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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated with friend for not telling her daughter off

21 replies

mumramum · 13/07/2011 20:27

my friend came round to my house with her daughter and during the visit while i was breastfeeding my son her daughter ; helped herself to food from my cupboard, climbed on my daughters moses basket and climbed over me while i breastfed . i gently discouraged this behaviour but really was waiting for her to step up and tell her off - she was totally relaxed and didn't seem to notice! i don't know her well and she is actually a friend of a friend so don't feel comfortable being strict with her offspring- now i am very irritated that i wasn't stricter. do you get other peoples children into trouble in your house

OP posts:

TheMonster · 13/07/2011 20:32

I do now! I used to be really weak about it. I remember watchig in horror as someone's son jumped on my chairs with his shoes on and then threw a heavy toy behind the fireguard, smashing an ornament. The mum watched but didn't say anything. We are no longer friends and I am now very firm with all kids in my house and things are much better.

thisisyesterday · 13/07/2011 20:32

i would have said somehting to the child I think.
I've found sometimes, especially with people who are maybe not that confident with telling their kids off or with their parenting in general, that they look to you to lead when they are in your house. So it may be that she thought you didn't mind and that's why she said nothing?

that isn't to excuse it though, most people I know would stop their children doing all of those things, but it could explain why?

glassescase · 13/07/2011 20:33

A "friend" came for coffee while our Dcs were at school, bringing her pre schooler with her. He found DS's scoot along bike and I looked out to see him deliberately riding it to and fro across my newly planted flowere bed. When I protested, she looked out, laughed and made no attempt to get him to stop.

FabbyChic · 13/07/2011 20:33

If the kid had done that in my house I'd be saying Oi stop it Oi thats rude etc.,

HSMM · 13/07/2011 20:33

I used to hold back and say nothing. Now I have a my house my rules policy and I will tell children off (or praise them) in front of their parents.

itsastrawpoll · 13/07/2011 20:34

YANBU.

My cousin is very wealthy and has three daughters and they're allowed to run riot. They wrecked my Mum's house - damaged some things my Dad had brought back from abroad many years ago. When they were in the garden they knocked over a flower pot and their Mum said "oh don't worry, it's only a flower pot, it's not expensive".

It's not the cost that matters! Not that they offered to pay for it..

islawhiter · 13/07/2011 20:34

Seems like she only came round to let her daughter mess up your house instead of hers, praps she was so bored of her daughter she wanted you to take over and tell her off too and let her child have some free food and exercise at the same time, Im afraid she was taking the 'mick'.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 13/07/2011 20:36

I've just had a group of friends over for lunch. Two of the children were sitting on the new dining table and standing on the new dining chair with shoes on. I just firmly asked them to take their shoes off if standing on the chairs and get off the table and used 'the look'. All fine, my house my rules. Sodding irritating when people let them do that anyway.

squeakytoy · 13/07/2011 20:39

I would have said something... if you stay quiet, the mother assumes you are ok with it..

mumblejumble · 13/07/2011 20:52

I would have very forcefully told the mother to stop her child doing x,y and z.
Then I would have asked them to leave. If she isn't a very good friend anyway, at least you are not missing out on her idea of friendship.
I once had a friend who came to see me when I got home from hospital with ds2 after an emergency section. I sat on the bed trying to breastfeed my baby while her children ran riot demanding sweets and etc. I told them each time, that I only have fruit in the house for snacks.
Then then jumped on the bed which I couldn't tolerate. After a few hints the so-called friend still hadn't left. After 4 hours of this, I told her to leave. She never spoke to me again. I definitely don't miss her.

youarekidding · 13/07/2011 21:05

I have learnt the hard way to be harsh. One frequent visitor would do something she knew not OK, and just look at me and carry on when asked to stop and often look at her mum. Almost a go on then - stop me - dare you! look.

When I repeated what had been asked she'd go into mighty tantrum mode and have cuddles from mum to calm down. I started ignoring her and not even looking at her when she did this, or anytime she behaved badly.

Came to head one day when friend asked why I ignored her DD constantly. My reply was I was following her wishes for disapline - ignore the bad, and I would praise good when I saw it if she could just convince her DD to do as she was asked.

Things were arkward for a while until the day I said shoes off please before they leave hall and she did it straightaway. I praised her overly and she started to respond. Also think it helps that now shes 7yo and not 4/5 friend doesn't see the behaviours as cute anymore so is getting tough too.

YANBU

MsAnnThroppy · 13/07/2011 22:00

YANBU. DH's goddaughter behaves like this while her parents look on and do nothing. She is banned from most peoples' houses in DH's social group including our own - they will only meet up with her and her parents in the park. I just wish DH or one of his friends would grow a pair and have a word with the parents.

