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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you say goodbye like this or aibu?

48 replies

MilkMonitor · 09/07/2011 23:12

I usually give a kiss on the cheek and a bit of a hug, depending on how fond I am of the friend.

I have this one friend though who we see maybe three or four times a year with her dh and their dcs. Every single time she says good bye, dh said she kisses him on the lips - the same way you'd kiss someone on the cheek - and presses her whole body up against him. I pooh poohed this to dh and asked him why he let her if if was a problem Wink. I'd never seen it happen and never put any thought to it.

Today though, I saw it and her coy smile to him afters. Dh said he's going to hold the baby next time so she can't do it although he did say, "Yep, weird. Woah, those are big tits though." Marvellous, isn't it? Then she kept turning round to wave as they left the park. It was only me turning to wave back mind.

I wonder if this is normal behaviour - dh thinks it's not and says he isn't comfortable with it (ho hum) - and if I'm over reacting because I think it's odd and disrespectful.

If I see it again, what should I say?

OP posts:
Orbinator · 10/07/2011 00:17

Maybe your DH is hoping that by mentioning her norks he will get your attention and you will talk to her about it?

NearlySpring · 10/07/2011 00:18

I have two male friends who Ive known for years and they both kiss me on the lips when we say hello or goodbye. I don't know of DP has ever noticed, they are friends I usually see when out with my friends rather than friends we socialist with as a couple but if he has ever noticed he doesn't say anything.

I don't think it's that odd at all.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/07/2011 00:52

Do you press up against them, your full body?

OP posts:
NearlySpring · 10/07/2011 01:20

Hmm, Im not sure, with one I certainly get very close to and I suppose hug tightly, either at the same time as a kiss or just the hug and no kiss or just the kiss and no hug. I suppose that sounds odd, just feels normal though. I've known him years and love him to bits, he means a lot to me.

Would feel odd if one of dp's friends did this to me though.

Dorje · 10/07/2011 01:20

He needs to talk about his 'herpes'.

Orbinator · 10/07/2011 01:23

Maybe DH could grin manically and do a little eyebrow waggle together with grabby hands just before she approaches him next time... Might put her off? Wink

iscream · 10/07/2011 01:34

Well, it is up to your dh to not be in a position for her to be able to do this. At "good-bye time" as he said, he could be holding a child, or perhaps a nice full diaper would work? Or he could give her a quick peck on the cheek, then turn away quickly?

He shouldn't have to do this with an old friend though, so maybe you should both bring it up with her. Simpole enough to say " A hug between friends is gentle squeeze of arms about shoulders, not dry hump!"

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/07/2011 08:41

Actually, I now can't get this out of my head. I'm really pissed off about it. And I'm not sure what to do about it without sounding like a hysterical, paranoid witch.

Dh did nothing to stop her kiss and put his arms around her to hug her too. That's not someone who is "uncomfortable". She then winked at him from a couple of metres away as they left us in the park.

And she kept turning around as she and her dh and dcs walked off. My dh didn't turn around but I did. She turned around four or five times to wave.

I now feel like they've both taken the piss and that there is a big physical attraction there. So uncomfortable but if I bring it up with her, she'll say, "Oh it's just a hug and a kiss," when she doesn't kiss me on the lips. Now I sound jealous Grin but you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/07/2011 09:08

Or am I being controlling and jealous?

OP posts:
ensure · 10/07/2011 09:17

It's a bit unfair of you to be cross with your DH about it IMO. He told you before that it was happening and making him feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/07/2011 09:25

But he did nothing about it and embraced her with his arms yesterday.

If it were me and I felt uncomfortable, I'd've stood stock still, with my arms by my side and turned my head so she'd've had to kiss my cheek.

I think he enjoyed it actually but alerted me to it in case I spotted it earlier. Which I didn't at all until yesterday.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 10/07/2011 10:47

Could he enjoy it just for the confidence boost it gives him to feel attractive rather than he's getting off on it?

It'd be the lesser of the two evils and would mean he's not looking for or wanting any more.

