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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with people who dominate the conversation...

55 replies

glassescase · 12/07/2011 16:44

Went for lunch with a group of friends from work, all ages from mid twenties to mid fifties, six of us in all. Two of them totally dominated the "conversation", with a third getting a bit of input. the rest of us had to resort to trying to interrupt their flow to have any chance to speak. If two people started to speak at the same time, and one of them was from the dominant pair, they would simply keep talking, ever louder, until the other person gave up. I find this to be incresingly the way it goes, these days, and end up resentfully eating my lunch listening to another long, boring tale about something/someone which does not interest me at all.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 13/07/2011 07:05

I do the same thing, joric.

Or I say 'So and so, what was it you were trying to say?' if I see someone being interrupted or not given a chance to talk.

I am a horrible interrupter and I know this so try to stop it with friends. In my family, if you don't interrupt, you never get to speak!!!

shocked2 · 13/07/2011 07:25

Hi - have friend who will tell endless stories about her children and will go on for 20 minutes all about the ins and outs of what happened blah blah - but somehow it is not possible to get the same airtime from her, it feels as if I am "allowed" to tell a story of my own but for less than 5 minutes tops before she goes back to herself .
The other annoying thing she does is once you have said your (short) piece, she doesn't ruminate upon what you have said, react to it, HAVE A CONVERSATION in other words..... she normally uses that as a springboard to relate directly to something that has happened to her or her children. I do like her children but I don't think she realises that everyone else does not find them as fascinating or funny as she does, some stories should be kept for her husband only, at least in the long lengthy version that she always offers.
She once invited me and another friend along for after dinner nibbles, and it was really noticeable how the other friend was a far more relaxing companion - she actually seemed to be listening to what I was saying and offering her thoughts about it. I do think conversation is a skill.
Over talkative friend is a kind person and I like getting together with her and her kids, but I do find her domineering and think that she likes me partly because I am a good/tolerant sounding board for her endless stories about herself, her opinions and her children. I try to avoid her in the playground at school pick up time as she will sometimes start talking to you and then (after you have stood there listening) say that she really has to go because she has to do whatever [hmmm] as if you are the one who has been keeping her whereas all I wanted to do was go and get my kids.
I don't know, I think it might stem from insecurity.

shocked2 · 13/07/2011 07:26

That was supposed to be !!

SilverSky · 13/07/2011 07:34

Or what about people who at every opportunity change the subject back to them?

They listen to your input to the conversation but are not really listening as they are not interested in your comments and don't even ask you any questions (eg they don't need or particularly want your input). May as well not be there!!! Down right rude!!

holyShmoley · 13/07/2011 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tee2072 · 13/07/2011 08:55

The issue is letting people get a word in edgewise at all. You may assume they will speak up but might be intiminated by your inability to stop talking and give them a chance. Or they don't want to meet rudeness with rudeness and interrupt you.

sausagesandmarmelade · 13/07/2011 08:56

It can be really annoying and rude...and I try not to do this myself.

Have to say....that I have seen it happen here on the forum too.

Hullygully · 13/07/2011 09:00

oh god it drives me insane. I have one friend who will phone/come round and talk for two hours with in depth analysis of every aspect of her life and then draw breath and say, "So how are you?" But it is so obvious she only does it because she understands that she should. I say, "Fine," because I know I won't be allowed to say anymore, and off she goes again.

She probably goes home and says how dull I am with nothing to say.

And I have another friend, one of a group, who gets pissed and talks incessantly, saying the same things over and over, anecdotes we all know, while we all yell, "We know! Shut up!" Last time, I put my hand over her mouth and sat on her and she just waited till I let her go and then carried on. You can't fight em.

holyShmoley · 13/07/2011 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 13/07/2011 09:08

Depends how well you know them. If you know them well and they are used to you, it's fine. If it's a new person it might sound a bit confrontational.

ZZZenAgain · 13/07/2011 09:10

it is bad manners to totally dominate a group meal, unless perhaps you are very, very funny. Occasionally I meet someone like that and it is bliss to laugh that much. Most people aren't that amusing for long stretches though.

I have to say, lovely as the pair were individually, I suffered most with a couple who would dissect their relationship in all kind of detail openly at every opportunity. Good for them, working so hard at it and they were quite funny at times but on the whole it was excruciating.