Catmint · 13/07/2011 22:27

YANBU. I sit here each night gazing at the stain on my curtains caused by someone else's child squashing chocolate icing into them while she smiled at him fondly. We don't have many other kids round but I'm determined to do 'my house, my rules' even if it gets awkward, because living with myself & the curtains has been so damned irritating.
I'm not remotely houseproud (I wish I was a bit more!), it is the principle.

vess · 13/07/2011 23:07

I thinh it's perfectly ok to tell visiting children what the rules in your house are, and to ask them kindly not to climb over the moses basket, for example.
Didn't you offer them any food and drink though? IMO it's bad manners to keep your guests hungry and thirsty, especially children.

graceandbeauty · 14/07/2011 00:28

Mumramum is it your first baby? You will probably find that with practice you can deal with other children in your house and help them to follow your house rules. I used to find this really hard but now I can do it confidently (after lots of frustrating experiences!). It can be tricky with good friends especially but I've found that after a couple of times the child in question becomes very good at following your rules, while possibly still giving their mum a very hard time (clever things, children....)

One of my good friends doesn't think it's a problem when her 3 yr old ds climbs on my coffee table to reach a nice ornament I had put out of reach, for example. He alse tried going in my fridge and into my 10 yr old dd's room and broke one of her photos, even though the door was closed. The first couple of times, when I realised my friend wasn't going to say anything, I told him firmly to get down. He lay on the floor wailing and she immediately comforted him. However now he listens to me and realises that he's not going to get away with the same behaviour as in his own house.

JamieAgain · 14/07/2011 06:00

Long-term it's hard to be friends with people who don't discipline/guide their children

BagofHolly · 14/07/2011 06:11

Oh your house your rules! That being said, it's hard to predict how far the mum will let things go, before you have to step in. I was at my friend's house and another mutual friend let her two year old pick up every cupcake on the plate, lick his fingers and touch the icing on each one. She watched him do it. I think she was so desensitised to the fact that we might not want cake with her son's saliva on that she just let him carry on! It was really awkward and the beautiful cakes just sat there, untouched, cos noone wanted them!

brass · 14/07/2011 10:34

I've told this story before but I had a friend whose DS broke an antique lamp (gift from DH's granny) and she did nothing

no telling him off
no apology
no offer of recompense

I only speak to her now if I can't avoid her at school. Her DS is the sort to spit at people and think it's funny, dig his fingers into cakes at a cake sale, you know the sort. She looks on smug and indulgent as though she is god's gift to parenting.

Needless to say they haven't been inside my house since.

brass · 14/07/2011 10:48

oh on another occasion he had smeared poo on the side of the sink. I don't understand how she didn't see it when she went up to help finish up and wash his hands.

DH came home and was the first person in the bathroom after they'd left - he shouted down 'Has X been here today!?' Then had to disinfect the place. What else had he been doing in there? Urgghh.

Her DD kept gettng threadworm and she kept blaming the school. I think she has really poor grasp of hygiene!! But to see her in the playground, she is the smug performance mum surrounded by lackeys, always posturing and la di dah-ing. Emperor's new clothes and all that.

oohjarWhatsit · 14/07/2011 10:57

OK, who wants to admit one of their kids is a nightmare and they do sod all to discipline them :)

its odd that its always them but never us

M0naLisa · 14/07/2011 11:29

Huff!! i actually geniuinly hate parents that think their 'little darlings' are the best children ever.

My friend has a little boy who is in the year above my 4.10yr old. Only because he was born in the July, rather than like my son who is a september baby. He has the mind set of a 2yr old. He is 5 and in reception, going into Year 1 this september.

The day of his party last year (he has birthday party every year, always packed, bouncing castle, massive cake etc etc)I was there first, got their early so i could help her with stuff, my friend had said he had being very naughty all day, not getting dressed for his party, kicking her, hitting her, back chatting, being nasty to his brother. then she said
'yesterday he was very naughty in town becuase i wouldnt buy him sweets adn toys. In the supermarket he was screaming and shouting saying he wanted this that and the other when mum was saying no, he poo'd himself.

She changed him

The next shop, cos she said no again to sweets. He poo'd himself again

she changed him again.

The last shop they went in he paddied because he wanted more new toys, she told him he had no chance and with that he poo'd himself again.

She made him walk home like it. (a fair walk tbh)

I said she did the right thing.

All this time she was telling me he was being nasty to her, shouting at her etc etc so i said, why not stop his party then, let all his friends come as it only 15mins before veryone got there, i said 'why not send him to bed?' and she said Because its his birthday.

just cos its his birthday doesnt give him the righ to act like a spoilt little brat. He needs disciplining and she knows it but she cant follow through with it.

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