To tell father he can't dump care of my mother on me like this and to demand more help.

[quesadilla]

Have name-changed as its all a bit close to home and this is long, sorry. I have a mother with dementia and a father who is both selfish and also in denial about the seriousness of her condition. He has arranged a trip to the other side of the world for 10 days in a couple of months to do research for a book he's writing and has asked me to look after her for the time he is away. I've tentatively agreed. (Until quite recently he was arranging trips like this without any warning and originally planned to leave her on her own with just a carer and neighbours popping in until it was pointed out to him that this was a recipe for disaster.) I have a 5 month-old baby and don't drive, my DH works full time and won't be able to help me for most of this. They live in a fairly remote place. I go there fairly regularly and my mother becomes much worse when her routine is disturbed or when he's not there. I'm basically happy to look after her in principle but a) I'm resentful of the fact that he thinks its OK to just head off just like that, leaving his very sick wife, basically indulge his desire to do a project and just assumes that his family will take up the slack. He doesn't really need the money from this book, just wants to do it to feel that he's still in the game. I'm also b) worried that I won't be able to cope, that something will happen which will make her condition worse or that his being away will tip her into a bad situation and I think he needs to come to terms with the fact that his days of jetting across the world at the drop of a hat are over. I'm considering telling him the deal is off and he needs to cancel the trip.
On the other hand, my father is finding it very stressful caring for my mother and quite lonely. I'm sympathetic to his situation and would really like for him to have a break from her. I just don't understand why it has to involve a long-haul flight and me having to drop everything to care for her for that long. AIBU?

can you go to a meeting with SS with your father and discuss the care now and longer term?

you said he doesnt need the money from the book which impies he hasmoney - so would he be happy to pay for private care while he away?

is up to you to say you cannot go every day while he awayand suggest he orgnises private care thru an agency so someone goe sin every day for a few hours.

but if he has agood reason to travel why not? may be his last chance to do so

you coudl say that while you agreed before, you realise now how much care is invovled and it wont work with your small babay - so dad, here is agency which provides caers locally, this is the cost per hour, we can book someone once a day /twice a day etc. I am happy to be emergency contact bu i can only visit once/twice per week while you away.

spell it out to him.
look up alternatives for him ie local care agencies - then let him decide how much he can afford to pay for care

or go via SS route (which may be means tested anyway)

look up crossroads care and carers uk in his lcoal area for links to SS and local care agencies

Elderly Mental Health, they 'deal' with all older persons mental health needs and decide what provision is needed.

They probably could do with a re-assessment, you can request this via care line.

It will involve having a proper talk with your DF.

It is cruel when a spouse develops a condition like this whilst the OH is still fit and well and wants to travel.

Birdsgottafly thanks, that's really helpful. I will talk to him about this. Part of the problem is that when I talk to him he says everything is in hand and it tends to later turn out that actually its not at all -- for example he's twice failed to tell me and my siblings that he's had a verbal diagnosis for her. So its not often possible to know what he's done and hasn't done. Could I over-ride him on this? surely if I go to EMH or social services they will tell me that he needs to be the one who contacts them? (as next of kin)
It is very cruel, and I feel enormously sorry for him. But in many ways he's his own worst enemy by refusing to face up to what's happening.

I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to speak with them, after all it is concern for your parent x

Sounds like arranging private care would be the answer, and that there is time for her to get used to the carer before he goes away. You could then visit of course to make sure everything is ok.

I imagine he needs a break. My BIL looks after/lives with my MIL who has severe dementia and it is bloody hard work - I find it hard enough when I deal with her for a few hours, I cannot imagine living with her and dealing with her all the time

Keep the 2 issues separate, if you put them together you do come across as controlling and mean and i wont change my opinion on that.

You need to have an honest conversation with him and say you cannot and will not look after your mum full time while he is gone. I am not saying at any point that you have to take on caring for your mum while he is gone, you need to leave him in no doubt that you will not be taking over while he is gone and that you think he could do with more help anyway even when he is home. Try asking him if you could go to the GP together to discuss the options in your area.

I have respite every 6 weeks for my grandma, usually she visits family for 5-7 days during that time. I love that she is able to stay with us but if anyone tried to tell me what i could do during her respite then they really would see my bitchy side. luckly my family have never tried to dictate my free time, not really sure why they would.

I wont post further on here as you have asked me not to. I honestly dont think i have been spiteful in saying that your dad should be allowed his holiday.

You may have to leave him to struggle and be blunt about what you are willing to do, as hard as that is.

