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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do i let him shout at them

25 replies

brunettemum83 · 14/07/2011 19:06

Hi me and my partner are getting married in 3 weeks and although have had our problems in the past they have always got sorted out but this one is deeper ,i have 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7 , me and him had very different upbringings mine was relaxed with very few boundaries and i did as i wanted i grew up with no problems he had a strict one his mum would smack him and he would have everything he liked taken away Here is where the problem lies my girls have had my kind of upbringing im relaxed but firm, they have rules to follow but are still very much allowed to be children, a messy bedroom doesn't bother me they are the ones who have to play in there. but he goes mad shouts at them to clean up it seems like he is on there case about everything its so hard for me to sit back while he shouts at my kids but i know sometimes they need the discipline i have tried talking to him about it he says there disrespectful and rude everyone else says there perfectly behaved and polite, how do i explain that he needs to calm down we have had major rows before involving the kids as i wont have them getting upsett by him but at the same time they use this to there advantage when they get in trouble for something they cry knowing that i find it hard not to say something to him what do i do i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place my kids are my life but i love him to bits

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 14/07/2011 19:08

Life or love then in very simple terms.

It seems that you say you are firm when needs me so they are getting the discipline they need so they don't need more from him.

Just to answer your title my simple answer would be no as it seems he is going too far.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2011 19:12

Easy. Don't marry a man that bullies you and your children just because you're frightened of being alone....

BabyDubsEverywhere · 14/07/2011 19:15

Hmm, awkward situation i spose but you need to put some boundries in with everyones agreement, sounds like you may need to get a bit 'firmer' and he needs to relax a bit. Also, you could really do with sorting this asap...and be in agreement about it all. Whats gong to happen if you have children together, he may well feel that he will have more right to parent as he pleases then, and i suppose he will be right really. Your styles sound very different you need to be on the same page before that happens i think.

mo3d · 14/07/2011 19:16

If he's always shouting, then no you shouldn't let him. If parent always shout, it has no impact in the end because it's what the children become used to. That's a vicious circle.

You and your dp need to sort this out together. To come to a solution together, that you're both happy with and feel you can follow through. You have to be a unit and show that what you say as a couple is law. Children will always try and play one parent off against another, and that's why you have to agree on what is and isn't acceptable when disciplining them.

michglas · 14/07/2011 19:16

OMG why would you marry a man who bullies your children like that, do you want your children to grow up hating you for condeming them to a life of misery?

Original poster

brunettemum83 · 14/07/2011 19:17

Im not frighted of being alone at all and i dont think its fair to say he bullies us he is not aggressive just shouts and tells them of there not scared of him its just as there mother i wanted to know how you deal with another person telling of your kids

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 14/07/2011 19:18

Put your DCs first-it will only get worse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2011 19:22

Listen to yourself..... 'shouting' = 'aggressive'. Doesn't listen when you talk to him about it. Has your children in tears. Is 'on their case' about every little thing.... he's a real man isn't he? Going after little kids like that?...

I'm a mother and I have no objections to someone telling my DS he's out of line. But if they were to shout at him and reduce him to tears I'd tell them to fuck off...

InPraiseOfBacchus · 14/07/2011 19:24

Shouting is NOT discipline. It's intimidation. It's not OK to intimidate a fellow adult like that, is it? So why is it OK to do it to a powerless child? Would you stay with him if he treated his friends this way? Would you stay with him if he treated people in the street this way?

If it's a big problem now, it will be a BIGGER problem later. Either this stops (NO compromise) or, for all your sakes, he leaves. You will lose all respect from your children if they see you as the one letting this happen to them.

Original poster

brunettemum83 · 14/07/2011 19:26

Hmm i never really saw it like that maybe because i have been in a what i would consider a aggressive relationship (violent) before in comparison this a bed of roses i think i will sit him down tonight and talk to him i never looked at him as a bully but i guess from everyone here says i must be blind

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 14/07/2011 19:32

He's not just another person though is he?

He's going to be their stepfather.

He will tell them off and get cross sometimes.

We all do.

It doesn't sound like you've really talked about how you're both going to bring the DC up together and what things bother him that don't necessarily bother you.

He's fitting in to their lives,they didn't ask him to fit into theirs....you did that.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 14/07/2011 19:36

Im quite shouty

I am not a bully, Im just a loud person. you can shouter without being agressive. What is he like the rest of the time? Is he quite loud when hes playful too? I am, always making up daft rhymes with them and shouting them about the house, or throwing them in the air and spinning them round with loud 'whoopity whoopity whoop' noises. If he is very negative and shouty i can see how thats a problem, but some of us just have big mouths

TheOriginalFAB · 14/07/2011 19:55

Bur you didn't ask how people deal with someone else telling off your children. You said "do I let him shout at them."

alew · 14/07/2011 20:06

You are marrying the guy. Do you want him to be their dad? If you do (or if you don't) you need to decide what the rules are before you get married.

oohjarWhatsit · 14/07/2011 20:35

i wouldnt let anyone shout at my dogs let alone my children, its not necessary

Rebecca41 · 14/07/2011 20:38

He sounds out of order to me. I wouldn't let anyone do that to my kids. And as well as upsetting your children, it also undermines your own parenting style. You've chosen to bring them up a certain way, he has no right to challenge that without your agreement. I'd be worried the children will think you've chosen him and his needs over them and their needs.

reelingintheyears · 14/07/2011 20:42

' i wanted to know how you deal with another person telling of your kids'

TheOriginalFab..