I remember the husband sighing once and saying to me in an aside :"marriage is really hard". I thought if they dissected it a bit less, they might enjoy it more. They had got together after both of their previous marriages failing.

sausagesandmarmelade · 13/07/2011 09:12

Yes, in a 'normal' situation holy it's fine to say that you don't hold that view....nothing wrong with speaking as you feel and I believe that people actually respect people who say what they really think (not to be confused with being rude, inconsiderate or preachy).

allegrageller · 13/07/2011 09:14

oh god this is probably me you're talking about :(

I am horribly loud and tend to rant/gabble

However I am interested in other people but probably too nosey and do not respect the correct boundaries

oh god I am the nightmare lunch companion! No wonder I have no mates :D

ZZZenAgain · 13/07/2011 09:20

I think the key is to remember to stop every now and then, breathe, eat something, leave a pause and see if someone fills it. If people want to say something, they don't stand up and wave their hands about but they do give you signals. Just have to occasionally remember to look forthem, then I think it is alright to be gabby.

Those situations where everyone is sitting around a table in silence and someone occasionally tries to start up something but it falls flat are also not great

EmmaBemma · 13/07/2011 09:26

I'm a very talkative person, especially if I'm nervous. But I do listen too and ask lots of questions and I wouldn't talk over anyone, though sometimes if I get a bit over-excited I have to remind myself to shut up! I think I'm quite self-aware, probably to the extent of being paranoid.

"The other annoying thing she does is once you have said your (short) piece, she doesn't ruminate upon what you have said, react to it, HAVE A CONVERSATION in other words..... she normally uses that as a springboard to relate directly to something that has happened to her or her children. "

See, I think most people, including me, do this to some extent! It's natural to bring up examples from your own life in a conversation, that's one of the ways people relate to each other. When someone brings up something that that chimes with your own experience, there's a sort of impulse to compare and contrast, isn't there. Conversations would be weirdly stilted affairs if people were only permitted to talk about themselves under direct questioning. But I see what you're saying, it is annoying when that's all someone ever does and they don't show any interest at all.

Allinabinbag · 13/07/2011 09:36

Six is a really bad number though, too many for personal chats in a small group, not enough that you can break up into groups easily without leaving someone out. I hate having a six-way conversation as obviously you will get much less time to speak than if there is just the two of you. If I thought someone was boring/couldn't get to speak/too many people, I would start a conversation with my neighbour at the table.

knittedbreast · 13/07/2011 10:40

sorry i dont think ive ever been in a conversation where i have been invited to comment by the speaker, that just seems really odd and more like a business meeting. coversations should ust flow naturally with pauses that fit and then other people talk.

if people are talking too much ust tell them so, im sure they will be very embarassed and take note

robingood19 · 13/07/2011 10:42

I dont mind if they clearly have expertise in the subject. Otherwise they are naff

alemci · 13/07/2011 10:45

I know alot of people like this. My step mum is like that and when we went out to eat and I tried to chat to my brother in law it wasn't possible.

I tend to keep quiet and listen but if I am with someone I really gel with then we both chat. There are always people who seem to have alot to say and drown out others.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 13/07/2011 10:53

MIL is the worst for this. Typical conversation between her and DD:

MIL: "So have you done anything good at school this week?
DD: "Well we went pond-dipping and I found ..."
MIL: "Oh look at that birdie! (DD is 9 ) That reminds me of a bird I saw ..."
DD "Grandma I was telling you about pond-dipping!"
MIL: "Don't interrupt Grandma, DD, that's very rude. Grandma was talking."

I find the only way to cope is just not to speak at all in her company!

Hullygully · 13/07/2011 10:58

yy Euphemia. I have a friend like this, I honestly want to kill her.

Purplegirlie · 13/07/2011 11:08

I had the "pleasure" of someone like this on Monday morning. Another mum from the school. I asked her how she was and wished I hadn't asked as I then had to endure a further 45 minutes of her talking at me about her health. I literally couldn't get a word in edgeways.

Reminds me of why I usually try to avoid her.....

Hullygully · 13/07/2011 11:09

Do they know what they do? How can they not? Don't they care? Or is it beyond their control?

Purplegirlie · 13/07/2011 11:36

I think people like that are just incredibly thick skinned, Hully. Thick skinned, selfish and attention seeking...

Orbinator · 13/07/2011 12:30

I know a girl who literally sings while you are talking to her. You're telling her something and she just glazes over and hums . Made me very self concious until I noticed she does it to everyone! Also if she doesn't know whatever topic (e.g major world event - Tsunami, etc) she just keeps saying loudly "Oh I don't really know anything about that" in the middle of your very first sentence on the subject and simply repeats it louder if someone else joins in. It's IMPOSSIBLE to have a conversation about anything other than her and her b.friend. Very draining.

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