I probably am, but...

[ilove]

this afternoon me and DH were messing about ? he had hold of me in the hallway and I couldn?t break free. He didn?t hurt me, I wasn?t frightened of him.

But

I am getting smaller again. He can get a proper hold on me and he can stop me moving. And 99% of the time I love that you can do that because in a lot of ways it makes me feel safe, he looks after me, he protects me. When I am in his arms ? especially at night ? I am safe

But

It scares me too that if I really, really was scared he might not realise and might not let go of me. Or if we were rowing and he was angry? Or maybe it wouldn?t be him that had hold of me and then I couldn?t get away.

I know you'll think I am silly and that I see every bloke as an attacker and I don?t, I?m a lot better than I used to be ? I did use to think like that, and now I don?t so much any more. But, when you've been on the receiving end, from more than one man...

Being smaller frightens me because I feel vulnerable. But I want to be smaller.

Headfuck, much?

How about self-defense classes? Can be v empowering. I took some years ago, like 20 years ago ... is probably a good idea to do again actually.

Just thinking of myself now, but I have gained lost, gained, lost multiple stones since then through pregnancies and the issue of feeling that one "knows" one's own physical capabilities (which I know is only one part of what you are talking about) is important and I think I've lost that a bit, not uncommon amongst people who've had kids probably.

Sorry to take it off topic a bit :)

tell him it remind you of other not so nice times and ask him not to do it. if he is the lovely man you say, he will understand.

Sadly self-defence classes are not going to be any good - through shockingly severe SPD my pelvis is knackered, and I only have one arm that has any strength. I'm a right catch, me :o

see, blackeyedsusan he would understand if I asked him...but...

I don't want to make him think that I am thinking he might ever hurt me...because I really don't think he would. We were playfighting, and laughing, he had hold of me because I was going to tickle him - I never expected to feel the way I now do :(

Probably because he is on nights actually.

Losing weight is so hard in so many ways. We don't always realise ourselves all the things our fat represents to us (like feeling bigger, stronger, safer, etc).

I went to a talk recently by an obesity specialist (medic) who was saying that in his experience of very obese patients there was almost always a trauma in childhood (usually abuse) and putting on the weight was a defence. He was fascinating and I do wonder if this relates to almost all of us who are carrying a few extra pounds.

Well done for losing weight and for thinking through all this. Knowledge is power as they say.

Thankyou

I can't bear feeling hemmed in.
Stems from abuse in my case, but I can completely understand that feeling of being vulnerable.

You all sound as though you haven't got enough to worry about.

I seem to remember from a self defence course at school years ago they said that if you were a woman (and it didn't make any difference whether you were big or small) and not somebody that was into martial arts or similar that would give you an advantage in this sort of situation then you shouldn't try to break free using brute force from an attacker anyway.

They reckoned a much better strategy was lots of little painful attacks done quickly - so don't try to prise open all their fingers at once but go for one or both of the little fingers and push it back with all your might with the aim of breaking the finger joint (try to bend all the way back beyond normal range so it lies flat against the back of the Hand. Aim to break their nose or at least make it bleed lots, for instance by jabbing head or fist into it. Or stick fingers up it and do damage. Go for eyes as well as if they can't see you that's a whole lot of power they are losing.

They also had a memorable phrase that is still with me after all these years - tackle their tackle with a grab, twist and pull [eyes watering wince smiley]

Also try to stop them from being able to run after you - so whilst difficult to tread on their toes and hurt often (unless) you have stillettos in which case use them) go for their Achilles tendon around the back of their ankle with a good kick/stamp on both legs if possible.

Obviously these are not going to be of any use when play wrestling with your dh to get out as you are not going to want to hurt him but they might be worth talking through with him so you have some control should you ever (hopefully not!) find yourself in the unfriendly version of the situation that you are worried about. Hopefully that will give you some control over the situation and your worries in the mean time...

And I'm sure other posters will have plenty of other ideas for quick little and dirty fighting ideas to add to your repertoire - the instructor said that for most of us it is against our nature to hurt someone but in these sort of situations you just have to go for it. Oh and biting is good too - as hard as you can on little bits that will hurt your attacker that you can easily get to so things like nose, lips, tongue, ears...

Oh and I meant to say that no, yanbu!

Has anyone on this thread ever successfully prevented a sexual assault from progressing by using self defence techniques? Genuine question. I always thought it was a total no-brainer and that OF COURSE if anyone ever tried to assault me I'd fight them off. Then it actually happened in real life.

I fought off a mugger once in a busy street in Liverpool on a Saturday afternoon, mainly because I caught him by surprise.

