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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you ask your DP's permission to give someone a lift?

49 replies

Hatesponge · 07/07/2011 21:13

Am one of the social committee at work, event next weekend involving most staff.

Contacted today by Person A, who has found out they can't get a train home as planned due to engineering works...bus alternative will take several hours. When A told me where they lived I realised it was in the same small town as B, another colleague. B's DP is giving B a lift home.

Explained A's situation to B and said could they offer A a lift - A is very amenable and said they'd be 'really grateful for a lift, no need to drop me at my door, just anywhere convenient in our town'

Response from B was 'Oh that's fine with me, but I can't agree to it til I've checked with DP if it's ok, as DP is particular about who they let in our car'

I was like this

Honestly, is this normal? Would other people do this? I know when I was with my Ex it would honestly never have occurred to me to ask if it was ok with him to give someone a lift, nor vice versa. It just seemed so odd....

OP posts:

LolaRennt · 07/07/2011 22:26

Everyone who says they wouldn't ask, that's controling etc... you do realise that the DP is doing the driving and might have plans? And that you would be the one telling your DH he has to drop this person off after he has come and picked you up?

meditrina · 07/07/2011 22:27

The "particular about who he lets in the car" sounds unmitigatedly dreadful!

I'd let my DH know what I was doing - on the off-chance that he needed the car at a certain time and had forgotten to let me know - that's just part of sharing nicely. Also, if I was going to be later than expected, I'd let him know - that's just basic courtesy (he'd do the same), to save worrying.

But this lift could only make the difference of a couple of streets, and no real extra time. Sounds a bit creepy, TBH.

CroissantNeuf · 07/07/2011 22:32

Bonkers.

pigletmania · 07/07/2011 22:33

Absolutely barmy, can't she think for herself, or does she have to consult her DP over every decision

mumblechum1 · 07/07/2011 22:34

I think a lot of people, me included at first, did't pick up on the fact that it was the woman's dp doing the driving, so potentially going out of his way.

Still a bit odd imo, it wouldn't occur to me to ask my dh's permission if I was going to give someone a lift, but if it was him doing the pickup and potentially going to mean him going out of his way I'd check with him as a matter of courtesy

mumblechum1 · 07/07/2011 22:35

Anyone taking a lift from me risks getting legionnaires disease from the festering crap deposited on the floor by various teenagers btw

MrsGWay · 07/07/2011 22:46

Seems reasonable to me as DP is driving. Why did you tell A that B could offer them a lift before finding out if they could? What about data protection?

buttonmoon78 · 07/07/2011 22:49

Yup - hadn't twigged that her dp was driving. I'd check obv - that would only be reasonable for many of the reasons listed above.

But I still think her phraseology is downright odd.

ENormaSnob · 07/07/2011 23:01

As her dp is driving then I don't think it's odd.

EightiesChick · 07/07/2011 23:11

I would tell DH that we needed to also give someone else a lift, out of politeness and knowing full well that he would never think to object.

This bit is the weirdest:

'DP is particular about who they let in our car' Why would anyone say this?

ENormaSnob · 07/07/2011 23:15

I think it's her (b) that doesn't want to give the lift.

Was it you that brought it up op?

mo3d · 07/07/2011 23:15

Does B know A? If she does I don't think she likes him, and is using dh as an excuse.

ineedabodytransplant · 08/07/2011 06:31

My sister-in-law always has to get her husbands ok to offer lifts to anyone. Even if they are going to the same street! Mind you, he's has this phobia about his car anyway( note I said his car, not theirs). If anyone does get in the car he alternates the side they sit in, I kid you not. Apparently, it's to prevent uneven wear and tear. He also loses it if someone slams the car door. Wears the hinges out quicker

GotArt · 08/07/2011 06:35

Sounds like B doesn't want to give a lift to A and is using her DP as excuse.

GotArt · 08/07/2011 06:36

And B was probably taken aback by you asking if B could give A a lift home.

mummytime · 08/07/2011 06:43

Mad! I would say, "Oh BTW you are giving A a lift too, you don't mind?"

YellowDinosaur · 08/07/2011 07:04

Given that B's dh is doing the driving its not unreasonable to want to ask them first. Like others have said he might have plans before or after that would make this difficult. Or he might have mental health issues (eg anxiety / OCD) that explains this. Or be incredibly controlling / abusive so B knows that it she doesn't ask it wil all go wrong. Or anything really. Yes the way she put it is wierd but there could be lots of valid reasons for her wanting to ask her dh.

ALso you say that the bus alternative would take hours so presumably it is a long way away. It might also be that they don't get much time together (kids plus jobs etc) and were looking forward to the journey together and don't want some random third party they don't really know. And A does have an alternative - its just not something that she wants to do.

TBH I think you were a little bit unreasonable to tell A that B might give her a lift without clearing it with B first as if she declines it will probably cause a lot of bad feeling between them. You could have said something like 'I'll see if any of the others are prepared to give you a lift and let you know asap' instead couldn't you?

AitchGee · 08/07/2011 07:21

I would have loved to see my ex's face had I turned up with some random individual expecting her to give him/her a lift.

Car rides with your partner are often very personal affairs

Completely disrespectful to your partner.

thumbwitch · 08/07/2011 07:29

OK, I must be odd then because I have been on the arse end of this - picked DH up from the pub on the way home from where I've been and he's said "oh I've said you'll give X a lift home, you don't mind, do you?" Actually yes I bloody did mind but mostly because I had to go in the opposite direction from home and I was already bloody tired! I still did it but I told DH (then DP) to clear it with me before dropping me in it next time.

However, this situation is a bit different.

Perhaps B's DP is a grumpy arse in the car and swears like a trooper and doesn't want anyone else to hear his road rage? Or perhaps he is just an arse and she knows it and doesn't want to expose anyone else to it.

Since her DP is driving I would expect her to check that he doesn't mind, depending on how much extra driving it would be, but I would hope he would agree without too much demur.
I mean, I would want to be asked/prewarned, and I would ask/prewarn my DH if the same situation arose, because it's just good manners, isn't it?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 08/07/2011 07:42

asking isn't unreasonable.

Telling someone that you have to check with your partner because he is particular about who he lets in the car is unreasonable.

Because you are saying that you have to check with your partner whether he thinks that A is good enough to get in the car.

That's bonkers.

valiumredhead · 08/07/2011 09:04

I never ask my dh's permission to do anything

Neither do I!

MorticiaAddams · 08/07/2011 10:58

I would phone my dp first out of politeness and respect rather than just turn up with a random person. He would always say yes.

I do think it was rude of you to mention it to A before asking B. If I were B the I'd be pissed off for putting them on the spot.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/07/2011 11:01

I'd text DP first, but to let him know, NOT to ask his permission. I've never ever asked DP's permission for anything (and he's never asked mine). Wouldn't occur to me. Being 'particular about who he lets in the car' is just mad. They're both nutters.

lauzb · 08/07/2011 11:09

The way she worded it makes the sound very odd - but is polite to at least let DH know if there will be an extra passenger

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