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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my father's wedding?

24 replies

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 20:09

So apparently my dad is getting re-married.

I say "apparently" because, ...

a) The only reason why I know about this is because I just received an invitation to his wedding, which, ...

b) as per return address and handwriting was in fact sent by his fiancee, who ...

c) was an ex last time I heard anything about her, which, ...

d) is not something that anyone has ever assumed about my DH. Which is why I normally assume that invitations of this kind will be addressed to both of us.

My dad and I are not that close as my parents split up when I was around ten. However, we do speak on the phone and always meet when I'm in the country of my birth (though I usually stay with my mum).

So, AIBU to be a bit upset that my own dad did not bother to let me know he was getting married before sending invitations out to the general public?

Also, do I now have to ask if DH is also invited?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/07/2011 20:18

How often do you ring your dad to talk to him?

Onemorning · 13/07/2011 20:22

YANBU

My dad got remarried twice, and neglected to invite me and DS both times.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2011 20:22

I suppose that given you're not very close to your dad it's not too surprising he hasn't told you, but I can imagine why it'd hurt.

Could he have not said anything because he didn't know how you'd react if they had split up the last time you had contact?

Very weird about not inviting your DH, just fishing for reasons again, but could he just be presuming it would cover both of you? That wouldn't be normal for the UK, but possibly in a different culture...?

Have you met his DP? If you have how did you get on?

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 20:23

We speak about every three weeks or so, I'd reckon. Which always ends up being an hour or more. So it's not like we don't actually speak to each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 20:25

And, yes, it's completely possible that the invitation is supposed to cover both of us. It's not really that clear, given that my dad is not exactly a master of etiquette in general.

I feel weird calling him and asking if DH may also come to his wedding.

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 13/07/2011 20:25

However you feel, go if you can. You'll regret it one day if you don't.

itsastrawpoll · 13/07/2011 20:26

yanbu

BitOfFun · 13/07/2011 20:26

It's just weird. Could it be a strange stalker thing, and not a real wedding?

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 20:27

Stalker thing?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/07/2011 20:27

I would just ring him and say you got the invite, and are just checking that your husband is invited. If you cant ask blunt questions to your parents, who can you ask!

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2011 20:29

I think you'd have to ask about your DH though, that'd be awful if you both turned up to shocked faces and no provisions made for him.

At least you can make a decision on whether you want to go if you know for sure either way.

Tuppence2 · 13/07/2011 20:32

It could be worse... You could find out via facebook that your dad has remarried abroad and had a huge family party when they returned, when you didnt even know he had a partner! And the only reason you find out is because a photo from your brother's album pops up! I know we aren't that close, but i'm about as close to him as the brother who was invited!

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 20:36

Tuppence2: Ouch! Your dad sounds, um, very amiable!

So, asking him: how does one go about something like this then?

^"Oh, hi dad! This is your PFB calling. You know the one you always say you're so proud of? So, yeah, I got the invitation, congratulations!!!

May I just enquire if you were simply being unfamiliar-with-etiquette rude or proper not-inviting-son-in-law-to-your-wedding rude, then?"^

And WIBU to be really pissed off if he really forgot to invite DH?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 13/07/2011 20:48

If you spoke to him 3 weeks ago and this woman was an ex I'd be phoning him to check it's a real invite and telling him that I am disappointed he didn't phone to tell me he's back with x and has decided to marry her rather than leaving it to her to send an invite that doesn't invite my husband to the wedding.
Being a bloke shouldn't excuse his crap behaviour.
You could tell him that he'd have been disappointed if the first he knew of your wedding was a wedding invite that your husband had sent.

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 20:53

Well, that's where it gets a bit funky:

I did speak to him some two weeks ago. But the fiancee was not mntioned.

In fact, she was not mentioned since last summer, which was when she was an ex. Seeing as I'm out of the country and don't actually see who's around when we speak, I had assumed she still was.

Was-ex-is-now-a-fiancee kind of seemed worth mentioning to me, ...

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/07/2011 20:53

I suggest you give pa a call to congratulate him on his forthcoming nuptials and use the Royal 'We' - 'we' were delighted to receive an invitation and (insert name of dh) is particularly looking forward to meeting you again or some such blah blah, 'we' are planning to get time off work to attend, 'we' hope to arrive on..., may 'we' stay at yours or can you recommend a hotel for 'us' etc.

Just a thought - as the fiancee was an ex last time you heard, it could be that your pa will be as surprised by the invite as you were

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/07/2011 20:54

And, of course, RSVP in both of your names.

2rebecca · 13/07/2011 20:58

I find it odd that if she is so special to him she never came up in his phone calls. My dad is a widower but if he goes out to dinner with a female neighbour he is friendly with he usually mentionns it in his (far too) detailed list of what he has done and eaten since we last spoke.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2011 20:59

Good idea izzy, would nicely sidestep asking outright.

Can you think of any reason why he might not have told you such important news NADE, even though you talk to him regularly?

Could he be worried you'd pass on the info to someone he doesn't want to know (I'm thinking of your mum, but other family members perhaps)?

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 22:03

Izzy, I think that's a really good idea!

Tried to call my dad, no answer.

DSis has also had an invitation, though, and was also clueless so far.

Can't imagine him not wanting me to tell my mum/family. My parents are on friendly terms although they are divorced and my mum has said several times that she likes the fiancee and that she's good for my dad (before she was an ex). TBH the only reason I can think of why we would not tell me would be that I once asked him not to be constantly talking about fiancee's spiritualism stuff. She basically thinks she's a medium. So does my dad. As a skeptic I have my doubts.

I really doubt this could have been misconstrued as me not wanting to hear about her at all - I merely said I would like to hear more about what my dad was up to and less about the general spiritual energy level of the planet.

Also possibly the fact that I was majorly offended when he referred to DSis and me as his "biological family" and fiancee and her DS (not my dad's) as his "spiritual family". That was before she became an ex.

It's all a bit new-agey with my dad.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 13/07/2011 22:17

Wow, I would be really hurt if my dad referred to someone else as his spiritual family. Thankfully he's just C of E, although takes it very seriously these days.
I don't think I'd think any woman narcissistic and deluded enough to think the dead choose to communicate through her was good for my dad.

Original poster

NotADudeExactly · 13/07/2011 22:27

I don't think I'd think any woman narcissistic and deluded enough to think the dead choose to communicate through her was good for my dad.

Oh, it's not the dead. It's some kind of a being a being on a higher level of spiritual evolution who chooses to communicate with humankind to help us reach a higher level of awareness.

In fact, the rising spiritual energy of the planet is the cause of global warming. And there you unenlighted simpletons thought it was something to do with CO2.

Furthermore, Muslims are instinctively drawn towards violence and Jews towards money.

Need I expain why I did not wish to hear any more of this?

OP posts:

randommoment · 13/07/2011 22:33

How old is your dad? And how many children has he got? Reason is, my parents both routinely forget which of their five children they've told things to on the phone and which they haven't. So sometimes you hear the same story about the car breaking down three weeks in a row and other times no-one tells you that the dog's died, until you notice it isn't there when you visit at Christmas.

2rebecca · 14/07/2011 22:36

Has she been listening to the women's hour serial this week? I caught an episode of it today before work and then listened to the preceeding 3 on listen again. That's about a fictional cult in the 60s where a young lass gets messages from a spiritually aware being on another planet.
It explores the narcissism v delusional nature of believing you are special and singled out for these messages.
Your poor dad.

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