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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

can't work out why I feel resentful

21 replies

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 11:17

I think I'm having one of the those weeks, perhaps its the PMT kicking in, but here I go...

So my DH (very reasonably & lovingly) suggests that we need to take out sometime for 'us' everyday, once the kids are in bed and dinner and housework is out of the way. I know this suggestion is coming from months of months of him feeling like we don't have enough sex. I agree I suppose, but we've had a very busy six months which he understands.

He wants us to have this 'quality time' which he suggests should be something along the lines of watching something together/bit of chilling then sex (maybe, but most likely - his words ).

All this in theory sounds perfectly reasonable but why when this happened last night, did I feel so bloody put upon. been trying to work it out all morning. I should bloody well know why I feel pissed off. But, no - I can't. But I do. And no, I can't say he's a piss poor husband or doesnt help enough with the kids/housework etc...

God knows what I want help with, probably just need to think this out.

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 12/07/2011 11:19

Because it was planned rather than spontaneous? I don't think I'd be full of the joys knowing that my meal/wine/movie was going to be followed by a near-obligation to have sex.

BeerTricksPotter · 12/07/2011 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/07/2011 11:24

Absolutely the planning ruined the spontanaety (sp?)! If dinner and movie is just a means to an end it can all feel rather forced and unnatural and isn't relaxing at all.

piprabbit · 12/07/2011 11:24

I'm guessing that it is your DHs expectation that quality time = sex. He's not left you much room for negotiation about what quality time means for you.

It sounds like he thinks you are a sure thing - which isn't very flattering.

Original poster

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 11:25

you're probably right, but after discussing the lack of sex issue to death, we both did realise that while spontaneous is best, it means that we would hardly ever do it. something always takes priority or im too knackered by the end of the day.
its mutual that sex needed to be diaried(?) in so I can't blame that for feeling the way I do.

OP posts:

glassescase · 12/07/2011 11:26

God, I would feel the same. It makes you/sex part of a schedule and I would feel very resentful. It's as if you have not finished your chores for the day because you still have tv/chill/sex to do! Ugh!

tinysock · 12/07/2011 11:27

Sorry you feel so bad mountainmolehill, you sound very down on yourself. Do you maybe feel put upon trying to keep husband/baby/friends/inlaws happy? Are you feeling your knocking yourself out trying to look out for you them, keep the house nice and entertain them, but who's looking after you? Having children is tremendously hard work. Maybe you need to get out and have a manicure, a coffee and a good read and make time for yourself before you can make time for anybody else. If your husband is loving and helpful he'll understand. And make it a weekly thing, not a short term one.

Notinmykitchen · 12/07/2011 11:29

Is he expecting sex every night? I would certainly find that a bit much. Don't blame you for feeling resentful. Sounds like you need to have a chat with him. The quality time thing sounds like a good idea, but maybe you need to agree on a way of doing it that works for both of you. If you are anything like me if you don't talk to him about it you will end up biting his head off at the worst possible moment!

Original poster

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 11:31

pip - I am a sure thing, only as I feel guilty for how much he helps and supports me with no expectation. He's upfront and non-manipulative so I know that he does all that not so that he can get something out of it IYSWIM. God, I sound so mean.

I know he needs regular sex, and tbh I thought I would have no probs with that.

OP posts:

whattodoo · 12/07/2011 11:31

I agree with beertrick and piprabbit. While setting aside some regular time for the two of you to concentrate and enjoy your relationship can frequently be a good idea (I keep nagging my DP for the same!), it shouldn't be implied that sex should be the 'prize'.
And it seems as though the aim of this exercise is to fulfull your DP's needs, rather than using it as an opportunity for both of you to enjoy a relaxing time in whatever way either of you wishes. - Pip worded this better than me - what I mean is he gets his wishes fulfilled but hasn't asked or considered what you would like to do together as a couple?

Original poster

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 11:34

Not in my kitchen - LOL at 'If you are anything like me if you don't talk to him about it you will end up biting his head off at the worst possible moment!'

This is me!

thanks for all the replies, feeling much better already.

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Original poster

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 11:38

I do think we have similar ideas about how we'd like to spend time with one another. What he wants is not that far from what i want, maybe just a little more chat and less movie/tv gazing. he's more than happy to do that.

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piprabbit · 12/07/2011 11:42

It sounds as if you are saying that he is a man with needs and you feel guilty because he is helpful and supportive so you will fulfill his needs and assuage your guilt by having resentful, grumpy sex.

Doesn't sound much fun for either of you.

You haven't mentioned your own sexual needs at all yet, perhaps you don't feel like having any sort of sex at the moment?

It doesn't sound like a very equal relationship at the moment. I'm not sure if that is genuinely how your relationship is, or if your guilt is simply making you feel that way.

Laquitar · 12/07/2011 11:43

Personally i dont like 'planned evening' but you say this is the only way.

How about going out-even to the corner pub- if you can sort babysitting?

Or, if it has to be planned, how about planned by you? This could be more turn on?

AliGrylls · 12/07/2011 11:49

Is it because you are tired and want to sleep? I can only speak from personal experience on the subject but when I am tired I like being on my own to sleep.

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to ask for time with you, and it is actually a good sign that he loves you. On the other hand, if you are exhausted you should not feel obliged. When DH and I get into this situation I explain to him that we have teh rest of our lives together and there will be plenty of time for "quality time" within the next 20/30 years (or maybe even within the next year).

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 12/07/2011 11:56

Is it that you feel he's only planned quality time with you so he could have sex iyswim? Maybe if you both spent time together without it always leading to sex you'd wouldn't feel resentful at the times it does.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/07/2011 11:58

I agree with Dogs.

The absence of spontaneity has turned the 'us' time that your dh so 'very reasonably and lovingly' suggested into another chore - put dc to bed, eat dinner, load dishwasher, make packed lunches/get clothes ready for morning, watch movie/tv, have sex, go to bed.

This is possibly the pattern in live-in relationships up and down the country, but whether the evening ends with sex has to be the mutual choice of both parties rather than an obligation placed on one party.

I'd be bored witless if I was expected to be seduced nightly after a quick session with the goggle box. Where's the court and spark and romance in that?

Hullygully · 12/07/2011 12:00

I have to say I think that sounds horribly grim.

Can't you book a babysitter, go out and have a drink and a few laughs?

Original poster

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 12:01

thank you all again.

Pip - thank you. you've managed to articulate in the first couple of lines of your post exactly how it is and this I wasnt able to do ! *It sounds as if you are saying that he is a man with needs and you feel guilty because he is helpful and supportive so you will fulfill his needs and assuage your guilt by having resentful, grumpy sex.

Doesn't sound much fun for either of you.*

Like many mum-folk I know, sex is usually the last thing on my mind by the end of the day. Feel like it maybe once a month, max.

OP posts:

Original poster

mountainmolehill · 12/07/2011 12:03

keep x-posting!

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JeffTracy · 12/07/2011 12:15

Your DH does sound alright to me - there are plenty of posts on here about being ignored by a DP/DH so at least he is trying!

The chilling together is good, its just the last bit that needs to be "tuned". Could you have another discussion and tell him how you feel about the "most likely" obligation, but without squishing the rest of it? Most of us with families feel knacked at the end of a day so it can't be news to him that sex is not going to be on the cards every time if he is a nice, normal bloke.

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