Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

more wwyd - rudeness re: birthday presents

45 replies

cantstandthenoise · 08/07/2011 20:47

My DD is friends with a girl in her class and I'm friends with her mother. Today they invited us round for a cup of tea but said it was her todder's (3 year old) birthday. So I bought the little girl something, nothing expensive but something I thought she'd like.

When she opened it the mother immediately said 'oh she's that exact same thing' and proceeded to show me. I felt a bit deflated but then she said 'oh we'll give it to her cousin who's birthday is next week'. I said 'don't worry I'll change it' and took it home.

But having got home, feel quite irritated. If it had been me I would have just said thank you. The little girl was pleased and don't think she would have said that she'd got it. I now feel like giving it to someone else and just not mentioning it again. AIBU - maybe this is common practice???

OP posts:
randommoment · 08/07/2011 21:15

With absolutely nearest and dearest friends, they will usually have consulted first about a gift anyway. I do remember getting identical gifts a few years ago. We didn't do unwrapping until the next day (big hall party), and with that one, I rang the mummy I was better friends with, explained what had happened and asked her what she thought we could do about it. She laughed and said pass it on the next time I needed a gift for that gender/age group - which I did. We are still fantastic friends and holidaying together later in the bit of summer school hols that our dps can't take as annual leave.

kalo12 · 08/07/2011 21:18

although in general I think it would be rude, I think possibly she may have panicked that her child would have said something so jumped in first. Having had experience of this I think probably on this occasion you should rise above this. After all, it can't be helped and you can return it and get something else. It's not that big a deal and not worth taking offence over.

I know my three year old would say 'we've got this' or get the other thing out without being disappointed in it.

CarnivalBizarre · 08/07/2011 21:49

YANBU I think it was rude of her - she could have accepted graciously and said nothing

When my DC's are invited to birthday parties I make a point of calling the childs parents and asking what the child would like as a present - I am invariably met with 'oh he/she will be happy with anything' - not very helpful

There is very little choice of toy shopping in our little town and on the occasions I have bought a present, somebody else at the party has turned up with the exact same thing so I tend to buy a high street voucher to put in the card ...... I gave up putting a tenner in the card when at one party I witnessed the childs mother take the money out of the card and giving it to her husband to buy ciggies - and I'm not altogether convinced she would have replaced the money either

cat84 · 08/07/2011 21:53

That was rude. It was really thoughtful of you to bring a gift. My dd received 3 of the same toy for her birthday this year. We still sent thank you's and wouldn't dream of saying anything.

mrsbiscuits · 08/07/2011 21:59

Yep rude ...she should have just accepted the gift and said nothing. I had a gift recycled back to me once, the person totally forgot I had given it to her for her birthday and she gave it back to me for Christmas! [hshock]

HavePatience · 08/07/2011 22:06

Rude.
Regardless of how well I know someone.. I just wouldn't mention it at all. Just say thank you.

HavePatience · 08/07/2011 22:08

Btw I don't think it's rude of her to give it to a cousin if she already has it - but to say it to you is really rude

TheSmallClanger · 08/07/2011 22:11

It wouldn't be rude to give to the cousin, but it is rude to say so to the giver.

TheSmallClanger · 08/07/2011 22:12

Cross post with Patience.

itsastrawpoll · 08/07/2011 22:17

YANBU, she was rude.

Especially given what it was. My DD1 will be three next month. If she had a fairy doll and was given another one she would be delighted, because then she'd have two fairy dolls. She would probably decide they were sisters and tuck them into bed together.

She wouldn't see having two as a problem AT ALL.

Even if she did, I would point out that they could be sisters etc etc Grin

PuppyMonkey · 08/07/2011 22:17

It doesn't sound that bad to me either - if she's a good friend, perhaps she thought she could be honest with you and spoke without thinking.

Incredibly rude would be : "piss off with your cheap fairy doll, you big slag"

Get a bit of perspective why doncha? Grin

HavePatience · 08/07/2011 22:22

I think I'm more shocked by the posters who think this isn't rude than I am by the mother's rude behaviour.
I wouldn't say this even to my best friend... Or a family member for that matter. Graciously accept and say thank you.

OmniaParatus · 08/07/2011 22:36

Very rude. I wouldnt bother with a replacement. If its wrapped can you give it to a charity at christmas who are looking for presents, if you can keep it for that long.
My step mil does this, she will phone to say she already has something you bought her or fil, tell you all about taking your present back and what a hassle it was, and tell you what she bought instead. If she has bought something for you otoh she will ask you years later if you still use it regularly. It drives me mad, its just so rude.

MilyP · 08/07/2011 22:42

Clearly I am in a minority and as baby hasn't arrived don't know what I would do regarding kids presents, but I would rather tell someone and have them save their money rather than keeping something that will go unused. Maybe I am going to end up in trouble when I do have kids judging by the response here!
I would have been very grateful for the present and said how lovely it was to get something (certainly wouldn't have been expecting it), but that I would rather they returned it and kept the money and not that it should go to waste.
It was however very rude to say thy would re-gift it!

Original poster
cantstandthenoise · 08/07/2011 22:51

MilyP I don't think it's only to do with having children though. If I was given an unwanted present - something I already had or didn't like I'd just say thank you. I might keep it for a few months and give it to someone else or might give it to a charity shop but I wouldn't say anything about not wanting it/having it already to the person who gave it to me. I have also brought my DD up the same, she always says thank you whatever it is.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 08/07/2011 23:11

i wouln't have said anything negative if i were your friend. I'd have thanked them and said 'oo how lovely'' then whipped it away and stuck it in the gift cupboard.

ensure · 08/07/2011 23:18

If she has A 3 year old, she must know other 3 year olds, why didn't she just put it into her re-gifting box for her DD's next birthday party invite? Odd!

MilyP · 08/07/2011 23:40

I would always appreciate a present and say thank you. And usually I would just keep it if it simply wasn't quite to my taste or something. And I guess if you already have it you can usually exchange it without the reciept anyway.

I did once get a present from my boss while running the cafe as she was on holiday. She told me it was one of her favourite perfumes and I thanked her for it and that I really wasn't expecting a present. When I tried it on it really didn't suit me. I agonised over what to do for sometime. But for me it felt worse to keep it knowing I would never use it when she would. I was genuinely grateful for the present, I just wanted her to have it and use it. So I gave it back and told her that. Clearly I should have just chucked it in the bin!

muminthemiddle · 08/07/2011 23:53

I think the mother was rude too.
I would be tempted to give it to another child to play with and "forget" to give the 3 year old a present.
I think it was kind and thoughtful of you to buy a gift at such short notice anyway. I hate having things like this dropped on me and like plenty of notice when buying gifts.
I stopped buying a certain family member presents after they rudely asked if I had the receipt for a gift I had bought as they already had enough clothes and would exchange the gift for something else. Previosly they had asked me to exchange both cds and dvds, after having watched/listened to them first! Both of which they had specifically asked me to buy for them!!

NobbedaBuilder · 09/07/2011 00:10

I would have to say we already had it in this situation. Because I KNOW my dd would go on and on about it if I didn't making the situation more cringeworthy.
It has happened to us once. MIL bought dd a book that DHs sister had already bought her. When she unwrapped it I sort of went 'oh wow a new book that's nice isn't it dd' and dd said 'I've already got that one' and I felt a bit foolish for obviously trying to pretend she didn't. MIL told her to give it to a friend - which she did. I wouldn't have suggested that if MIL hadn't though.
In your friends situation OP I would have just said that the fairies could play together - you can have more than one for roleplay. DD would love having twin fairies!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread