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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sad that DH went out last night?

24 replies

Liliesandroses · 14/07/2011 11:27

I can't work out whether IABU or whether DH has been a bit shit.

Every week, DH goes out with some mates to play jazz together in an old warehouse nearby (where they can be as noisy as they want). They usually start around 9:30 and finish around midnight / 1 o'clock. (Being this late home on a school night would floor me but DH seems to be fine with it)!

Last night was the jazz night this week.

However, in the last ten days, I have had a really shite time:

  • Our first cycle of IVF was cancelled
  • I lost my job
  • My uncle, who has always meant a lot to me, died

Yesterday was my uncle's funeral; DH couldn't come because of work (which I totally get) but when I got home, I was a mess. Everything got on top of me and I was emotionally and physically shattered.

I really just wanted some company, just to have someone in the house so I wasn't alone. I know that sounds weak but I just needed some support.

I asked DH if he'd stay in with me but he told me i was being totally unreasonable and that he couldn't possibly miss his weekly jazz night and how dare I even ask.

So he left.

I am now in a foul mood with him as well as being sad about everything else.

Do i just need to get a grip and get over it?

Any thoughts gratefully received and thank you for reading Smile

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 14/07/2011 11:28

YANBU.

sorry about your shitty week.

basingstoke · 14/07/2011 11:33

YANBU

And sorry about your uncle and the other crappy stuff

M0naLisa · 14/07/2011 11:33

Yes he is BU and your not.

sorry about your crap week.

unmumsnetty {{hug}}

squeakytoy · 14/07/2011 11:35

Under those circumstances no, you are not being unreasonable, and he is being a selfish arse. Sorry for your loss.

queenrollo · 14/07/2011 11:41

of course you're not being unreasonable.

What does he play? would you like me to come round and shove his clarinet/trumpet/drum sticks up his nose?

Original poster
Liliesandroses · 14/07/2011 11:48

Oh thank you, you are all v kind. Made me feel much saner and less alone.

Queen he plays the clarinet and sax - one for each nostril? Grin

OP posts:
CamperFan · 14/07/2011 11:49

YANBU - he sounds like a pig tbh. Who wouldn't want some support after going to a funeral Sad

NevermindtheNargles · 14/07/2011 11:53

He was being incredibly selfish. Is it possible that he is feeling a bit low as well though and this is his outlet? Doesn't excuse him refusing to support you when you asked for it though, he was being a shitbag.

Sending hugs and Brew \ Wine

NevermindtheNargles · 14/07/2011 11:53

He was being incredibly selfish. Is it possible that he is feeling a bit low as well though and this is his outlet? Doesn't excuse him refusing to support you when you asked for it though, he was being a shitbag.

Sending hugs and Brew \ Wine

nomoreheels · 14/07/2011 12:03

Horrible behaviour from your DH. Mine would cancel a social event like that without even being asked to!

Sorry about your crappy week too, hope things look up for you soon too.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/07/2011 12:08

What an insensitive arse!

Pancakeflipper · 14/07/2011 12:13

You've had a shit week. He's also had a shit week. Possibly not as bad as yours but all those 3 things have an affect on him too. And perhaps this Jazz night is his stress release and in a shitty week he was looking forward to it so much?

But if he told you your were unreasonable in asking him not to go - then that's unfair.

keysinthefridge · 14/07/2011 12:35

YANBU

But in my humble experience (of doing the exact opposite of what I am going to advise - and ending up single) I think it is important to avoid accusations and justice-led arguments of "right" and "wrong" and simply say to him that whatever may or may not be acceptable doesn't change how you feel and that you needed his support because you love him and need his love when such heartbreaking things have happened to you.

Contrary to opinions in Men are from Mars... I don't think Men like to feel needed - I think it scares them. And as Pancake said, maybe he felt the need to have a release.

So rather than saying "I needed you and you weren't there you b**tard" (not that you would - but I would Grin ) maybe you could tell him gently that you had needed a shoulder to cry on and ask him how he would have preferred you to ask for that shoulder to be his one. (Would it have helped if you had pre-planned a night in together, given that he wouldn't be able to attend the funeral with you?)

Have you argued about these nights before? Or are you generally supportive of them? If the latter, point this out: "you know I support your night out and wouldn't normally ask this of you" (tone of voice important!)

I hope this doesn't all sound terribly unfeminist, but I do think it is better for us (women) to be able to say gently but strongly: you are not obliged to do this, but I would really like it/it would mean a lot to me if you did.

Rambly, but hopefully of some help? Really sorry for you - must be very painful.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2011 13:09

Hmmm well I'd be looking at whether this is the sort of man I could rely on to support me. Now is a difficult time for you and he's just not there, is he? What about when you have children? Will you have to act alone when things get tough?

Hufflepuzzpig · 14/07/2011 13:39

YANBU. Family, especially at stressful times like this, comes before a hobby or night out with mates. He was really insensitive.

FYI - clarinet/sax reeds REALLY hurt when they dig in under your fingernails.

Just sayin' :o

revolutionscoop · 14/07/2011 13:58

He sounds very inconsiderate YANBU

bubblesincoffee · 14/07/2011 14:25

YANBU at all, he should have supported you.

My dh wanted to go to a boys weekend thing next Friday, he had the choice to either go Friday night or Saturday morning but I told him I would probably be a bit of a mess on the Friday because my youngest is having his last day at preschool and my oldest is having his last day at primary school. So he's going on Saturday morning.

But he got me a shit b'day present, so he's only perfect some of the time!

Sorry you've had a crap week, I hope you are ok.

WhoAteMySnickers · 14/07/2011 14:33

Did you explain to your DH why you wanted him to stay in with you? If so then YANBU.

The thing is that nobody is a mindreader. Does he know how badly everything that is going on has affected you (even though it would seem totally obvious to most people)?

donna84 · 14/07/2011 14:48

YANBU. Men are rubbish at emotional stuff. At least mine is. I just buried my mum. I was sat at the computer with tears rolling down my face and he asked me if I had been watching something sad.

skybluepearl · 14/07/2011 15:05

just when you needed some support he wasn't there for you. sending you big hugs. is there anything nice you can do for yourself or anywhere nice outside you can go?

LeQueen · 14/07/2011 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Liliesandroses · 15/07/2011 08:40

Thank you so much for all your posts!

Really good advice and perspectives. It is hard because he's usually great, but is unbelievably shite at emotional support. Very interesting points about men feeling threatened by being needed, I thought it was just him!

I got quite miserable moping about at home so went out for dinner with some lovely friends and had a good rant... So I'm feeling much better this morning, apart from the hangover! I think I might try and find an appropriate moment to have a chat with DH.

Thank you all again for your thoughts Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Liliesandroses · 15/07/2011 08:42

And Donna I am sorry hear about your mum, have a Brew and a {{{hug}}}

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 15/07/2011 09:42

I can't see the point in having a partner if you can't rely on them to support you when it really matters. Not sure how he can be 'usually great' if he's also 'unbelievably shite at emotional support'. It's horrible that you have to get that support from other people because he won't be there for you. Am wondering what's the point of him really and I think I'd be worried about his level of commitment if you have a baby/get ill/insert problem of choice later on.

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