It will be devastating for him when 'it hits home', that is what i think he is doing his best to ignore. Unless he has been a bit selfesh all of his life.

Try to remember that he has had your DM, as he knew her (and you also) taken off him.

You can get advice, if you feel there is a lack of care then they will speak to your DF, only in away to try to help and coax him round. The usual response to dementia is denial.

There is always a chance that he is feeling that if he gets 'officially' told exactly how much care he needs, then it would be wrong of him to go away at all. He might feel very guilty, but be torn over caring for his wife and abandoning his own life.

I think if you talk to him about this with or without proffessional assesment, you need to emphasise that it is ok for him to go away, as far away as he likes. I do think you are being unfair by expecting him to only go on 'local' trips.

If he's saying it's all in hand, which actually it is with regards to her verbal diagnosis, then perhaps you need to gently point out the practical things that are not in hand. The things that are about your Mum's day to day needs, and how they would both be much better off if she could have, for example, meals on wheels or whatever.

You haven't said exactly what/how much care you are going to be expected to give while he is away.

He is probably desperate for a break......

I don't see why he shouldn't be able to have some time to himself doing something that he enjoys. 10 days is not long in the grand scheme of things and he will come back refreshed and ready to start again.

If you feel that you are unable to commit to looking after her for that period of time then you should look into different options ("you" meaning yourself and your father). He needs support...and he needs help.

Another alternative would be a temporary place in a care home. Not ideal....but he needs to be allowed a proper break from time to time.

I think it sounds as if he needs a break. Get some professional advice and sit down and discuss it all with him so that he can get away, she is well cared for and you are not alone in the care, but have back up.

Is this your mother, or step mother, you are talking about? Very sad that your father has this burden (emotional and physical) all on his own. Couldn't you take driving lessons and be a bit more help.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, although it is understandable.

It is incredibly hard looking after a person with dementia, even more so if it is someone you love. I think that it is great that at his age he still has the mental faculties to be able to write (I don't even have that now in my thirties!). I can also well imagine that as he watches his wife slowly lose her capabilities he would fight tooth and nail to keep up his own mental health.

He has in some part recognised your mom's condition as he has approached you in advance for help - surely that is an improvement?

I'm not saying that you should have to provide all your mom's care for 10 days but that I don't think you should be calling your dad selfish and unreasonable. I would second getting paid carers in. It may upset your mom a bit but your dad (and you) need to have space to live your own lives as much as possible.

thanks everyone. I do take on board the points about his need for a break, I don't for a second begrudge him this, in fact I've actually asked him to take a break and I'm more than happy to help out, not quite sure why a couple of people feel that I want him to remain under lock and key for the rest of his natural life. I just feel there's been a) a lack of preparation on his part and b) a certain presumption that the family will handle it all and he doesn't really need to think about it beyond booking his tickets. But on the other point, about getting more care, some good points have been made here.

Surely you don't think it's unreasonable for him to think he could rely on his own family?

He asked you and you said yes!

You haven't come across like you want to keep him under lock and key at all, but it is unfair of you to say that he should only be going on holiday in Europe and the UK if he has the desire and the capability to go further afield.

Respite care- a couple of weeks in a residential home. it sounds as though he is not short of money and you could visit as much as possible.

Respite care in a home is not the only solution - a live in carer at home might be better as your mother would not get so disorientated - cost is usually about the same too OP PM me if you would like the name of one very good national agency ( no, I don't work for them, but I do work in the sector)

You need to start this process sooner rather than later if you are thinking about respite care.

Your DM will not be under the catagory of 'residentail' but EMI care, and places are limited, especially if you want her in your area.

You need to sort out with your DF your DM's exact diagnosis as if you are soley in charge while he is away, you need all of the details.

I think you need as a family to sit down with your father and express your concerns. I could be wrong but if she is otherwise fit and healthy I believe this could go on for 10 years or more ?
Shouting at her is unfair, burning the house down dreadful and the neighbors could have enough at any stage.

One thing to remember is that your dad manages to look after her day-in, day-out single handedly. Sure this means he's more used to it than you, he may well get annoyed with her and not appreciate the severity of your mum's condition being so close with her. But he is managing on a day-to-day basis, otherwise the official carer would be honour bound to step in and report it.

Also you mentioned there are informal carers in place... I'd find out what this consists of. Are they going to help with shopping or pop in more often whilst he's away?

Perhaps he has had enough and doesnt want to care for you mom any more. I dont think i would be capable of being a carer, it wouldnt be through lack of love, i just couldnt do it. Would she be better off in a residentail home permanently if shes already quite ill?