Feeling manipulated by in-laws

[thevicky]

Having 'lurked' for a while on these forums, I know that my problem/rant is in no way as serious as some faced by fellow Mumsnetters, but I could do with a bit of feedback.

To give you a bit of background, I've always had reservations about my in-laws but put them down to the fact that all families are different. We live 200 miles apart. In the past, they've been pretty thoughtless, demanding that we go up to stay then having nowhere for us to sleep, or sending us straight out for a takeaway after our five-hour drive up. When our DS was born in March they came down to visit and refused to make room for me on the sofa, leaving me to sit on the floor - no joke three days after giving birth and with 2nd degree stitches - ouch!

They now visit us every three/four weekends, at very short notice. These visits revolve around our son, which is fine, but they have no respect for his routine or for us, and we're simply expected to spend the day running around after them.

We finally said no to this weekend's visit as we'd been looking forward to seeing some friends and can't keep putting our lives on hold. My FIL responded by calling us three times, asking again and again why we couldn't see them. My husband finally had a pleading call asking for just an hour of our time and felt so guilty he agreed, and so once again, my in-laws come first.

I know that I shouldn't complain about them wanting to see my DS as it's great that he's getting to know his grandparents, but I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm also angry with my husband for not having the courage to stand up to them. Most of all, I feel terribly manipulated by my inlaws. This just doesn't feel like normal behaviour.

Am I being a bit of a moany cow, or am I dealing with crazy people? I'm beginning to wonder...?

OP, I think we might be related, or at least that my PIL's have a secret set of clones somewhere.

I've had the same thing, phone calls filled with weeping and "but why can't we visit...but where are you going...well you can still go and we'll sit in the car outside your house until you come home...but why...we are so upset..."

Usually those phone calls are followed by angry ones to DH. "You've upset your mother...she wants to...why can't she...you know she gets upset...you are no son of mine..."

We have virtually no contact with them anymore.

This behaviour got worse and worse. We were also ovre 200 miles away from them at first but eventually we ended up living on adjoining streets when they moved back to our hometown and this coincided with an explosion of controlling and manipulative behavior and some unforgivable nasty comments.

We were unable to walk to the shops because if we passed their house without calling in they would cry and shout and demand to know why we were "avoiding" them. They kerb crawled after me for a mile as I walked home from the supermarket with LO one day. They parked outside the house and stared at it to try and catch us going in or out. DH works away a lot so I was on my own and feeling really intimidated. I would keep all the downstairs curtains closed for days on end.

In the end we sold up and moved.

I don't really know what to suggest. We tried to talk to my PIL's as though they were normal rational people and they would seem to take it all on board but they would then try to find a way to turn things around and get what they wanted after all. It was like playing a really complicated game of chess.

And in the end when nothing worked I finally put my foot down and refused to see them. DH still took LO for awhile but it drove them mad that they were unable to just turn up at our house as and when they felt like it and they kept doing things to get their own way but all they achieved was to make the situation even worse. Before I took that stand, nobody in the family had ever confronted MIL about her manipulative ways or FIL about his role in helping her to control her family though tantrums and weeping. If anyone ever did have a falling out with her they usually ended up apologising because it's so ingrained in them that she has to be allowed to behave in this way because of her depression and hard life etc (no harder than many other people's, four kids and not much money).

Even DH doesn't really see or speak to them now. The last time they rang, last week sometime, he ignored the call and said that he didn't want to speak to his mother because she isn't capable of having a normal or happy conversation and he feels like every time she rings up it is to weep and make the situation worse.

My own experiences may have coloured my view but I can see you getting to that point with your PILs. I tried for six years to ignore their ways and not let them bother me, then for two years more to put some of the worst things behind me. After eight years of it all though it was too much and the past two years of having little and eventually no contact with them have been a big relief to me.

Their manipulations and selfishness were mildly annoying at first but eventually drove me to depression and panic attacks.

I think you and your DH will have to come to an agreement about his parents and then stick to it. My PILs are very much the "divide and conquer" type and have many times deliberately tried to cause arguments between me and DH and get him to take their side against me.

However you decide to deal with your PILs, you have to be in agreement 100% and stick to it no matter how hard it is.

Surely they're not coming all that way just for an hour? The fact that they have settled for an hour, and the way they give you short notice, suggests to me that these weekends are convenient for them for some other reason and they want to see you as well. Selfish buggers. My parents come 200 miles as well and they do it just to see us and we arrange it together with plenty of notice. That's what your DH should be doing.

They sound awful. I can understand them wanting to see their grandson, of course, but their behaviour is very rude and odd. It's not as though you're denying them any contact (sounds like they actually see him quite frequently given the distance!), there's no reason for the constant phone calls and 'pleading' , that sounds really quite deranged.

As for making you sit on the floor while still recovering from giving birth (to their grandson) - that's really quite appalling, says a lot about how they see you and their (lack of) respect for you. I can hardly believe your DH would stand by and let that happen.

You need to have a serious talk with your DH, he's a grown man now with a family of his own, and you should come first. His parents are being very unreasonable and are manipulating him because they know they can.

my FIL visits about every three weeks for about 5 hours. At first he would call and sometimes say he was on his way, my DH asked him to give us notice. It is disruptive as it's always in a weekend and means we can't do anything else that whole day but now that he does ring us first I am happy for him to come as I do think it's important for DS to see him. So I think YAB a little unreasonable but then I think their behaviour towards you (not letting you have a seat) is horrible and should have been challenged.

