Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

over my oh's work?

19 replies

doublechocchip · 07/07/2011 20:16

Oh came home last night and said that the next 16 weeks in work are going to be very stressful for him so he was just warning me!

I am usually very supportive about these type of things and smile saying things like "don't worry about it we will get through it" and lots of hugs but I couldnt muster any of that enthusuiasm up yesterday and he got all annoyed with me that I wasnt more supportive.

I know its not technically his fault as its through work (and they are big changes) but he's been putting in longer hours and longer days more and more and its been just me and the children from when they get up to when they go to bed most days so I am just seeing another 4 months stretched ahead like this. On his days off he is so tired he is irritable and snappy which affects us all and I am just thinking its going to be even worse. Incidentally 16 weeks takes us right up to our wedding day so I feel like its a dampener put on that as oh is going to be all taken up with work. We will get through it but AIBU not to be all smiles and hugs about it?

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 07/07/2011 20:19

YANBU - you are allowed feelings too and maybe it's his turn to offer you support during this difficult time.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/07/2011 20:19

hard to say without more information, tbh.

Is he the sole breadwinner? Why does he have to do even more work? Are the renumerations and benefits making life bearable as a result when you get to spend the wage? Will it significantly change afterwards? He is NBU to expect support from his partner, but may be VU if none of the above answers are particularly positive for you and the children. In that case, why is he doing something that is making your life as a unit unpleasant?

Sounds like you and him need a jolly good talk about it all.

cat64 · 07/07/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chocolateteabag · 07/07/2011 20:28

Hmmm I see where you are coming from but YABU a bit. If work is shit, having more grief at home is really not going to help him be any nicer on his days off. True - you are not getting any days off but I think the best way around this is to suck it up and try your best to be nice and supportive.

At least then after a few days if he is still being irritable on his days off you can have a quiet word and remind him that he needs to put a little effort in at home even when he's having a rough time at work.

Also keep talking - get him to off load if work is that rubbish. Even if you just have a 5 min "rant time" rule at the end of each day. More communication not less will help you both get through to your wedding day (and beyond)

MissBetsyTrotwood · 07/07/2011 20:29

I have really high expectations of DH's days off as they are few and far between. He's inevitably tired. The two make for a pretty grim mixture sometimes... I feel guilty for wanting so much from them but also cross that he's so snappy and ill tempered with the kids.

Can he schedule in time off? Like, sacred days over the next few months. When you all go out and do something out of the house.

Pick your moment to talk together about it. On a full stomach, not too exhausted etc etc. He has to understand that you've feelings and pressures too.

Original poster

doublechocchip · 07/07/2011 20:34

Ok some more info- he is main breadwinner I work part time but not many hours. He got promoted in jan and the increase in money has defintely helped us all as a family. I have take on the vast share of house duties and really only expect him to do his share on his days off which he usually does. He is ambitious which I do like and he is very good at his job and is hoping to go further up in the chain. I am glad that he warned me but in a way I felt like in him saying it he was putting in a disclaimer for the next 16 weeks for him to be irritable/snappy.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 07/07/2011 20:48

He has made many choices in his life - to be a father, partner and take a promotion - they are his CHOICES - he cannot let half his responosibilites slide because he has chosen to take on more work. Yes he deserves support and understanding but not to the extent where you have to be an inane hugging/smiling non-person. You should be able to express your feelings too and he should be considerate enough to not be constantly irritable/snappy.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 07/07/2011 20:50

YABU, how the fuck do you think he feels?

chocolateteabag · 07/07/2011 20:58

Sounds like a disclaimer to me - but you can be supportive without being a doormat. Like DoMeDOn says - you need to express your feelings too.
Sounds awfully "touchy feely" but communication is key here. You need to be able to talk to him about your day as well as about his. It may just take occasional lip biting to get through next 16 weeks.

I know I know - this is not very "right on" but sometimes it's about getting through a tough patch together rather than "winning" the moral battle (?)

DoMeDon · 07/07/2011 21:02

I imagine he feels pressured and stressed jareth - just like the OP. She knows that but shouldn't have to go 'stepford' and put up with his moods without fear of repercussions. See the bit where she is usually supportive - she's had enough of hugs/smiling and felt a bit fed up about another tough patch and he got annoyed. Selfish.

kayah · 07/07/2011 22:12

I think that is part and parcel of getting better money.
he needs to concentrate on his job to prove ot his bosses (and himself) he can do it.
Usualy there's a lot of paperwork/catching up to do.

I guess you need to sit down, write down things you can outsource (i.e. get a cleaner, help of a babysitter or maybe an Aupair in the summer), use new money to make this transision period less stressful for both of you.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 07/07/2011 22:47

I could have written the OP, DoMe I know exactly how it feels. One thing that only made the situation worse was making it all about me and how miserable DPs shitty hours affected me.

Maybe he got annoyed because he's doing what he can to progress in his career and support his family.

DoMeDon · 08/07/2011 07:33

He's doing what he can to support his career, yes but not ALL he can for family. He is expecting full unconditional support, while he is irritable and snappy. That is unrealistic - yes OP should (and did) support him during this time but she felt less enthusiastic this time in lead up to wedding, etc. Maybe it's his time to think how she feels.

AmberLeaf · 08/07/2011 07:39

I dont think YABU as such BUT it sounds like he is under a lot of pressure at work and he probably doesnt have much choice in what is expected of him there...you at home however can cut him a bit of slack.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2011 07:45

YABU... It's not his job at fault, it's his inability to leave his frustrations behind at the end of the day. You have to be clear with him about that. Support doesn't mean being a punchbag.

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/07/2011 07:53

Cogito is right.

Yama · 08/07/2011 08:48

You are going to get a mixture of responses here (obviously).

I would imagine that you yourself are feeling rather stressed right now and could do with some support from him.

As always, communication is key. You need to let him understand how you feel without him feeling 'got at'. You need to let him understand that you are willing to support him (if you are that is) as long as he recognises and appreciates it. Not easy but doable.

dreamingbohemian · 08/07/2011 08:57

So he's allowed to be irritable and snappy, but you have to pretend to be happy about everything? Bollocks.

Still, if it's unavoidable, maybe you could try to talk and come up with a plan to cope with the next 4 months -- hire a cleaner, get some babysitting in. Do you have family nearby to help out? I think you should acknowledge that it will be tough for him, but tough for you as well, and so it's time to call in some support.

(It does seem awfully convenient that he'll be terribly busy during all the stressful wedding planning months.)

Al1son · 08/07/2011 09:03

You'll both be more stressed and both be working longer hours for the next 16 months. Ok so your extra work will be at home but it will still be extra work.

Will it be ok for you to be extra snappy on his days off? If not then it won't be ok for him to do it either.

You should support him by making it possible for him to do the extra at work which is required of him but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to make an effort at home.

Flip