Have never posted on AIBU before but this subject is eating up at me and I can't get enough distance to see if IABU or not. I have altered some details so as not to out myself in RL but essentially what follows is the jist.Sorry this is so long. Please tell me what you think.
I am a Brit living abroad having married a local. I have a 4 year old son who is bilingual in English and the local language although his English is definitely stronger as he is home with me. We have a designated healthcare nurse for him who carries out all his vaccinations and yearly checks. The system here includes developmental checks from 1 year onwards. The child has to perform certain tasks and the nurse satisfies herself that all is well.
All was fine at 1, 1.5, 2 years. At our three year check the nurse was changed. Our present nurse doesn't speak English and the test is conducted in the local language. The three year test consisted of around 30 tasks. First some physical skills - throwing a ball, stacking blocks, pressing pop-ups. With some cajoling from me DS did these. Then the nurse brought out a book with line drawings and asked him to draw first a vertical, then horizontal, then zig zag lines. DS totally refused to cooperate with her . She then skipped to the picture identification tasks but he grabbed the book and tried to see a particular picture and became angry when she went through the verbal tasks - " What's this?" " Which picture is bigger?" " Which one doesn't belong"?. I can honestly say that he can do all these tasks if he wants to but unfortunately he stubbornly refuses to demonstrate this with the nurse.He failed this test and we were allowed to resit 2 months later.
At the resit the same scenario repeated itself. DS lost interest and refused utterly to cooperate with the nurse. She said that he had less than 5 out of 30 and if a child failed their check they should be referred to a psychologist. I felt this was unfair but weakly felt cowed and agreed. But I felt so bad and felt it was so unjust to my son that I phoned the nurse the next day and retracted the referral although she really pushed saying that she had wide experience etc and that this kind of failure needed investigation.
A year later we are back for our 4 year check. This time both my husband and I attend with our son. From the outset DS completely refused to cooperate with the nurse. He didn't want to leave the toys in the waiting room and had to be allowed to take a toy with him to the nurses room. Same scenario as before. DS completes the first task threading beads onto a small wire. He started to enjoy this. However then the nurse brought out the line drawing book and asked him to draw a circle, a vertical cross and a diagonal cross. He squiggled a bit and then asked for the beads back. We try to get him to draw but he says he doesn't want to. She moved onto the picture and verbal tasks but then he would not cooperate at all. Unfortunately he had a tantrum, he his worst behaviour for several months and right in front of this nurse.
She then said he had failed and recommended a psychologist referral. She said she was particularly worried by his behaviour in the waiting room as it was typical of a 2 year old to refuse to leave the toys but not a 4 year old. She said most 4 year olds don't even need their parents with them and complete the tasks on their own with her. She really pushed. I saw my husband was wavering and spoke to him briefly in English stating that we were happy with our son, DS's nursery group are happy with him. We then produced his nursery report ( he has 1 morning a week - it will be three in the autumn) and this seemed to quiten the nurse and she asked for the contact details of DS's nursery worker. We left the appointment agreeing to leave it at that and she will investigate further by speaking to the nursery worker.
I feel so angry and alone. The culture here is very placid, quiet , compliant and I know my son is a bit different (as am I) in that he, like me is very lively, loud, stubborn and determined. He can be hard work but he is a delight and we are so happy with him. Am I deluded? We had no real concerns and have had no complaints from his nursery and have not worried at all until these checks. Please help. I know that a child's own mother is probably the least impartial judge in the world.