She did ask that.

Stillchuckingit · 14/07/2011 20:56

I don't think he's necessarily a bully because he shouts. The way he was brought up was different to the way the op was brought up - that's all. I am quite shouty (my ma was too) but it all blows over in seconds and clears the air. (Am not defending it as the ideal btw - absolutely not)

And it's a massive leap to suggest brunettemum83 is afraid of being on her own. I don't read her op like that at all.

You could interpret it that this is his way of involving himself with the dc and that he cares ifyswim (not a good way of showing it obviously)

If you look at it one way, you could say that the op and her dh-to-be are well matched - he is overly strict, she is a bit on the relaxed side = her dc getting the right balance.

However, however: if this issue is a constant source of tension then it needs to be sorted out before you marry as it is obviously not going to get easier as the dd grow and hit puberty.

I would suggest you go for pre-marriage counselling: either to a licensed psychologist, relationship counsellor, local priest or vicar or some such.

lunar1 · 14/07/2011 22:42

Can you delay the wedding, this needs sorting out before. he might be right for you bet it doesn't sound like he is for your children. i really feel sorry for them.

lunar1 · 14/07/2011 22:43

but not bet

MissVerinder · 14/07/2011 22:46

Your 11yo will start kicking back one way or another- be mindful of this.

Lucyinthepie · 14/07/2011 23:45

I've been the child on the recieving end of this. What you need to bear in mind is that, not only is he imposing his view of how they should be brought up on you and your daughters, he is doing it from the point of view of someone who doesn't have a great emotional attachment to them. Put bluntly, he doesn't do it from the starting point of loving them.
You say you are going to sit him down and talk to him. Well, if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you always got. You've already talked to him and he's ignored you. He's obviously been quite forceful about that because you're not brave/comfortable enough to step in and stop him when you know full well he is being unreasonable and aggressive to your children.
You can't sort this out in 3 weeks, sorry to be blunt, but you simply can't. Even if you managed to have a serious talk with him now, and he said he'd take notice, and then changed his ways - how can you know if that will last or if he's on his best behaviour until after the wedding?
Am I being harsh? I don't know, all I know is the misery I went through as a child in very similar circumstances to this. I had a terrible relationship with my stepdad and it tainted the way I felt about my lovely mum because she didn't (or wasn't able to) protect me. I spent most of my childhood trying to avoid the next confrontation.

You wouldn't be asking us about this if you thought his behaviour was reasonable and fair.

alew · 14/07/2011 23:57

I have a step dad. He shouted at us. He also shouted at my step brother. He still loved us all. And he brought us up as his own. That is commendable to anyone.
At the same time two parents bringing up a child is about partnership, and agreeing, for the sake of the children involved, where you stand, as a couple on the discipline front, you need to be united. OP, Your children have already figured out that if they cry, you will stick up for them. Your OH must feel very unsupported.
I think you need to sit down with OH and decide together how you are going to bring up your children together.

cestlavielife · 14/07/2011 23:58

it isnt about you "letting " him or not - you cant control him - but whether he can agree to control his behaviour and not shout/be aggressive. he is the only one who can decide if he lets it all out by shouting or by other means, explaininng things calmly etc. does he shout at work too? at people in shops/in the street when they annoy him? at his friends? at you?

my exP was brought up in a shouty household, never allowed to be messy etc and that showed later on with the DC, we could never do messy play etc.

does he think shouting is bad? does he apologise? or does he think they deserve it? does he shout at you?

he "goes mad shouts" over a messy bedroom? how will he deal with teenagers?

dont marry him... until you sure you know what you getting into - for your dds sake.

fusia · 15/07/2011 00:29

i'm a stepmum.on 2/3 occasions in past year or so i've had to shout at my 12yr old stepson as he has been jealous and unfair/nasty to my 7yr old son who has SNs.step son gets no discipline from either parent.while my dh will shout at our kids for anything and everything,he'll never say boo to his other kids.very frustrating as it means if they're out of line in our house i have to be the "wicked step-mother" and sort it out.but thats just down to sheer laziness on my dh's side,and i suspect he feels guilty disciplining them as he hardly does anything with them and leaves their care and entertainment up to me when they stay.
if he's doing it all the time i would say this is totally unexceptable-you're their parent and have been from day 1 and you could say although you appreciate his support with bringing up your children it is mainly up to you how this is done.don't allow his parents mistakes to be rubbed off on your kids.ask him how he felt as a kid when he was treated like that and consider how your children must be feeling.i'm sure it's a solvable problem but does need addressed asap.

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