I've done karate and whilst I'm not overweight I think if push came to shove I could give an attacker a run for his money.

DH used to teach karate and women's self defence and reckons it's speed and technique not size that makes the difference.

OP, you might find self defence classes could help you. It's not all about martial arts style techniques, as Zipzap's post illustrated. And any instructor worth their salt would be able to help you work with your limitations too. It seems to me that something like that could help your confidence, and help give you strength to keep the weight off.

And have you thought of talking it through with your DH too? In the context that it scares you that if he could put his arms around you, then another man could, and that is what scares you? Maybe talking it through with him might help too.

Good job on losing so much weight, btw.

OP - YANBU. Being smaller does make you more vulnerable to attack. All things being equal, you will generally do better against a foe if you are bigger. Most fighting sports split people up into weight classes for that reason. But there are also ways in which being lighter makes you less vulnerable. You will be able to run a lot faster (and for self-defence against strangers purposes I think being able to runaway is very important). You will find it easier to move generally (if your pelvis is wrecked, is being lighter already helping with ease of movement?). And, of course, you make yourself less vulnerable to all sorts of illnesses and injuries.

I agree with the other posters who say a (good) self-defence instructor will be able to work within your physical abilities to provide you with tools that you can use which may help you feel (and be) less vulnerable whatever your size. But I also wonder, since you also say you've sabotaged past attempts, if you are clear on why you are losing weight? Is it mainly for other people or something you want for yourself? If the former I think you should question whether the hit to your sense of self is worth it. If it's something for yourself, you might need to work a little more on the internal change you want as well as the external (I hope that makes sense).

Thankyou all for the ideas. It is common sense to realise that I would fight far dirtier were it not DH - I would not want to hurt him any more than he would me. I like what was said by zipzap re the classes she had - some good ideas there.

This time the weight is coming off and I am liking the results, I am not consciously dieting, just realised my clothes were too big, went down a size, then again, then started to look at what I was eating differently. I seem to be at peace with myself now, which is why these feelings have surprised me coming out of the blue so to speak. Hopefully I can just carry on.

My pelvis isn't much better yet but hopefully the nagging pain may ease. Blasted hormones! It has been 12, nearly 13 years though so I am used to it now.

OpusProSerenus your specialist, in my case, was correct. For me, fat = unattractive, which = safe.

Have you had counselling?

I think this has stirred up memories but it has given you useful insight into your the reasons for your weight, also, use that to move forward.

I think it's quite common to get that sense of shock at being overpowered. It happened to me once with DH - we were play fighting and he got hold of my arms and wouldn't let go. I completely panicked even though I know he wouldn't hurt me and the poor guy was so upset.

One piece of interesting advice I was given was to go through possible attack scenarios in your head and think of the most vicious retaliation you can come up with in each scenario, then give yourself permission to do that in your head and go through clearly and graphically how you would go about it. Apparently a lot of attack victims hold back due to a lifetime of conditioning that they shouldn't hurt someone. They might have had a chance to stick a finger in an eye or bite but they didn't as their brain was so overcome with shock they couldn't convince themselves to do it. But if you've convinced yourself beforehand it's much easier to just do what you need to do if that makes sense.

Also, whats happened is you have come to realise that you had a perceived sense of 'safety' which now has been shattered, hopefully over time you will be able to recognise that your sense of 'danger' is only perceived and you do not have to 'protect' yourself at the level that you are.

i taught martial arts and i can tell you that it takes YEARS to get to the point where it is instinctive to go for the 'vulnerable points' like throat, eyes, groin solar plexus and not just end up in a wrestling match you can't win. Also, there are ways to break almost any grip by moving your body weight in the right way but you can only learn these to a level where you do them quickly and instinctively over years of training.
This is true for men as well as women as everybody will come accross somebody stronger than them eventually, or be too tired to use strength... to practise we make men do press ups until their arms go weak and then try the techniques.

but the other part of this OP is about a person who is not comfortable in a new slimmer body, and that's something much more easy to work on. an overweight body is not really a powerful body, but a slim and healthy one can be. OP - you listed your limitations when it comes to physical exercise but people do sport with more limitations than that - people do world class sport with limbs missing and other disability.

i would say that you NEED to get to know your new body and learn to love it for what it CAN do and not what it cant and i strongly believe that you'll only do that through some form of physical activity - be it sport, hill walking, dancing.. many other options.. please think of trying some activities with your new body.

Most men can overpower most women, doesn't mean they do though.

DH has been able to hold me like that all our married life, never has and never would lay a finger.

I know my DH wouldn't lay a finger on me either, that isn't what I was saying.

zookeeper - and you sound unempathic and unimaginative. So ner.