok function wise, bt why the fuck did he have to drink today.

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 20:57

Fuzzy, he really just cannot be bothered. I thought perhaps he was showing some interest. But Dd1 told me she had asked him if they could stay and kept asking till he said yes :(

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 16/07/2011 21:02

No Macdoodle, I wouldn't have left Dc with someone who didn't know them very well who had been drinking all afternoon, hence I said YABU to have left them there especially with your view on drinking.
On the other hand DD is at a sleepover tonight and I know the parents will be drinking.

Really you are the only person knowing your ex who can really judge the situation correctly.

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 21:04

it doesnt matter what will be going on he will always find a reason, he has had a good day or a bad day, a row with his girl friend, a visit from his kids an addict will always have a reason to go and have a chat and beer with his "friends" (other drunks).

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 21:05

if you dont mind me asking how old are your dd's?

TidyDancer · 16/07/2011 21:06

My parents were actually still married into my teenage years, so most nights both parents were present. The worst was probably when I was about five or six, my mum worked nights for a few months, and I was often afraid to be left with my father during that period. He was verbally abusive when he was drinking, would not feed us (I have a number of siblings), we were left to take ourselves to bed, etc. I genuinely do not believe my mum knew even the slightest of what was going on when she wasn't there.

Again, I'm sorry, I don't think I'm making you feel any better. :(

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 21:10

thats horrible tidy, unfortunately my ex would be more horrible when not drinking than when drunk but could never say he was abusive. i hope thats the same for your ex op.

Original poster
macdoodle · 16/07/2011 21:13

My ex was abusive to me, worse when drunk, but has never been to the girls (other than quite emotionally manipulative). I have absolutely no doubt in my mind DD1 would ring me if she was worried, we have a very good relationship. She's more annoyed that his GF is there so she doesnt get to spend any time with him by herself.
They are 10 (almost) and 3 and a half.

OP posts:
oldraver · 16/07/2011 21:18

What are you asking IANBU about ? His inability to stay out of the pub long enough to be sober enough to look after his kids (by saying he thought you had arranged 6pm, I assume it was earlier ?) Or the fact you left them with him ?

I would say you both ABU. No amount of pleading would let me leave my children with someone who had drunk that amount.

I do drink (I am at the moment) with my DC in the house, but no enough to make me incapable of looking after them, yes probably too much to drive ( I think even one or two is too much for me) but I would make other arrangements

I'm sorry but I think you are condoning his behaviour by leaving them with him

oldraver · 16/07/2011 21:21

I just didnt know what to do, and he put me in the situation of having to be the bad one

Why on earth would you of been the bad one ? you would of been protecting your children