Only you know what type of man he is.

Do you trust him?

Orbinator · 10/07/2011 11:18

He did tell you about it and I suspect he feels that it is up to you to talk to her as she is your long term friend. Obviously he could have done more to avoid her floozy ways the smackeroo but as said before, men aren't usually upset about PDA's from an attractive woman, which you have said she is. He'll only tell you that he has been trying to get your attention about this for a while.

IMO we all window shop in relationships to some extent; but here SHE is the one over stepping the mark, not your DH. He is being a bit spineless, as he probably does enjoy it a little bit, but he did confront you with this info at the start. Don't shoot him for telling you the truth, it may make him think twice about doing it again...

chunkyjojo · 10/07/2011 11:19

Think you're being a bit mean about DH, you said he'd told you about it before and you seem to have dismissed it. He's not the issue, he's done nothing behind your back so I dont think you should start worrying about whether he likes it or accusing him of enjoying the attention. Your "friend" on the other hand...

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/07/2011 11:52

Well I think dh is being massively spineless. Which makes me think it's not actually a problem for him but he knows within the bounds of reason it's not appropriate.

What should I do? I'll look like I'm 'warning' her off him like some Eastenders character if I say anything.

I'm seeing her next month - just me and the dcs this time. Should I say anything then? What?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 10/07/2011 11:58

Is she really a friend to blatantly flirt like this? Amazing.

Watch how she says farewell to her other friends. Wonder if she kisses them on the lips too. Only the boys I bet.

Next time it happens, I'd say something along the lines of, "Wow. You're erm, affectionate. I didn't get a kiss on the lips or a boob hug. Not even from dh!". Cue titters. Then you can follow it up with a throat slashing, "In all seriousness though, I really don't think that's appropriate way to say good bye to a friend."

Orbinator · 10/07/2011 12:01

I would. I'd say that he has bought it up with you as something he is very uncomfortable with. It's true after all. Watch her squirm (if she has a heart) as you tell her that he came to you and you poo-pooed him but after the last meeting you could see why he felt she was being too full on. Ask if she has anything she would like to tell you. (I think you could have fun making her out to be desperate for your man, and come away with your head high).

ihatecbeebies · 10/07/2011 12:09

Maybe she's jealous of the friendship you have with her DH, or that you and her DH have both known each other for so long so she's trying to make you as jealous as she feels? Trying to 'get you back' in her own strange way?

ihatecbeebies · 10/07/2011 12:11

Oops, i meant to say; make you feel as jealous as she feels

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 10/07/2011 12:15

I am not sure what you mean by the 'pressing', with our male friends that I get on well with and with my bils, fils, I will always give them a full on hug and being big of nork, I imagine there is some pressing, I have never given it any thought tbh, as there is no intent there.

I think kissing on the lips is probably overstepping the mark though. Oddly two very close male friends will often kiss my neck in greeting, which I have never found odd, just very affectionate, though I would never do it to them?

The coy look and cheeky wink would piss me right off.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 10/07/2011 12:22

Sure, I mean people do hug with upper bodies etc but not with the full line of the body pressed against the other, with a kiss on the lips. That is very intimate if you ask me.

Actually, I will try the tack of saying dh doesn't find it comfortable etc. But I bet it gets turned around, the next time we are all together saying good bye, to "Oooh, better watch out. Don't want to hug you too much in case I offend your wife. Ooops. Is that ok? Sorry. Snigger, snigger."

OP posts:
Orbinator · 10/07/2011 12:27

If she does that then you should say something like "Oh darling, as if i'd get jealous about YOU!" snigger back, eye roll and then full on hug her husband whilst still sniggering. She doesn't sound very nice. Just make it very clear it is your DH and not you who was uncomfortable. She sounds as though she thinks she is gods gift to men!

Orbinator · 10/07/2011 12:30

Or just go with DH holding the baby thing next time. If she brings it up I would just give a knowing look to her husband - he must have seen her do it before? Have to say I'd not be comfortable being around her.

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