Maybe your husband does need to stand up to them a bit but perhaps he should start doing it as it happens? So let them come every few weeks or so but if they are rude you or he should call them on it there and then.

you also need to just take charge and make sure your routine is not disrupted. My DS still has naps when FIL is here and he is fine with that. You need to make them respect it by taking charge basically and taking the baby off them saying firmly that he will be having a nap now etc.

I agree that they can only disrupt your son's routine if you let them If you firmly take control in your house they they'll have to go with your routine. Leaving parenthood until you're in your 30s is good from the not taking crap from parents and inlaws side of things. Suspect I'd have been much less assertive if I'd had my kids in my teens. My parents had also got used to me living apart and expecting to be treated like an adult, and having an active social life.
My inlaws have been fairly normal though, not sure I'd have married a bloke with parents like takethisones' husband. I'd have been terrified I'd never escape them. Sounds like he's done well to break free. It's sad how unnecessarily hard some women (like his mother) make their lives. If I lived in a permanent state of weepiness and wanting everyone to do things my wayness I'd be exhausted.

takethisoneherefoastart.... I feel your pain exactly, I have endured my PILs for 8 years, calling in unexpectedly when they feel like it, sometimes everyday and knocking kids off their routine, abusing the emergency key to create jobs for themselves when we are on holidays (MIL washing my dirty underwear.... needed counselling after that one. Also ringing 3 times a day even when they know I'm bathing the kids at 8pm (FIL will ring landline, mobile, landline, mobile, landline etc etc before giving up and then give me a lecture later about not answering phone and he could be dead and buried!!). I endured this for some time as DH was suffering depression and I really couldnt handle the confrontation, so it got worse and worse.

ILs lost their key and I made DH promise not to give them another, but he lent FIL his key for emergency purposes whilst we went on holiday 3 weeks ago.... guess what .. FIL got one cut without permission.

DH and I have argued greatly about this, he knows FIL is needy and manipulative but doent like to offend him. I hit the roof 3 weeks ago and they could tell by my negative 'no time for them' vibes I was peeved with them and I told them why. Same time DH told them never to call without ringing first and as planned they dont call so frequently and have been ring 1st. However, FIL now acting like a spoilt child who's sweets have been taken away and always having jibes that he needs to make an appointment.

Im dreading the mobile phone bill from holiday as FIL rang so much even though he was told we would ring him.... must have rang 10 times in 2 weeks. He had a go at me when we got home for only speaking to him once, I gave him a look that said 'so bloody what?'

I know they will be persistent and it will be an ongoing battle as they will want their way back, DH has agreed to keep them managed but I know that I'll have to manage him too. ILs are very generous (and we need the financial help right now) but they cant buy our time and have no right to control us either.

God I hate that dizzy when family members ring round every conceivable number over and over again and it's not actually an emergency in any normal rational sense.

takethisone and OP, your ILs are barking.

They sound pretty awful. My ILs are also a pain And want to see my baby every week which is too much for me but am made to feel guilty If they don't see her as am plagued with texts and calls saying how much try miss her (even kiss her photo every night before they sleep?!) but they wouldn't make me sit on the fricking floor! You poor thing.

What I do now is make shed loads of plans to block out our free time aand mother or fathers days (!) so they can come over only when it is convenient.

Dh should help you out with telling them not to upse the routine either. I get really angry when ILs come to play and wake my daughter up! Have told them now if they do test they can deal with the screaming after too (daughter's not mine!)...

Sorry for the delay in updating, but I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. As agreed, we saw our friends in the end, but left a little early to see the in-laws as well. Arrived home to find them waiting on the doorstep!

After an hour I put DS to bed and they promptly got up and left. I then told them that if they wanted to see him for longer in future they'd have to let us know their plans in advance. They murmured something about 'middle of August' as they shuffled out but I said that unless they gave us definite dates we couldn't guarantee we'd be around. Will be sticking to this - unless they let us know when they're coming, we won't be available. Don't expect any help from husband as he's never stood up to his parents in his life, but am determined to carry this out myself!

Highlight of the afternoon came when my mother-in-law removed her pop-socks, put them on the coffee table next to the biscuits, and proceeded to fiddle with her corn plasters in front of everyone!

Thanks again,
Vx

Oh heck Vicky you're a saint! Corn plasters?!

Good on you for being assertive!

Omg I think I vomited a little in my mouth!! Pop socks and corn plasters.......

Well done op, stick to your guns :)

well done for sticking up to hem they don't sond very nice at all. Am completetly shocked that your DH feels that it is ok for you to sit on the floor, next time they can round make sure you lay across the whole lenght of the sofa, so THEY have to sit on the floor.

thevicky - well done this is how I started with my ILs - took years to get DH on side but got there- rather than ranting about their behaviour afterwards actually getting them to change it.

Now have a very good relationship with them - think they finally understood if they worked with us we were more accommodating and ultimately they saw more of the DC. Still have to keep an eye out for them creeping back to the old ways - but hopefully that is all over with.

Hope you get the same result - eventually.