Anyone else having to deal with Xmas yet? - copied from lone parent thread

[MIT1973]

Hi,
Am I being unreasonable?

I left my partner last year after lots of shouting, arguing, and bullying. I let him live in my house, rent free for a period up whilst he allegedly got sorted. Xmas last year I agreed he could spend Xmas eve at my house with our 3 year old, but he was so angry and nasty I left the house for a few hours whilst he calmed down, and then came home later to find his key in my door and I had to wake him up to get back in my house. (I must point out I hadn't been drinking and merely thought it best to get out of the house before the situation got worse in front of our daughter)
Since then he has lost his job, got a new one at a much lower salary, given me the sum total of £45 since Jan towards upkeep, oh, and ran up a £500 phone bill that he doesn't have the means to pay and therefore I have to cover it. I am not even going to go into the vitriol he has spouted, calling me a sl*g etc when he is angry and she is next to me and can see and hear all that he says.
his family live about 300 miles away in Scotland, and my daughter see's them once a year - if that.
He now advises me that he wants to take my daughter away from the 23rd Dec until the 27th Dec. I have said no, she doesn't know them well enough, there is no where for her to stay, and her Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and grand parents that she sees weekly will all be here.
I have no problem with hinm taking her to visit them any other time of year, but bearing in mind the complete lack of financial support, emotional support over the last year, and indeed means to transport her there other than a lenghthy train journey I am saying no. If they want to come to him at Xmas obv I will make arrangements so that they spend time with her, e.g. Xmas eve and Xmas day morn.
Am I being unreasonable?

no. stand your ground

Yanbu. Do not let him bully you into it either.

Why are you paying his phone bill?

You need to go through csa so you get some money from him.

Yanbu. Do not let him bully you into it either.

Why are you paying his phone bill?

You need to go through csa so you get some money from him.

Goodness no! Your DD will be really upset to be away from you at Christmas and with people she doesn't know. CSA CSA CSA CSA CSA CSA CSA CSA!!!!

YANBU at all. Why should he get the fun times when you have the gruelling task of being a lone parent day in, day out? Things like Christmas and birthdays should be for the main carer and the child, if nothing else as a reward for the hard work you have put in over the year.

My ExH took my DS (yes, MY ds) to his parents for his step-dads 50th birthday. IT happened to be my dad (who has DS 2 nights a week for me, with my mum) 60th the day after, the day ExH was due to bring DS home. Just to add, my dad is a sick man, and its quite significant he saw his 60th birthday.

ExH did everything in his power to ruin the day. He decided he would bring DS back when he wanted, not when I had asked. We wanted to wait for my DS before my dad had his cake, before we had our meal (big family thing that my mum had done). He was supposed to be home by 4 at the latest. ExH knew we were having a meal. He turned his phone off, as did every other member of his family, so I could not contact him.

He arrived at my parents house at 9.30pm clutching a happy meal.

That was the last time I have let ExH have DS overnight.

Your ex is not putting your child's feelings first - he wants the child for christmas, and thats all that matters. Your child will no doubt be much happier spending Christmas at home with mummy.

yadnbu-i have been divorced twice and have never allowed my dc's away from me at xmas,they want to be in their own familiar home and with family they see often,both my exes were just like yours,paid nothing and were abusive gits so i was lucky and they never asked.Stand your ground on this one.

If he can't pay his phone bill, how is he supposed to buy train tickets at the most expensive time of year???

YANBU at all. In fact you have been more than generous with your offer to let him have DD at his instead. I would keep her at yours Xmas morn and offer him a couple hours in the afternoon. It is very selfish of him to want to take DD away from her mum over Xmas. Take her out or have her for few hours-yes, take her away-no.

Thanks everyone for the messages. They have made me feel so confident and reassured that I am not being unreasonable and to stand my ground. god help me next year though!

Why can't his family come down to see her instead of her having to be taken to them? Apart from that he's being a total cock, I do generally feel that both parents should get to see their children at Christmas (if it's important to the family), but you could do that if he stayed nearby and took her round to his for a couple of hours to open presents there or something- ex and I did this last year. Obvs this is harder if he lives a long way away, though. Sorry, I'm being not very helpful!